NC for 3 weeks. Not counting dreams.
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| Tue, 08-17-2010 - 8:01pm |
I've been on this board for over 3 years. Originally under a different name, which I changed because I was getting "killed by the tough love".
4 plus year A. Both of us married with kids. Lived literally next store and our kids played on a daily basis. I loved her for 2 years before the A even began. She was a fantasy come true in every way. On several occasions we even told our spouses we wanted to divorce. We didn't say why, but there was more than just suspicion on both of our spouses.
I am married now for nearly 13 years to a great wife. 2 great kids. I never considered cheating. And I had/have many opportunities. Just being honest, sorry for the conceit, but women have always like me a lot.
But my xAP swept me away. Like I never felt before. I never wanted someone as much or for so long and to be honest I was completely shocked when she made her feelings known.
But after a year I came to realize that while she was my fantasy come true, I was not much more than "not her husband". She had other lovers. Even one during our first year. But I just couldn't break away from her. She promised she would never cheat on me if we married. Apologized for her "reckless indiscretion" with another guy who lives in our town. Her DH was also married when she met him. She's exceptionally beautifully. And exceptionally cunning, deceitful and manipulative.
So how did it end? I moved with my family 800 miles away and told her we had nothing. I wanted her. She just wanted out of her marriage. I made it clear I could never trust her and even if I was single, I would run away from her. I was quite a bit more harsh than as described.
So it's 3 weeks of NC. And 800 miles of space to prevent our ever happening make up sex.
I have a gaping hole in my heart. And a huge space from missing the most intimate friend I ever had. My DW is a work a holic CPA who never reads the paper, doesn't have interests other than her job and the kids. We just don't EVER talk. Ever. Here's a funny one. I'm a very muscular, handsome, former college wrestler with a masters degree. I've had more than my share of fist fights, I owned a gym, I'm into guns. My wife and I have sex literally everyday. Everyday. But when I tell her I want more conversation, more shared interests she just laughs and says her job and the kids are all she can handle. And then she gives me oral sex.
I saw a therapist in my old town for nearly a year before we moved. She told me I was the biggest enigma she ever met. She also told me my friendship with my xAP (although we had porn star sex too) was keeping me married because my xap was providing me my emotional needs. Now here I am. Done with my A. But missing the emotional intimacy of my A.
So I guess I don't need help with my xAP. It's more of how do you fill the empty space once the A is over? After knowing my wife for 15 years, it's just not going to come from her. As Bruce Springstein says (I'm a jersey boy) - we need to learn to live with what we can't rise above. Or do we just get a divorce? Or do I make a move on the friendly girl at the gym? Ugh ugh ugh.
Edited 8/17/2010 8:08 pm ET by deafdumbandblind

DDAB,
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A board better suited for your question would be the After the Affair Support Board. Here is the link:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlpostaffair/
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Well, my friend, that hasn't changed much around here, so perhaps
~Iddy~
It's good to see you again - well i don't mean it's GOOD because being here means we are in pain, but it's just good to know you're on this path.
I'm also LC for about 2 months now and of course it's almost unbearable.
No other words of wisdom here - just a friendly hello and let's finally move past this craziness!
Sunshine
.
Hi to you too. Yes it hurts so bad. Even though we know how wrong it was. And how much the A hurt us too.
But it was an exciting distraction/diversion from the marital problems that still exist. Even with the A in the past.
What also makes me sad is my therapist and my xAP both saying that our A filled the void and kept us both married.
Now im married to a wonderful woman who i have no connection other than our children and a great sex life. We are friendly, but not friends. We have nothing to say to each other. My xAP, we could talk for days. We laughed. My wife says the only time i smile is when i smoke pot. And im a triathlete fitness fanatic so that's once every other blue moon
Isn't this the board where we realize how great it is too no longer be in an A? Im just reminded why i was in an A for nearly 5 years.
Ugh again
Muddy Waters
Good on you for moving 800miles, that fixes face to face contact..and it does sound like xAP has a little track record going there :)
YES, the emotional void is harder to fill especially after 5 years that was nearly half your marriage hardly fair on W??...you have to keep busy, immerse yourself in your children..take time off W's hands with children so she can have time to
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
You know what? I actually feel good about being out of the A. Right this very moment, i feel good about it. Maybe that will change. But for now, that's how it is. For example - my xAP called in sick to work today with a "medical emergency". So i would've normally freaked out about what's going on, and i would've wanted to text him and find out, but of course i couldn't because i don't know where he is or who he is with. And it would've totally ruined my day.
But now..i know i'm not supposed to text him because there's no A.. and it feels good..in some sick way, that i don't have to find out what is going on right now.
He put up quite a fight when i was ending. Until just a few days ago he was trying to get me back. But to me..it's over..it's been over a long time. In my eyes he is now a coward. A man who wants his cake on the side. I am the same way of course. But saying this about him makes it easier to move on.
Time heals all wounds..i envy you for being so far away from her..
Sunshine
.
Sunshine
.
And I envy you feeling good about being free of all the drama. But working together must be awful. My bondage was her house literally across the street. Our bedroom windows faced each other. How's that for
Muddy Waters
Hello there sunshine -
I agree with you, it does feel good to be out of the A; it is like I'm free once again from being chained down in so many ways, yet I miss some things too, mostly the friendship XAP and I shared.
Oh well, I believe everything happens for a reason and we live and learn and as long as we LEARN by our mistakes, that is what really matters most.
I am just tired of having to come to work daily and facing XAP, some days I don't think I can do it anymore, other days, I'm strong as can be. I have to really try hard to not make eye contact with him because THAT makes it so much harder for me.
I'm so thankful for this board!!! It has helped me through my lowest moments.
Hugs