NC 1week! But karma hitting hard

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2010
NC 1week! But karma hitting hard
5
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 8:08am

Hi everyone,


I'm one week NC - I think that's the best I've done in six months. I changed my number but today is a very difficult day and I'm just venting. I've no intentions of contacting.


So yesterday was bad... I was at a party, fell, knocked myself unconscious! now sporting a black eye! And as I got out of bed, I opened the door to a lawyer with a court summons for a tax debt from years back! I also cannot exercise as I've damaged my hip from martial arts and I'm unemployed because of the crappy A - I'm thinking today - can I go any lower? Is this karma because if I can get through this I'm sure I can get through anything.


I was in contact with Secret Life of Jane - who told me not to get wrapped up in what XAP's doing and if he's moved home or not - that his business no longer concerns me. And yes that is true and if I could be in that place where I didn't care, I'd feel so happy.


Today XAP's W & kids are back from holiday - I know he's having the 'talk' about what's best for the kids - and this could mean moving home. This kills me - only because it feels life has stalled for me and he can so easily slip back into his...


I don't know what I want today, kind words, support that this will get better, the eye will heal, the hip will heal, the court order will be sorted.. my head and heart I just feel are gonna take much much longer :(.


Hope you all have a lovely weekend.


PL x

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 8:33am

Good morning Piku -

I believe in karma, but what you are experiencing is just bad luck. I'm sorry you have a black eye!

<<<>>>

I feel the same way - but don't make assumptions. The truth is, we have no idea what goes on in our XAP's lives. They could be happy and working things out, they could be sad and miss us, who really knows. But Jane is right, we have to focus on us. We are the only person we have control over and we only need to be concerned with our own life.

Time does heal all wounds. Your eye will heal. Your hip will heal. Your heart will heal. Not one of the vets on this board will say "I am X years no contact and my life is worse than before!" Everyone that reaches that light at the end of our dark tunnel is better off. We are going through the process to get there and join them. And we will.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 10:47am

Congrats on one week! I am so glad you stayed committed to NC and remained strong! Despite your struggles, you did not go running back to xAP to affirm you. You don't need him to decide if YOU are going on with YOUR life or not. He's someone's H and has a whole life separate from you. I spent so much time wondering what my M xAP was doing, was he thinking of me, etc., etc. It is all part of the process of letting go. Over time, those thoughts will lessen and you will be in that place where you don't care.

This is the time to do tons of soul-searching to discover why you participated in an A. We are cheering you on and supporting you every step of the way. RTG

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 11:07am

Piku-
I'm so sorry for all the pain and mess you're in right now, and you're right - it will all go away. It's really easy for us A-havers to try to escape our RLs when they are going badly into thoughts (previously into _actions_) that divert our attention. You know better than that now. You now know that your RL and YOU deserve 100% of your energy - not him and not his life - and you're going to kick this bad string of luck in the arse and face your problems head on. I am going to choose to celebrate your awesome one week of NC and that you changed your #! Rock on!!! I hope that you, too, will look at this first week as a major accomplishment and be proud of yourself.

Today is going to be powerful and self-directed! You make it happen.

Best,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2010
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 8:38pm

Deeulta, bodhi and RTG


Thanks so much for the support.. you know, it's amazing that this time last week I felt empowered and today superweak but yet I haven't given in... and I don't intend to.


The way I see it is, I need to move on with my own life, I'm jst finding it very difficult. I miss XAP desperately. I'm romanticising everything about the A and keep having to think of some of the things that made me end it to counteract that.


I was at a lovely family party tonight, me - the designated driver as I don't want to be around alcohol as the hangovers always make me feel weak and low.


It was okay... kept thinking if this was pre A I'd be the life and soul of the party - the one starting the dancing and I'd still be there now partying but instead, took my young niece home and kept her overnight to occupy me so I wouldn't be too caught up in XAP.


It's amazing how something like an A can in the beginning give you a wave of confidence and

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 8:34am

Hey PL-


These ups and downs are a natural part of the healing process after ending an A. One of my good friends, New Season, helped me understand that these down times are growth spurts. And I think Iddy said it best when she said that even in the dark times our inner selves are churning away to make a better us. As long as you stick to NC, even in these down times, you are getting better, you are getting closer to happiness. This is the only road to happiness after an A. We can't go back now. We weather these storms and wake up to a new day each day. You can do this. I know it hurts, but it won't forever. If you take the steps now to invest in you, you will reap the rewards.


Hugs.


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/