My A was about me not my XAP
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| Thu, 08-26-2010 - 4:15pm |
In my T session last week my T asked me why I chose to end my A and what was the last straw for me. I think I have shared with all of you that I have a very tough time showing my emotions and before T, I had convinced myself that I couldn't love anyone other than my boys. It's strange that I never allowed myself to open up to anyone and love my DH the way he loved me. I was a shell of a woman who never let anyone get close to me. I have one girlfriend I have had since I was a child but I even keep her at a distance. I experienced a childhood trauma which made me build up a wall to everyone except my children. On the other hand, I throw myself into being a good mom and I go overboard with showing them how much I love them. I remember my DH telling me years ago as I was hugging our sons how he wished I would just hug him or give him a kiss sometimes. I went years without hugging my DH and years without kissing him. He would beg me for hugs and kisses and I would turn away. We had s*x but needless to say I didn't really participate in that fully either. Some thought I was cruel and cold but inside I was broken and scared to let anyone inside. I work in education administration and to my teachers and students I am known as the cold fish. Before my A and T, I would tell myself that I didn't care if ppl thought I was cold but deep down I did care. I cared deeply. Some days I would want to be invited to lunch with everyone else but they were afraid to reach out to me. My A had nothing to do with my XAP, he was just the vessel I used to make myself feel better.
My A was the worse and the best thing that happened to me because as terrible as I felt for doing it, I have been able to uncover why I am the way I am and try to fix it. I actually took one of my teachers to lunch a couple of weeks ago for her birthday and sent an email and told everyone that I needed their birthday in order to take them to lunch. Today a teacher told me that the staff was getting together to take me to lunch tomorrow. That felt really good. I went into my office and cried because I have been an administrator at this school for over ten years and I have never done anything personal with my staff.
For me, having an A wasn't because of the state of my M, it was because I was an individual who allowed her soul to die (if that makes sense). Also, my M is better and I am allowing my DH to hold me and I have started doing the same to him. It was strange at first but he feels so good and I found out that I do love him. This emotional stuff has been hard for me but I am working on it one day at a time and when I find myself shutting down, I immediately do something to re-engage myself.
Sorry this is so long. I write every day in my journal but decided I would share this part of my journey with you.

Mom -
I'm so glad you shared this. I think it's important for all of us to grow and learn from the experience of our A, not just "end" it. I teared up at the thought of you in your office crying because your staff wants to take you to lunch. This is a perfect example of "getting what you give"! You are going to get a lot of good stuff back now. :)
I can only imagine how hard it has been for you to deal with the results of your childhood. It's baggage that quite a few of us carry. But you are dealing with it, and your soul is no longer dead, but VERY much alive. I'm so happy for you and I will be smiling around the lunch hour for you tomorrow. Even though it's just a cyber hug I'm ((((HUGGING)))) you now too. :)
Bodhi
Mom,
Bravo to you!!!! That took some guts to share and I have not seen you been so open, at least since Ive been here. I can understand completely where you are coming from as its hard for me to be all lovey with my H as well. Once my A was over, I went NC and the fog cleared, I saw that standing right next to me was a man who is my best friend. I betrayed him and for that, I will never forgive myself but I have started to realize what he needs. He needs those hugs from me, he needs to know he is loved, just like I need the same.
Im so thankful that you shared this on here, you have warmed my heart.
GMLB