NC Day 1 almost over

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2011
NC Day 1 almost over
24
Tue, 02-01-2011 - 7:28pm

Part of me is sick that he didn't even email me an explanation for his abrupt getting-back-together with xGF.

But, what difference does it make, right?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Wed, 02-02-2011 - 1:34pm

I too tried really hard to wish happiness for my xap. And then, TU came along and gave me invaluable perspective. I am going to quote her because she is so dang quotable:

"And while he hurt me deeply in the end, it was all my choices that made that possible. I have released him from responsibility for my feelings, for my choices and my future. I don’t wish him well – I wish him nothing. Not as in NOTHING, but I have no hopes/thoughts/expectations for him about his future.”

I am not going to lie and say that I have reached this stage completely- I still think of xap and some times hope that he is well (and sometimes hope that he is miserable), but for the most part, I wish him nothing.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2011
Wed, 02-02-2011 - 1:55pm
Thank you for that, Jane!

There is so much wisdom, experience and caring here!

I feel like I have such a long, long way to go...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Wed, 02-02-2011 - 2:15pm
nvrsaynvr4 wrote:
How long did it take to not care about xAP anymore? Did you ever care for him? Were you in a happy M? Do you have an intro I can read? I'd like to know more from you whose xAP was single.

I work with xAP - thankfully on different floors, so contact would be by email or IM only, which is how we started - so accidental contact is always a possibility.

NV, I don't know how to do a search on my story but it is in IV somewhere...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Wed, 02-02-2011 - 2:21pm

Dear NVRS,

Details - MW in a very physical and emotional affair (almost 2 years) with MM. Co-worker, shared friendship circle. I told my H about 1 week in, he had a planned DDay at the end of the affair the first time i went NC. He planned on leaving, was getting cold feet, and i went NC for the last time. He fishes ... even though I quit the job and avoid him whenever possible. We are in the same program at school and seeing him occassionally is unavoidable.

**

I was in a very happy & loving marriage. Once you've been here a while you will see, that I have NOTHING but admiration, love & affection for my H. We are separated, and in the process of divorcing; however, I believe we are a living testament to healthy separation and co-parenting. I do not and never did, hold my H or my marriage responsible for my choices. If I would have simply said it was a crappy marriage that drove me to behave in such ways, I would have been lying. On the other hand if I would have said I had a perfect marriage and so it must have just been pure selfishness that drove me to make destructive choices, I too believe that would have been selling out - or rather - taking the easy way out. If I was 'driven' to take such actions, and the consequences were all on me and only me, then sure I could say, just me ego talking and move on happy that for a time being I felt acceptance and gratified. Maybe getting plastic surgery or something would be one of those thing (in my mind - only an example and the only one I could think of - NOTHING personal :).

HOWEVER, having an affair for me is far more nuanced and challenging to unpack that the simple explanations we give ourselves. I buy that 'simple' flirting, emails, exchanges texts ... all those little actions in the beginning that feed our ego and leave us wanting more is just the beginning of where affairs get problematic. Then there is the lying to ourselves that what we are doing isn't so bad as long as no one gets hurt, and we start to engage in incredible cognitive gymnastics to sustain these beliefs: minimizing, denial, blame, rationalizing, justifying. Then there is the coping with the occasional ripple or wave of guilt. Coping with the anxiety of getting caught. The thoughts when we realize all we have to lose. YET - we continue on in pursuit of an empty dream - NOT only because it doesn't exist as something to actually win, but BECAUSE we ourselves wouldn't even want it once we got whatever it is we "got". Each little act, each choice, each action to sustain something so damaging ... each time we could have made a choice but didn't. We fed our ego. WHY?

All along, sure you're not pulling away from your husband ... I am not sure how that can be so if there is a wall of lies standing between you. HE literally doesn't even know you, who you have become and what you are doing. AND if he did, he would be destroyed. You're getting away with it. That feels awesome and exciting at the time. NOW it makes me feel sick. It makes me wonder and deeply reflect on WHY I felt so entitled? Why did I feel in such need of gratification? Why did I take so badly from so many people to have my needs met? Why did I say I "cared" about someone yet used them (xAP) to have my needs met, and nothing more? For me, I couldn't live with the answer just because. Just because what? These relationships are hard to get over because they happen in secret? Because society is just so closed minded to other types of relationships? Because I was in a crappy/happy marriage and therefore as long as no one knew I was in the clear? NONE of these were reasons, these were justifications.

So, it came down to exploring issues of self-worth and where/when they formed, in what circumstances, by whom. WHY was my ego so hungry and WHY would I choose the AFFAIR path rather than a different path to "heal"? I believe these answers are significant.

TU.

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