NC to LC , not good. help.
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| Thu, 05-06-2010 - 9:41am |
Five minutes before I was to leave the office last night, boss comes to me with a request for a personal favor. Will I contact my "good friend" (xAP) to secure his band for Boss' best friend's wife's 40th birthday party in two months. I told him I would be happy to contact X's management to do this and he responded that he'd like me to "really try to make this happen" and to also personally ask X. Me... turning all shades of red before the blood left my head and I felt faint. So, email to X was 100% business. Not even a "Dear Jam," in it -- just explained that my boss requested this personal favor and would he please see if it was possible and have his management contact Boss' friend to make any further arrangements. The email I found in my box this morning was devastating. X responded very personally. A huge, heartfelt apology for the hurt he caused - a run down of all the happenings in his life over the past six months - a detailed description of how he's not 'moved on' though he's "trying like crazy" and how he mourns the loss of our R and friendship, and that he feels like his "heart has died". He mentioned the two accidental run-ins we've had and that seeing me and the cool reception I gave him tells him that I am over him and "he felt like crumbling into pieces" after. He said he cried in his car, filled with regret and loss. He asked me very specific questions about my life, like "did you get that X project?" "how is the new house?" and "did DD do so-n-so and how was it?" Oh, and he forgot to mention a single word about playing the private gig. OMFG. The email was written at 2am, so he was probably two or three bourbons loosened up - otherwise I think he'd have been WAY more reticent.
NC, right? Don't respond at all, right? Ok. I am soooooo ripped up right now. Many, many tender and warm feelings for xAP -- hurting and empathizing with his struggle - wanting to 'fix' him or help him or whatever - not wanting to make him hurt worse by ignoring his heartfelt apology - the temptation to write back is OVERWHELMING. Even if it's just to acknowledge the email and give him the advice of NC=no new hurts. I am so NOT bulletproof. I am not 'indifferent' yet, and even if I were indifferent to xAP, I can't be indifferent to the suffering he's feeling, irrespective of any feelings I still have/had for him.
Even close to 7 months out, I do not trust myself to respond to this situation correctly. I need the feedback of my betters, here. I need the support of my girls. I'm feeling very, very feeble and weak. Even typing this has sprung the waterworks -- sobs and snot out the wazoo. I'm not even angry at X for responding the way he did; he is ignorant to our ways and didn't know any better. He didn't ask to see me or restart the A, but I opened the door and he came crashing through it like a bull in a china shop.
help me.
dee

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hey dee :)
Please please please dont contact him. The feelings you feel after that will be whole lot worse than you are feeling now. You are going to send yourself back to square one and all of the past 7 months of healing will have been for nothing. I know you probably feel sorry for him but this is exactly what he wants. If he felt cared about your feelings
Of course he misses you. He had a woman who gave up her self respect and dignity to please him. A woman who would hide out and make herself available to service him whenever he wanted it. A woman who put him before her. Who wouldn't miss that? What man
Dearest Dee,
I am so sorry that this has happened. I know you've faced many triggers as of late and this is the last thing that you needed. Ugh. What a jerk.
I know he doesn't know our rules, but he does know what he is doing- he needs some validation, he needs that high, he needs to know that you miss him and are miserable. Well Dee, you are NOT miserable. You have grown so much in the past 7 months and I know that you don't want to give that up.
It sucks that he is sad, but it sucks that you are sad too and responding to him will only take you back several steps. You are one of the strong voices here. You know our rules. You know what NC has done for you. Please, do not break NC no matter how much you want to. You are not being rude by not responding- you are protecting YOU, because YOU are what is important here.
At the very least, consider following my 48-hour rule: Do nothing for 48 hours. I guarantee once you work through all of these emotions, in 48 hours you will be glad that you were patient, allowed yourself to work through this and did NOT respond.
Big hugs to you today, Dee.
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Dee,
I completely agree with
WOW!
Dear Dee,
Trust me, I know how you are feeling. I am in LC with my xAP, and this means almost daily interactions with him via email. No matter how professional I try to keep it, he lets me know he is hurting all the time. He now even includes personal information in group emails about how we've not had contact ... I KNOW he is hurting. It's all I hear from those around me - have you seen so & so? He looks awful, sick, depressed. Are you worried about him?! I know that he can't understand what has happened, that he doesn't know the "why". But that's his choice. He hasn't gone to therapy, isn't hanging out on this board - he is choosing to stay stuck. He choose to stay M when I was clear that that would mean No Contact. HE KNEW THE CONSEQUENCE. Just as you xAP did. It sucks that they are hurting - but worse, it sucks that they think we should do something about it. Like, wtf?! Where were you all those many many times that I was hurting and so lonely I thought I was gonna die - and you KNEW it. Oh right, you were home with your family. Feeding me lines of "if I could, you gotta know I would ..." BS!!!
He's triggering the enabler in you Dee - the rescuer that needs to feel validated by caring for someone else rather than yourself. You are so so past that Dee.
Don't go looking for the clown.
If you want to acknowledge the email, then simply re-state the original email, and ignore the rest - the 'poor me ... look how bad my life sucks' routine. Screw him - look what you have been through! He's making choices too - choices to stay an a$$
NOPE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU TO RELAPSE!!!
Please stay strong - be there waiting for me as a supertweener.
Vent, cry, rage - whatever you need to do - do it here! This will past. This HUGE wave will pass - and you're gonna be so happy.
Please check-in when you can.
Much love DEE,
TU.
Edited 5/6/2010 11:51 am ET by transcendingus
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Dee,
What first came to my mind was, "What a jerk!" What behooves me is that the same thing should have crossed
~Iddy~
Dee,
I am so sorry this happened. I hate fishing attempts. And although you contacted him with business, he came back at you with personal stuff.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
I'm gonna take the selfish approach here Dee and beg you to stay strong with NC. There are so many of us that need strong ladies like you to lead the way and show us how it's done even in the toughest of times. It's so tempting, I know first hand. And I also know that it leads to NOWHERE!!! Except a deeper heartache, a deeper longing, even worse than ending the very first time. You can do it Dee. You are on my mind constantly right now, hang in there babe.
Love, AAI
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