My update
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| Mon, 11-29-2004 - 8:58pm |
First, thank you, all of you, for being here. It helps so much to have people who truly understand, to empathize, to give you a hug when you need it, or a kick when you need that, too. I think if I had not found this community online, I would have lost my mind.
I have tried to take the advice I received here and focus on my husband without xOM (now divorced) in the picture. I feel a little more love and understanding each day. I still want to go to marriage counseling, which he has resisted, but I think if we address the things that have been wrong from day one (lack of true emotional connection, his controlling behavior and my permissiveness and submissiveness and constant need to please, sacrificing my wants and needs at his altar). Since I have been asserting myself, he is starting to see me for the first time as I truly am. We're not there yet, but it's a start to break down this huge wall between us.
As for the xOM, I had been beating myself up, since he got a divorce just as he always promised, and then I was slow to make a decision, and we started NC, I felt as though I had let him down, that I was losing the one man who truly knew me and loved me completely. He told me I was beautiful and intelligent and funny and sensual and the best person he had ever known. I felt the same about him and believed he was my one true love. Funny how quickly he has seemed to forget me. These harsh reminders are what I need...kind of like putting your hand on a hot stove. It doesn't take long to realize that's not a good thing. Too bad I had to get many, many burns and blisters to realize this.
Today I walked into the office and heard him on the phone checking on the availability of a certain brand of perfume at a local department store. He hung up really fast when I walked in. I guess this is for the girl I saw him with at the Christmas parade, just four weeks since we ended things with him declaring his eternal love no matter if we are together or not. I just shook my head and thought that I have no right to feel upset, since I should be buying something for my husband, Then, when I needed to discuss a work matter with him, he was rude and told me to "make it quick." As I was leaving, he said goodbye in such a friendly tone. I was very cool toward him. I want to slap him! But I need to slap myself, too, for allowing myself to take actions and develop feelings that were so very wrong, no matter how "right" it felt at the time.
For anyone debating ending an affair, do it now. There's nothing but pain and misery at the bottom of the roller-coaster.

Gal
Good to here that your making progress with your hubby.
I think men need to respect you to listen to you and if you let them walk all over you then that respect will evaporate quickly, seems like you are learning that about hubby, keep standing up for yourself, demand respect but also give respect and I think in time hubby will become more agreeable to MC and your other wants and needs.
Eternal love in an affair, don't think so, in my opinion affairs are simply not based on anything healthy enough for that to happen in the very large majority of cases.
Anyhow keep up the GOOD WORK, I think regardless of the out come you will be glad that you made the effort.
Free
Good for you newsgal!!!
And for everyone's who's involved with someone at their workplace, please take a reality check!!!
<<>>>
Especially if you wait to FALL OFF as opposed to choosing to "get off on your acord" with some integrity still intact.
Great