NC has been broken
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NC has been broken
| Tue, 10-27-2009 - 2:05pm |
We were at the kids field hockey game and I ignored her. (This was what both agreed too) - She returned home and emailed me. I ignored it (although I read it). Then she called me in the office yesterday. No caller ID, we spoke at length.
I really like her. Really. We agreed to stay away. She then called back and said she did not want too stay away. No plans to resume PA.
But it's out there. Today is my DW birthday. I won't talk or email xAP. Aside from all of the other reasons for A being bad, we were especially bad with our jealousies of spousal sex. She sent me a not so nice email telling me HB to my DW this morning.
UGH.
How the F am I going to stay away. ARRRRGGGGGG.

Hi DDB,
NC is the hardest part of ending an A but without NC it’s almost impossible to end it completely.
I understand that you don’t want to be mean about it and hang up on her but…you could have said you had to go or couldn’t talk. There are things you can say to cut the call short if she does call that are not rude or mean.
Why haven’t you blocked her email? You left a crack and now the seal is blown off and the NC door is now standing wide open.
You have to explore why you are leaving the door open to her (leaving the email open). When we stubble during NC, we have to ask ourselves lots of questions and put a plan in affect to counter anything the xAP will throw at you. It’s tough but it really is the only way.
Also, IMHO if we put as much time into our M’s (for those of us that are M) as we did in the A then our M’s would be so much better for it.
Forgive me for my forwardness, but I haven’t seen you post much about how you are working on your M. You say DW but you don’t mention what time you are putting into work out problems with her. Maybe you are putting as much time into your M as you are into thoughts about xAP and just haven’t posted about it here??? Just an observation on my part.
Reading emails and talking on the phone with xAP is allowing your time and focus to go to her. This will not help your cause. If you can’t resist, then block. Can you block her number on your office phone? It’s not about what xAP wants or does not want. It’s about what you want.
Now that NC is broken you can write a brief email saying, "I can't do this anymore. I need to block your email and calls. It's what is best for all of us."
That way you are not being mean. You are explaining you are doing it for all involved. Any promises you made about always being there for her, YOU CANNOT KEEP!!! Your commitment is to your family not xAP. Her commitment should be to her family. You both crossed the line and the consequences are that you can not be friends and chat/talk/email.
We here on EAS will be rooting for you as you put the hinges back on the NC door and apply new weather seal on those cracks.
E1
Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.
A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Hi DDB -
I haven't responded to your posts before -
The only way this can be over is if you decide it's over.
Thanks. My wife and I have been getting along great. Very strange how with the A out of the picture, my wife and I get along much better. I'm even better with the kids. I'm not looking at them and wondering if I'll be moving out of the house to be with xAP and need to desensitize myself to that loss.
Why did I speak to xAP? I miss her. I like her. I lust for her. I'm still not taking responsibility for my actions and the accompanying consequences. It's lunacy. And for those of you who think about breaking NC - yesterday was the most painful day I have had in the past 2 weeks. And instead of going home and "Being with" my wife, I went home from work, took a xanax, read a book and went to sleep.
Muddy Waters
Muddy Waters
<>
Not strange. The A affects how you view your W and family. That is why we always encourage newbies if they are M to wait until A fog clears to make a decision about M. BandK has posted extensively about how the A skewed her thinking and views of her H.
<> Nice try but there is more to it than this. I think the ego trip you mentioned to OMT is digging deeper…but there is still more.
Ok if you’ve read here, you know I’m a hard a$$ and not going to let you off that easy. While it is an honest answer it is only surface stuff. You are getting a deeper payoff by talking/emailing her. To know the consequences and still not block emails and phone numbers…DDB…you are not deaf, dumb or blind. You knew what was going to happen. You said she always breaks NC. So I ask you what is the payoff?
Dig deep and find it and then you will be able to know how to counter. You don’t have to post your answer as I’m not trying to get all up in your grill (not trying to get too personal). Just ask it to yourself and put your thoughts on things along those lines and the payoff will be very beneficial. It will be a bigger payoff than wasting time thinking about how you miss her…blah….blah…blah.
I believe I have some idea of what the payoff is for you. A few things come to mind but it will be much better if you find the answer.
I’m not trying to psycho analyze. I try to get people here to think and do self-introspection. I believe it encourages taking minds off xAP thoughts and places the thought process on a more constructive route. Part of getting over xAP is retraining your brain to think in a different direction.
Like OMT posted, it is up to you to control your actions. As you mentioned in your posts, you only created more pain by allowing the contact.
E1
Whether you think you can or you think you can���t you are probably right.
A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
You two sound like you're both addicted to the drama and ego strokes. That's why you're having a hard time staying away from each other.
trixie xo
"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.”
Yes, exactly. Although my wife is incredibly nice to me and attractive, we have a more grounded interaction. Grounded by reality.
Aside from my xAP being exceptionally stunning to see and touch, we ridiculously (pathetically??) complement each other. And we out of control passionately physically ravish each other. I still feel like I'm living a fantasy when I'm with her - 3.5 years later. ANd she does as well.
Of course it would go up in a puff of smoke if it were ever reality. But it's still physically and emotionally real (in a deluded sense) when we are together. And of course when I am with her, all of my real world troubles vanish for that short time.
I so wish my desire would go away. I will not see her, I know it's horrible and false and lying. But yes, I certainly don't feel out of the woods yet. But I know it's 100% my choice to ignore her, or not.
Muddy Waters
DDB - My xAP and I still work together. For the longest time, every day he told me how much he wants me, how sexy I am, how he constantly thinks & fantasizes about me, how when I walk by him he's "toast", how he loves my hair/nails/skin/arms/legs/boobs/(fill in the blank), etc. The point is - the high I got from hearing those things was incredible. I felt young (I'm in my 40's), better than a teenager, I felt confident. I felt like someone else. The great escape. BUT the pain would come, and when it did it made all the other stuff seem insignificant and even silly. It was a tremendous struggle to let go of all that. I had to insist that my xAP NOT express these thoughts. Letting them go led to
"I still feel like I'm living a fantasy when I'm with her - 3.5 years later. ANd she does as well."
Well, that's probably because it is exactly what you're doing - living a fantasy.
Good Morning & Happy Friday...
DD&B,
I have read some of your posts and just wanted to see how you are doing...
I know that it has been helpful for me to see a mans point of view on this subject as 99% of us that post are women.
I know by reading here that you have really struggled with this and I hope that its getting easier for you.
L