((big hugs!)) I wanted to say thank you for that list...it really helped me right now, and I needed it. I know how you feel re: falling apart, feeling like 'we' are the ones grieving and that xAP feels nothing, that they just get to 'go on'. Though, my situation is a bit different, I'm S and xAP is a MM. We don't work together, or live close at all (at least a few hours drive away) so I suppose this is a blessing in that I don't have to hear/run the risk of hearing everything. But, I do have one hell of an imagination...so, I can think up all sorts of things. But, in the end - I tell myself to stop, because it doesn't matter. He could be 'over the moon', and it shouldn't and doesn't matter of my, for our, healing. Also remember that...well, there are a lot of lies in an A, a lot of 'fronts' and he very well could be putting up one. I'm not sure what it matters, or if it helps, but the only 'truth' that you can know is your own, and how you're feeling. Whether xMM hurts, misses me, love(d) me or not...it doesn't or can't matter to me anymore. I do miss xMM, but more than that I miss myself, I miss the woman who would take 'no sh*t from no-one', who had goals and a drive to do so many things, who laughed, and smiled and gave love to people who deserved it (and to herself!). That's the hardest part...in giving so much, too much, I lost a lot of that, a lot of myself... and I (we?) have to find my (our) way back. And by the sounds of it, even though you're really hurting (like all of us enders, especially at the beginning) - I think you have a good plan and you'll make it to 'the other side'. In some ways I envy people who have a 'strict' 9-5 job, because that way there is structure. I'm a grad student, I set my own hours. There is a lot of time at home, alone...trying to read and write really dense stuff...it's so hard to focus. So, I hear you on that front. Come here and let your heart break, get it out, because keeping it and pretending 'everything is just peachy' doesn't help. Coming here helps to get it out, even if it's some tears of joy in reading in others success, I know that's what I like to do. Or I read and gain strength and wisdom from other posters (both past and present). So, a big thank you and big hugs to you! I can't say I know how to deal with a work/close proximity situation, but I think/hope others will jump in to cover that one. I just wanted to say I understand the 'hurt' and the wondering/worry that we are the only party experiencing grief. ((hugs))
---- 'It may be that when we no longer know what to do, We have come to our real work, And that when we no longer know which way to go, We have begun our real journey' - Wendell Berry
Misty, My heart is breaking for you. How awful for you to have to hear others commenting on how upbeat he is. Like you, I have had no support from family or friends to help me through this crisis. This board saved me and you are very wise to come here. The grief is overwhelming.
<> Good thing you didn't! You are now seeing him for the selfish jerk he is.
Good for you for making 9 days NC! Keep coming back to this board, keep reading, keep posting. Better days are ahead, I promise. It sounds like you at least have a plan in place to deal with your grief. You're on the right road. Just add #7) Visit EAS frequently. We will get you through this.
thank you all, for responding...yes, my soul feels like it truly has been torn in half. I'm also humiliated for acting out of desperation and "holding on" when he obviously let go quite awhile before me.
Just woke up from another nightmare and had to get out of bed after that one. He had picked up a girl after having been with me the night before...and I had to watch them together. Kinda like what exactly happened to me in reality three weeks ago tomorrow with xAP. He was oh so emotional and sweet setting me up, wanting to spend the entire day with me, making all this time just for me. I was wary after having been burned/ignored by him in the past...but gave in. Found out he met someone else the next day.
Yes, this pain is raw and real. For anyone lurking who thinks they can handle being friends with xAP...you will only know it after you hit head-on the reality of being replaced. Me? No way. The hurt is excruciating. Block and walk, baby.
NC is the only way. I wish I had trusted the vets long ago when I started lurking a year and a half ago.
Hi Misty,
((big hugs!)) I wanted to say thank you for that list...it really helped me right now, and I needed it. I know how you feel re: falling apart, feeling like 'we' are the ones grieving and that xAP feels nothing, that they just get to 'go on'. Though, my situation is a bit different, I'm S and xAP is a MM. We don't work together, or live close at all (at least a few hours drive away) so I suppose this is a blessing in that I don't have to hear/run the risk of hearing everything. But, I do have one hell of an imagination...so, I can think up all sorts of things. But, in the end - I tell myself to stop, because it doesn't matter. He could be 'over the moon', and it shouldn't and doesn't matter of my, for our, healing. Also remember that...well, there are a lot of lies in an A, a lot of 'fronts' and he very well could be putting up one. I'm not sure what it matters, or if it helps, but the only 'truth' that you can know is your own, and how you're feeling. Whether xMM hurts, misses me, love(d) me or not...it doesn't or can't matter to me anymore. I do miss xMM, but more than that I miss myself, I miss the woman who would take 'no sh*t from no-one', who had goals and a drive to do so many things, who laughed, and smiled and gave love to people who deserved it (and to herself!). That's the hardest part...in giving so much, too much, I lost a lot of that, a lot of myself... and I (we?) have to find my (our) way back. And by the sounds of it, even though you're really hurting (like all of us enders, especially at the beginning) - I think you have a good plan and you'll make it to 'the other side'. In some ways I envy people who have a 'strict' 9-5 job, because that way there is structure. I'm a grad student, I set my own hours. There is a lot of time at home, alone...trying to read and write really dense stuff...it's so hard to focus. So, I hear you on that front. Come here and let your heart break, get it out, because keeping it and pretending 'everything is just peachy' doesn't help. Coming here helps to get it out, even if it's some tears of joy in reading in others success, I know that's what I like to do. Or I read and gain strength and wisdom from other posters (both past and present).
So, a big thank you and big hugs to you! I can't say I know how to deal with a work/close proximity situation, but I think/hope others will jump in to cover that one. I just wanted to say I understand the 'hurt' and the wondering/worry that we are the only party experiencing grief.
((hugs))
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
Misty,
My heart is breaking for you. How awful for you to have to hear others commenting on how upbeat he is. Like you, I have had no support from family or friends to help me through this crisis. This board saved me and you are very wise to come here. The grief is overwhelming.
<>
Good thing you didn't! You are now seeing him for the selfish jerk he is.
Good for you for making 9 days NC! Keep coming back to this board, keep reading, keep posting. Better days are ahead, I promise. It sounds like you at least have a plan in place to deal with your grief. You're on the right road. Just add #7) Visit EAS frequently. We will get you through this.
((hugs))
CSN
Hi and hugs and hugs.
Your post was so raw and real.
thank you all, for responding...yes, my soul feels like it truly has been torn in half. I'm also humiliated for acting out of desperation and "holding on" when he obviously let go quite awhile before me.
Just woke up from another nightmare and had to get out of bed after that one. He had picked up a girl after having been with me the night before...and I had to watch them together. Kinda like what exactly happened to me in reality three weeks ago tomorrow with xAP. He was oh so emotional and sweet setting me up, wanting to spend the entire day with me, making all this time just for me. I was wary after having been burned/ignored by him in the past...but gave in. Found out he met someone else the next day.
Yes, this pain is raw and real. For anyone lurking who thinks they can handle being friends with xAP...you will only know it after you hit head-on the reality of being replaced. Me? No way. The hurt is excruciating. Block and walk, baby.
NC is the only way. I wish I had trusted the vets long ago when I started lurking a year and a half ago.
Hugs,
Misty