my wild imagination
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| Fri, 01-21-2005 - 3:08pm |
Depending upon my mood and how I am feeling and dealing with the A being over....and whether I am ok or not ok with the NC and xMM calling or not contacting me....
I think all sorts of crazy thoughts.
Am I alone?
On good days, I am accepting of most everything. I dont cry, I dont dwell, I do think about xMM alot but not really upsetting things. I believe that he does want out of his Marriage but also still loves his w and is confused and once again - its easier to do nothing.............and maybe he wants to try it one more time because of his guilt.
On bad days, I cry - alot. I dwell and think up senerios in my head that I almost at times think are real. I see xMM face - the last time we saw eachother a few weeks ago - and I think of how sad and irritated he looked. The last time we spoke a week ago, I remember him say how so many times he wants to call and talk about everything - but he doesnt - and I think of how stupid I must seem to him.
I hear alot of women think that they were nothing to xMM after the A.........and I dont believe that at all.
I think that we lost in the decision - but did we really lose?
I am having a bad day. xMM is not going to Hawaii after all with his W...........and you would think I would be elated. He would be leaving early next week if he did.
But what hurts and upsets me the most is this: So he is alone for a week - he could see me if he wanted to - he could call if he wanted to - but the fact that I "know" he will not even after he said a few weeks ago that he was desperate to see me but is scared -
He will not contact me.
And the reason he will not is because he no longer wants to betray his W or my H.
The emotions he felt or may still feel for me are not strong enough - and I thought only a few months ago that those emotions could change the world.
H and I are filing soon -
All this A did for me was leave me lonlier and sadder than I was before.
I find no happiness in things I try to do - or used to like to do.
Nothing is bright - and my heart is broken by my own hands.
Things get better and then they get worse. This rollercoster is killing me. I try with good intentions to move forward each day - but the past is everywhere. I feel haunted.

annakarena,
You are SO not alone. I'm sure so many people here will tell you that they have or do feel the same way. the word "rollercoaster" I think sums it up. One day you're so okay with everything and almost feel happy (yet petrified that the feeling will go away) and the next you can barely do anything. I'm going thru it too and I just keep hanging on.
And as far as crazy thoughts are concerned... I told myself this morning while I was blow drying my hair that If I encountered the word "pecan" today that it would mean that my x would call me. I forgot all about it once I left for work and had not even thought about it until I went to the grocery store and while I was standing in line the display in front of me was ALL pecans. Course, realistically I know it's bull, but the insane part of me feels sure it's a sign. I fantasize about the x calling but nothing more because I know the truth is that I can never be with him again. I also use the next song on the radio to determine what type of day I'm gonna have. I feel so out of control, i'm trying to use random things like pecans and the next song on the radio to gain some control. That's nuts! I figure I'm probably no more nuts then anyone else going through a heartbreak.
Don't be hard on yourself and do whatever it takes to get through it.
Aimes
You are definately not alone in the wild array of emotions that you feel from day to day.
I don't know why some days are better than others. I wasn't one to get rid of things he gave me either..everything is just where they always were and that's where they will stay. I don't need to clean out all reminders of him to heal, although I do see that it can help some people, for me, I think I'd be sadder.
I just keep changing my thoughts to something else when I am thinking of him too much. I'll put the tv on for noise, or the radio (on a station I know they won't play songs that remind me of him), or call a friend..anything to stop the thoughts in my head..because if you think you have a wild imagination, you should see MINE!! :)
Anyway, what you're going through is to be expected. Just keep trying to distract yourself whenever possible.
OMG -
Aimes - you had me cracking up!!!! YES YES YES I also play those games.
Pecans!!
Now that was a random word to pick.
I do like the song one you do...........I also do it.
Want to laugh - todays song was Tom Petty's "dont have to live like a refugee"
What the ???
Aside from the silliness of it - I just wish I could stop loving him.
I keep trying to tell myself that we were friends for 8 years and yes there was a huge attraction - but I never loved him then.
Was it the IC that made me think I was in love? Or the regection?
I feel so screwed up