NC Day 2- Fail.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
NC Day 2- Fail.
6
Wed, 10-21-2009 - 8:00pm

(Quick background- 3 months this has been going on. Xap and his W are close friends of my H and I. No sex- just cuddling/kissing/texting....all 4 of us hang out alot on the weekends)

So, I made it through NC day 1. I made it till late this afternoon. I wanted to text him so bad I was shaking. So I did. I told him that this was really hard for me. He texted back that if I had texted him earlier, I would've gotten caught, because he is not going to lie anymore. He also said that I need to just 'cut the feelings and don't look back.'

Ouch.

And on top of that, my H was supposed to meet me for dinner, and he forgot.

So here I am. Feeling really angry- angry at myself, at xap, at H, even at xap's w (which i know is ludicrous), and even a little angry at God. I am angry about my life and where I am. I am severely hurt.

I know I shouldn't have texted him. I guess....No.... I know....that I was hoping he would tell me he missed me or that this was hard for him too.

I guess tomorrow is NC day 1 again. I know that I can NOT see him and his w this weekend. It would do nothing but make me more hurt and bitter.

I am so depressed. All I can think about is getting in my car and running away somewhere. Sigh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2008
Wed, 10-21-2009 - 9:04pm

Hazelrose,


Ok, so you got an answer that you didn't want to hear!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Wed, 10-21-2009 - 9:51pm

That's why NC=No new pain. You reached out for him only to find out that he cut his feelings off already and is irritated that you didn't do the same.
It sucks, but you have to accept it - he is done with it, and so should be you.

Best of luck to you. Tomorrow will be a new day, keep that NC because it protects you from further pain.

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2009
Wed, 10-21-2009 - 11:30pm
Hazel
I'm so sorry, I feel your pain because I too had to deal with some rejection from my XAP. It still hurts my pride but I am so glad he did that now because I just wasn't strong enough to do it myself. You have got to find away to cut him and his wife out of you and your husband's life. Tell him you just don't like hanging out with them anymore, if you think he won't get suspicious or get involved with other friends. My xap is my husband's sister's husband (my BIL) and we also had an EA, some physical so unfortunately I will have to see him a few times a year. Just give yourself sometime to heal and you will have different feelings everyday. But it will get better, I promise. This is going to sound really weird but my T says there is this little girl in me that wanted this guy that was so bad for me, maybe a teenage part of me that I just let run wild and call all the shots. Now that I have been NC for a couple months the adult me is talking to her and telling her that its ok she wanted to be with him but he is not good for her and I'm going to protect her and not let her get hurt anymore. I thought this guy was the answer to everything and I went to him to heal some childhood/teenage wounds and I thought he was doing that but really he was just using me for an ego boost. The only person who is going to be there for me ,take care of me is the adult me and God. I know that sounds like alot of pyscho babble but I am realizing that I can't rely on other people to fill me up or take care of me, or for my happiness. I have to work on doing that myself and with God. I am definitely not there but it is a goal. So if you don't feel too goofy talk to that inner little girl inside of you and tell her its going to be ok and you are going to take care of her and get through this. You can do this, just be gentle with yourself and keep soul searching, whatever u need to do to get through this hard time that is temporary
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 1:21am

Hi Hazel,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 11:28am

Hi everyone. I want to say thank you for your wise words. Your kind words too. Last night was really hard for me. Xap and his W have seen my H and I fight, and they know we are having a difficult time in our marriage. Xap's w and i have a sort of friendship, but last night i realized that both her and my xap both take my husband's side when it comes to the problems in my marriage. My H forgot about me and dinner last night, but that is somehow my fault? sigh.

Anyway. This morning I just feel numb. I don't want anything to do with xap, his w, or my H for that matter. I don't want anything to do with any other human being. I am so hurt and broken.

Logoncollie- I appreciate your words. They were not harsh, but truthful.

Gonebaby- thank you for saying that I need to be done with this.

Classy- My T has told me the same thing about the little girl inside of me. I do think there is some truth to that. I have a faith in God and I know that I have been looking to everyone and everything else to fill me up, and that is where i have gone wrong. I know that I have to depend on him. I prayed this morning, and it was like I felt God just telling me "Look, you need to stop. Stop trying to fix everything. Hands OFF! Let me do it. You made a mess of things, let me unravel it." So, that is what I am going to try to do. Just let go. I am too tired today to try to put forth effort into anything besides breathing.

Band- You are right, I have to stop seeing them in social settings. It is the only way I am going to move forward. I can't bear to see him now anyway.

I am going to see my T tonight, and she is wonderful, so I am looking forward to that.

Sometimes I think about telling my H everything, but part of me realizes I probably want to do that as a way out of my situation because my H would probably leave me. I am just not going to do anything at this moment, except breathe and take care of myself.

I am so hurt- hurt by my H, my xap, his w.

Thank you everyone for your advice- please continue to post today, because I need you to get through this. Day 1, again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Thu, 10-22-2009 - 12:00pm

Hazel, it is time to stop. Now is the time for you to decide what is the most important things in your life. You? Marriage? Friends? Certainly not xAP.


Step back and let silence be your guide. Just stay quiet, do not respond to your friends and xAP. They have no business siding with anyone during a marital argument.


Telling a spouse about the affair has been discused at length here on EAS. I say do not do it if your only motivation is to release guilt and tension. You have to ask what is your motivation and what do you think the outcome would be? Don't even think about it unless you are ready to leave your marriage, because that could be a reality if you disclosed the truth.


I'm glad you have yout T tonight. Meanwhile, try to relax and be kind to yourself.