NC Day 0

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2011
NC Day 0
5
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 9:52pm

Whoops! I had originally posted this under an old username here at iVillage. Sorry. Here it is posted under my correct username.

I did it! Like I told everyone I would in my post last night. Today is Day 0 in my quest for NC with my now ex-AP.

We spoke on the phone today and he kept stalling but yet he wouldn't tell me what I wanted to hear. So I told him he had until 6pm to change my mind and he didn't. Maybe he thinks he's calling my bluff, but when he tried to email me, he will find that the email addresses he used to use are deleted. When he tries to call me, he will get a nice message from the phone company letting him know that his calls are no longer wanted. I have blocked him from my life.

I can't keep him from emailing me at my work address, too many questions would be asked. But do you know what? I have this nifty button on my computer called DELETE and if I have to use it I will.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not at all happy about this. But it comes down to this. My heart has been broken way too many times to keep going back and forth. I honestly gave him a chance and he failed. I also told him that if I was as important to him as he claims, he would make room for me in his life. That is the number one thing that rang true for me in my readings from the last few days. If I am so important to him and he so loves me, then why doesn't he make room for me in his life? Because I'm not that important.

So, one day at a time. Tomorrow will be NC Day 1. I'm looking forward to it and the ones that will follow. I'll go back to reading, instead of watching my phone at night. I'll go back to my crafts that I loved to do, but never had time for after he came into my life. Maybe I'll also write that books I've always wanted to do. Now that I have more time.

I'll keep posting.

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
In reply to: simplysoft40
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 11:11pm

Simplysoft,

Tomorrow marks the 1st day in your journey to complete NC...make it a complete and full day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2011
In reply to: simplysoft40
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 2:30am

I feel that way tonight. Wondering if I made the right decision. What is funny about that is that today when we spoke on the phone he kept telling me that he couldn't give me what I needed right now. Why didn't I hear him? Because I didn't want to hear him. That is what he could have said to me, that I wanted to hear. "I was wrong and I do love you and I can't be without you". But I didn't get that and instead got a "I can't give you what you want right now". Then I tried to get off the phone and he kept stalling. Kept talking about other stuff, then he admitted he was stalling. Then he started crying and doing his "narcisstic" "it's all my fault, I'm a loser, I'm a horrible person, I hurt you badly" serenade. I had to go because my daughter came home and I couldn't talk in front of her.

Then he sent me an email telling me that he wanted to talk on the phone tomorrow morning and that is when I laid into him and said "why". What has changed between then and now? I said if nothing has changed, then no I do not want to talk. That is when I deleted my email accounts, and blocked him number through my cell carrier. They are still deleted and he is still blocked.

He kept asking me if this was for real and I kept telling him yes. There was no going back. Yeah, sure I want him to chase after me, to make me feel like I meant something to him. But I want things to be different and it's obvious they won't be. He actually had the guts to admit that he had sex with his wife this last weekend. The thing between us about that is they supposedly haven't had sex since before he and I started seeing each other. They don't sleep in the same room. He said it would never happen, but miracously this last weekend they did it. Hmmm.... that is awful strange considering it's been 10 months since they supposedly last did it. Then he starts in with "oh, I've upset you and I shouldn't have told you that, but I've always wanted to be honest". He just wanted this to hurt more.

I'm not going to stoop to his level, but I so badly want to tell him how I feel and how he's ruined my life and broken my heart with his lies. I want to tell him how I really feel about him. I want him to hurt as badly as I do. I doubt he does. Maybe I'll wait for him to come crawling back and then let him have it like he did me. I know, nothing worse than a woman scorned.

I feel so foolish for ever believing the things he told me. I should have seen this coming a mile away and never believed the things he told me. He had me so fooled. I am so bitter.

Honestly I hope he rots in hell. I am that mad right now. So mad.

thanks for reading. It feels good to get this out. I can't journal which I would love to do because I have teens and a husband that would try to read it. I've thought about blogging, but that doesn't interest me much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
In reply to: simplysoft40
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 3:35am

Hi SimplySoft

I'm really pleased to read you have blocked an walked - this is the start of YOUR new life, and its going to be tough in the start, but every day DOES get better, and every day you will notice you smile a little more, you think of him a little less, and suddendly you will start thinking about YOU and you loved ones, he will no longer be in the equasion - best feeling in the world to have that weight off your shoulders. I can't wait to see you in a few months time!

I just wasnt to quicly comment on what you wrote

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2010
In reply to: simplysoft40
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 2:31pm
simplysoft, you could set up an email account that no one knows about and start keeping a journal in there. That's what I do too and it is very helpful
x
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
In reply to: simplysoft40
Thu, 04-19-2012 - 10:56pm

I totally get the wanting to hurt him thing, SS.