NC impossible - work in same bldg.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
NC impossible - work in same bldg.
6
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 9:18pm
I am so upset and I need some advice PLEASE. I have been on a horrible rollercoaster ride. My A ended with MM in Sept. and I can't get over him. I ended it and I know I hurt him but I think I fell in love with him - or lust - I don't know. He is a terrible communicator and that was our big problem during the 1 year Affair. When I don't see him I am fine but once I do I practically cry on the spot and I HATE the small talk he tries to do with me. During the xmas break I was fine but now I lost it again this week. I don't see him that often, sometimes once a day, sometimes 3 times a day sometimes not for 2 days straight. I even emailed him today and said some hurtful things that I wanted to get off my chest. He never responded but that is normal for him to let me vent and not respond back. To make a long story short we both got emotionally involved with each other and played mind games and treated each other horribly at times. I think we should not try and be friends because it hurts so much to talk to him about day to day things when he gives me these looks sometimes like he not over me and still wants me. He is such a jerk and I would NEVER want to ruin my M for him, I would NEVER want to be married to him. I just wanted to have him as my lover and be treated good. Does anyone know how long it will take for me to get over him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 9:28pm

Spoiled

If you keep opening the old wounds you may never get over this (I do not say him).

End all volantary communications and contact, your at work to work so do that and then leave at the end of the day.

This Friendship stuff doe not work, stop it now as a beginning of the end.

Oh and if he insists on small talk steer the conversation and tell him nothing but great things about your husband everytime he starts up, bet you he stops after a few attempts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 10:13am

I think I'd slit my throat if I had to see my XMM at work everyday.

The 'guage' psychologists/psychiatrists give for getting over a relationship is at least 1/2 the time you were in the relationship. HOWEVER, I don't know if that means seeing him every day or not seeing him everyday. I think it means NOT seeing him everyday. A coworker of mine went with another coworker for one year but she saw him every day and it took her two years to get over him.

Look, it's exactly like crying the loss of a loved one -- except you're still seeing the body everyday. Can you transfer to another building, city -- how 'bout country? Oh god, my heart goes out to you. I would just die.

I don't agree about bringing up your husband when you have to speak with this man. More mind games. Just don't speak with him unless you have to -- about work. If he wants to 'chit-chat' at any time, tell him you're real busy right now and go on down the hall.

I wish you well. This is real rough for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 12:14pm
Thanks Bella, you hit it exactly - 2 years - I can see it happening that way and that is because I love my job and won't be leaving it, I am on a special project that may go 5 more years - it is my dream job - and he certainly won't be leaving cause he is in a high up position - 1 floor up from me and he is 8 yrs. away from retirement (he is 47 and I am 35). In my nasty email yesterday I mentioned that he does not have to make small talk, we don't ever have to speak again and its not like anybody would think it was weird if we stopped talking cause we don't work in the same area and have hidden the A very well. I told him all that so we'll see if he keeps up the chit-chat. I still get the sick feeling and it has been 4 months, I still cry lots also. I know in 2 months I won't be any better but I think maybe in a year I can get over this, I hope not 2 years. I went to see a therapist once and have not been back, do they really help?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 6:56pm

No, no, I said ONE-HALF THE TIME YOU WERE IN THE AFFAIR. So, for you, that would make at least six months.

If you're still crying "LOTS" have you thought about seeing a doctor for a little medication to see you through? You shouldn't be crying lots at four months. First of all, crying too much for too long will make you sick. I'm surprised you can work on your project. I'm surprised you can work.

Yes, if you can afford it, get a therapist. I don't know how true it is but 'they' say that if you're a woman you should see a man therapist (and vice versa -- I've always liked a man more). A big problem is FINDING a good therapist. I would find therapists who have been doing it for a long time and be sure to check their credentials. It doesn't necessarily follow that if they graduate from a 'big name' academic school that they are any better than someone who graduates from a professional school but graduating from an academic school is a big plus. More importantly is how long they've been therapists and what 'school of psychology' they follow. Some are into analysis, some are into 'talk' therapy, some are into behavior modification, some are "Jungians" (my favorite!), etc. So get some recommendations (if you attend a place of worship, you pastor/priest/rabbi will have some recommendations), and then call for an appt. and tell the therapist that you want to 'interview' him/her. If they are any good, they will let you and, usually, let you 'interview' free of charge. And stick with your gut feeling. If you don't like the therapist you finally decide on -- find another one. You'll know. There's a big difference between knowing that this therapist is not 'right' for you and not liking what he/she is saying because it simply isn't what you want to hear.

I really admire you. Keep up the good work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 11:21pm

Hi Bella... You know he is not worth my tears, at least it is only certain times of the month when I cry and it doesn't last long. I understood when you said 6 months but I am considering my situation to be the same as your friend who it took 2 years cause she seen him daily at work also. I am hoping it only lasts 1 year only. I know 6 months won't do it cause we never really had the closure so the last 4 months I have still thought maybe we would get back together again like the other 10 times when I so-called ended it. This time it seems to be different, he has maybe finally gotten fed up with it all also cause he hasn't tried either and my pride is too strong to tell him I don't want it to be over. I know it HAS to be over... it is a toxic relationship. He won't say its over though, he just lets me vent and doesn't respond. I guess it is over so does the healing only START now???

At work, we get 5 free therapy sessions per year. The one time I went in November I seen a female cause the only male guy is not good I heard. We have no choice but to go to this one place. The lady I seen is the best they say - at this location. WELL, I have to say that I was surprised that they only listen and don't really give advice.... I WANT ADVICE, I want her to tell me HOW to get over this jerk-off man... I can use my confidant friend to listen who has NO degree.... Do I keep going to her??

As for medication, I tried a few when I was depressed a few years ago from postpardom and I get EVERY side effect so I won't go on them again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 12:52am

Good to know you're not crying that much. Got concerned there.

No, I wouldn't go to my work's therapist. They usually aren't very good (which is why they have this arrangement with a company). However, to be honest, most do only listen the first few times -- they have to get to know you; they have to hear what you're saying AND what you're not saying (which is as important as what you're saying -- usually more important).

If you want to know how to get over this jerk, you can read my earlier posts on what to do. You can read books -- there are A LOT of good books 'out there' -- far better than the little I wrote -- on how to get over a man. But a therapist should help you get at the underlying issues. Otherwise it's like putting out a fire while leaving the embers glowing and ready to blaze up again. Do you understand?

What you REALLY want is for someone to help you stop the pain -- NOW. But no one is going to do it because no one can do it. It takes TIME. god, I remember saying over and over again, "I want the pain to stop -- NOW" (as though that would make the pain stop -- yeah, right). The pain runs its course. We can do things to lessen it or even shorten it. But usually, in the beginning the end of the affair, we're in so much pain that it's good if we can get back and forth to work.

While you're looking for a good therapist, talk to your GF. You need to talk. You need someone to listen. It'll work for now. If you don't talk out this pain, the wound will get infected.

And while we're hurting, we need to be proud of ourselves that we ended the affair (easier said than done).