NC to LC , not good. help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
NC to LC , not good. help.
28
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 9:41am

Five minutes before I was to leave the office last night, boss comes to me with a request for a personal favor. Will I contact my "good friend" (xAP) to secure his band for Boss' best friend's wife's 40th birthday party in two months. I told him I would be happy to contact X's management to do this and he responded that he'd like me to "really try to make this happen" and to also personally ask X. Me... turning all shades of red before the blood left my head and I felt faint. So, email to X was 100% business. Not even a "Dear Jam," in it -- just explained that my boss requested this personal favor and would he please see if it was possible and have his management contact Boss' friend to make any further arrangements. The email I found in my box this morning was devastating. X responded very personally. A huge, heartfelt apology for the hurt he caused - a run down of all the happenings in his life over the past six months - a detailed description of how he's not 'moved on' though he's "trying like crazy" and how he mourns the loss of our R and friendship, and that he feels like his "heart has died". He mentioned the two accidental run-ins we've had and that seeing me and the cool reception I gave him tells him that I am over him and "he felt like crumbling into pieces" after. He said he cried in his car, filled with regret and loss. He asked me very specific questions about my life, like "did you get that X project?" "how is the new house?" and "did DD do so-n-so and how was it?" Oh, and he forgot to mention a single word about playing the private gig. OMFG. The email was written at 2am, so he was probably two or three bourbons loosened up - otherwise I think he'd have been WAY more reticent.

NC, right? Don't respond at all, right? Ok. I am soooooo ripped up right now. Many, many tender and warm feelings for xAP -- hurting and empathizing with his struggle - wanting to 'fix' him or help him or whatever - not wanting to make him hurt worse by ignoring his heartfelt apology - the temptation to write back is OVERWHELMING. Even if it's just to acknowledge the email and give him the advice of NC=no new hurts. I am so NOT bulletproof. I am not 'indifferent' yet, and even if I were indifferent to xAP, I can't be indifferent to the suffering he's feeling, irrespective of any feelings I still have/had for him.

Even close to 7 months out, I do not trust myself to respond to this situation correctly. I need the feedback of my betters, here. I need the support of my girls. I'm feeling very, very feeble and weak. Even typing this has sprung the waterworks -- sobs and snot out the wazoo. I'm not even angry at X for responding the way he did; he is ignorant to our ways and didn't know any better. He didn't ask to see me or restart the A, but I opened the door and he came crashing through it like a bull in a china shop.

help me.

dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 1:52pm

Oh Dee.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 1:54pm

Dee,


Can't imagine your turmoil right now, but I'm here hurting for you, too. This has got to be the WORST thing to happen in 7 months. But you are one tough chick (even though you probably don't feel that way at the moment)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 2:33pm

Dee you are getting some great advice here.

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 12:07pm

Hey Dee,

I've been watching the board waiting for you to check-in. You okay? Regardless of what you've been struggling through - please know you can share it all here. It's okay that you're feeling confused and all stirred up inside. Just don't struggle alone okay? I for one don't feel like there is anything you could share that would have me judge you. You are where you are ... Please let us be here for you,

((Hugs))

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 12:37pm

Dee!!! No matter what- we love you and are here for you. Please post back and let us know you are ok. You have been such an angel to me, and I need you here. :)


((HUGS)) and lots of love,


Hazel

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 12:45pm

Hello, all my lovely friends-
Here's the update: I took yesterday off of work to take my niece and mother-in-law shopping for Niece's wedding dress. What a day! I got to read about three or four replies to this post before I signed off and then I stayed off of the computer for the rest of the day. I deleted X's email, as Gal advised - and I was thankful to be reminded to wait 48 hours before doing anything. I tell you what, that 48 hour rule of Jane's is the bomb. What a life saver! I have decided to not respond to X's email, not even in a professional capacity, and to tell my boss that I've done what he asked and leave it at that.

Here is what I'm feeling/thinking:
I still don't think that X was being a jerk, but I do agree that he was being foolish and selfish to dump all that on me when he knows that I, too, am dealing with feelings like his and his disclosure would stir up painful emotions and confusion. STILL, what he was thinking, how is is feeling, or how he behaves is no concern of mine. I don't have to hate him or be angry with him in order to be motivated to stay on track -- because, I'm staying on track for ME; my needs and wants, alone, are enough to keep me moving forward. I am not being mean or unfeeling to let him deal with his life without my help. As TU said, his plea triggered the enabler in me and acknowledging that he triggered a very deep seated trait of mine (the healer, the fixer, the mother to all) has helped me realize that the gut-response I had to his email was about that part of my make up, and not really about him so much.

I am very, very thankful that I can come to this board for support when I'm struggling - and I can feel safe, loved and supported even when I'm weak and needy. I am held accountable, not coddled. I am reminded that I have people here who need me, and I need them. I feel genuinely loved and cared about -- which opens my eyes that I am loved, needed, and cared about off of this board, as well, and that I HAVE to keep myself moving forward, love myself also, to be able to give _and_ get all of life's many blessings.

I am feeling really STRONG right now. I am borrowing it from all of you. Thank you!!!

Oozing love like crazy for all of you wonderful women.
xo
Dee

(PS - the dress we picked is gorgeous!!! I lost 5 lbs already. I drank a little bourbon last night, but didn't get ripped (thank gawd). And I'm almost done weaning off the paxil!! whoo-hoo)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 12:48pm

DEE!!!

WOOHOO! I am throwing you a party right here in my seat. I am so proud of you. That was a very difficult email to ignore, but you did it! You are one of the strongest women I know. Your strength and determination makes me believe that I can do this too.


BRAVO!!!!!!


Hazel

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 12:52pm

AWWW! Hazel and TU! You sweetie pateeties!!! Kisses and Hugs to you both. Darlings! As I just posted, I stayed off my computer yesterday. Engineered a really busy day to keep my mind off of the situation. Jane's 48 hour Rule in action!

Hazel, you see how it feels, Honeypot, when a member in crisis goes MIA?? Huh? do you see that? We were all worried like crazy about you before! I'm so glad you're back and posting. Really cheering for you and your H and think that it's all going to work out for the best!! Can't wait to see how you rock this whole new 100% honest policy and set the path for those coming up behind you.

xxl xo's
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 12:55pm

Lol Dee, yes I see now how it feels! LOL! I am so sorry i left you guys hanging :) Thank you for the words of encouragement. I am excited about starting over with my H and thrilled that he has decided to stay. It's not going to be easy, but I think it's worth fighting for. It feels amazing to be able to be who I am, be 100% honest, and still be loved. :)


Dee, again, thank you so much girl. You and the other ladies here have helped me so much. I am so glad to see that you are still victorious and that you are doing well. You deserve so much in this life and I am cheering you on!!!

Love,


Hazel

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 1:13pm

Dee Dee Dee,


Happy, happy to hear from

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida