My very unhappy ending...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
My very unhappy ending...
9
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 12:19pm
Hi everyone, this is my first visit to this board. I am usually at the affair support board but I guess now this board is more appropriate for me. I met my OM several months ago online. We met after getting to know each other really well and eventually even had IC. Well lately he just seems to be very distant. He works long hours with his business. He is single and has never been married and is 20 years older than I am. I have only been married for 3 years and have a 13 month old dtr. In the past week I have only heard from OM once and I usually here from him everyday. He says he is just busy but is active online every couple of hours. I sent him an e-mail just now and a few minutes later he logged off with no response. I am tired of waiting around to hear from him. I know this is the best thing for me and my family but I will miss him so much. He gave me hope and something to look forward to. I need advice on how to move on. I refuse to be ignored and treated this way.

Thanks.

A
~*april*~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 12:52pm
*hugs* to you.

As hard as it is to accept, it seems apparent your OM is avoiding you. And you are only torturing yourself by watching it.

This may or may not be a temporary situation. But from what you said, you certainly have far more important things to do then be pining over him.

If you feel compelled to get online, then come to this site and read about the miseries of others caused by these relationships.

Or better yet, turn the computer off, and take that wonderful baby of yours out for a stroll in the park. Meet some other young mothers to get together with, find a mothers day out program, and do lunch.

Treat yourself well, and you won't miss him after a while.

Someday

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 1:32pm

As I read your post I wondered whether your petulance will fade with more attention from your husband and marriage.


I suggest you spend your new-found extra time from ending your affair to focus on what you and hubby are or aren't doing within your marriage so that you both get the attention you want and need from one another while raising the little one. Having been dad to 4 little ones I'm well aware of the tremendous strain children place on a marriage......


Good luck to you as you re-focus your energies on your marraige and family.


cl-nre


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 2:22pm
Thank You both so much for your responses. I sent OM last email letting him know I was letting him go and that I could not do this anymore. Maybe the reason I started this affair IS because I am not getting the attention I needed. I have not thought about it like that. I just can't bring myself to delete all those e-mails. I re-read them all the time and always cry thinking about how happy I was and how it made me feel to be loved like that. I know my husband loves me but after being together so long you just take each other for granted. I don't know how to get those feelings I had for him back. I needed something new, something exciting in my life and I will miss that feeling but I dolove my husband and child very much and I am willing to risk my happiness for theirs. Maybe oneday I can be happy too.

A
~*april*~
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 3:08pm
April,

Hugs to you!

I have been exactly where you are. It's not an easy place to be. My xOM also just kinda stopped replying to emails and IM's. But I had known him since we were 12 and he had always been such a good friend. It was really hard to loose that connection. He too made me feel alive,sexy and wanted at a time in my marriage that that wasn't happening. But I have found that what was missing most from my marriage was communication. Had I been talking to my husband about the things I was feeling maybe I wouldn't have strayed. But that's not what happened and here we are. I made the choice to walk down this road. I read in your email that you have saved the emails. My best advice to you is to get rid of them. First they will always be a reminder of him, and that will not be healthy for you as you rebuild. Second, my husband was "sensing" something was up and accessed my emails and that's how he found out about the A. I would hate for this to happen in your situation. The good news is my H and I are rebuilding. I wish you much luck with your marriage and baby. Remember that if your H doesn't know what's wrong, he can't help you fix it.

Hugs and lots of luck

Broken

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 3:22pm
Thank you and best wishes in rebuilding your marriage. I know I should delete the e-mails. I erased his phone numbers from my cell phone and I feel like I should just take it one day at a time. I moved all the e-mails (sent and received) to a sepcial little folder away from all other e-mails. What if I don't want to forget?? What if I am not ready to forget every moment we had because it was special to me and I do want to remeber even though it hurts like hell right now to remeber... Today is a week ago that I saw him last. It is still so early and I am trying but it is not easy. I feel like if he called me right now I would drop everything and run to him but I know I cannot and no matter what I owe it to my husband and baby to work on our relationship right now. It helps so much just to get all this out and know that there are people going through the same thing. Thank you all for the support and advice. I know I can and that I have to do this.

A
~*april*~
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 4:02pm
I understand completely... I had saved the last two emails myself for about a month--just couldn't let them go---it was sooo final. Like there would be no record that it really had happened. Those are the ones H found. I'm almost thankful that xOM stopped contacting me, kinda made me reailize that the fantasy I had in my head was just that, a fantasy. My husband made me delete all the #'s from my phone and all email addresses, I had to cancel my yahoo and hotmail accounts. We actually ending up changing cell phone carriers since he wanted to be sure I wasn't being contacted or contacting anyone. He won't let me speak to my best friend of 27 years anymore either because she knew about the A and didn't try and stop it or tell him about it. I'm sure this a worse case senario, but I just want to let you know what happened to me so it won't happen to you. I know I deserve to be watched like a hawk, I'm the one who made the choice to have an A.

What I have learned is that I wasn't as "in love" with xOM as I was with the way he made me feel. I've been married for 13 years...since I was 19. So to have that feeling of having a hot young guy thinkin I was hot...that was wonderful. But all I really did when I was with him was escape reality. I was no one's wife or mother for a few hours. But in hindsight, that's exactly who I am and I lost sight of those things. Don't get me wrong, my marriage hadn't been great,I had made the decision to leave actually before all of this came to a head. But what they say about hitting bottom is true. We are rebuilding from the foundation up. We have both made changes in our behaviors. We realized that we are what's important. This is not an easy road we have chosen. But there is light at the end of the long tunnel.

I still think of xOM when I hear a certian songs on the radio or a certian phrase someone might say. It's been 5 months since I last had contact with him. So things to get better, there will be triggers and good days and bad.... but eventually the good are far more than the bad. Do something for yourself, be with your family, draw strength from the boards.... we've been there and done that. Stay strong one day at a time....

Wishing you strength ......

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 4:42pm
Again... thank you. You will never know how much your e-mails have helped me realize that things will get better and that I can go on without OM. I am only 21, also got married at 19. My OM was older by 20 years. I think that was one of the things that I liked. My H is only 3 years older than I am. You know what the scary thought is I was ready to pack up everything and leave to be with OM. He lives 5 hours away. If he would have asked I would have seriously considered but the past week he has been distant. I knew I could not continue to obssess and that I had to stop especially since he was making no effort. I cant help but wonder if he will respond when he gets the "GOODBYE" email I just sent. I will keep you posted.

A
~*april*~
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 4:55pm
"What I have learned is that I wasn't as "in love" with xOM as I was with the way he made me feel."

Broken, that is such a great point. That's something I really was really struggling with and Free told me that I am not withdrawing from HIM, but from the way I felt when I was with him.

April, as soon as you get the strength, try to get rid of the old emails. I did it, and it was like a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders. It took me months, but when I finally did, it was a relief. I don't have to worry about getting weak and reading them or accidently stumbling on his name.

We are here for you. This board is responsible for saving my marriage and my sanity. I'm not there yet, but I am working towards it.

Hugs!

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 1:45pm

"Maybe one day I can be happy"......


How about TODAY!!!!!!


You have a choice. Actually many choices...


If you are, as you say, taking your husband for granted, that is YOUR choice. Change it.


If you are feeling that husband is taking you for granted, TELL HIM. Nothing can replace honest conversations between two people who love one another. I have yet to meet a husband, myself included, who deep down absolutely resists responding positively to his wife's kind and gentle voice. We men I think are programmed to respond positively to kind and gentle voices. Let him know you miss the flowers, cards and dating. Yep, dating...it's something married people can do with one another