NC to LC , not good. help.
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| Thu, 05-06-2010 - 9:41am |
Five minutes before I was to leave the office last night, boss comes to me with a request for a personal favor. Will I contact my "good friend" (xAP) to secure his band for Boss' best friend's wife's 40th birthday party in two months. I told him I would be happy to contact X's management to do this and he responded that he'd like me to "really try to make this happen" and to also personally ask X. Me... turning all shades of red before the blood left my head and I felt faint. So, email to X was 100% business. Not even a "Dear Jam," in it -- just explained that my boss requested this personal favor and would he please see if it was possible and have his management contact Boss' friend to make any further arrangements. The email I found in my box this morning was devastating. X responded very personally. A huge, heartfelt apology for the hurt he caused - a run down of all the happenings in his life over the past six months - a detailed description of how he's not 'moved on' though he's "trying like crazy" and how he mourns the loss of our R and friendship, and that he feels like his "heart has died". He mentioned the two accidental run-ins we've had and that seeing me and the cool reception I gave him tells him that I am over him and "he felt like crumbling into pieces" after. He said he cried in his car, filled with regret and loss. He asked me very specific questions about my life, like "did you get that X project?" "how is the new house?" and "did DD do so-n-so and how was it?" Oh, and he forgot to mention a single word about playing the private gig. OMFG. The email was written at 2am, so he was probably two or three bourbons loosened up - otherwise I think he'd have been WAY more reticent.
NC, right? Don't respond at all, right? Ok. I am soooooo ripped up right now. Many, many tender and warm feelings for xAP -- hurting and empathizing with his struggle - wanting to 'fix' him or help him or whatever - not wanting to make him hurt worse by ignoring his heartfelt apology - the temptation to write back is OVERWHELMING. Even if it's just to acknowledge the email and give him the advice of NC=no new hurts. I am so NOT bulletproof. I am not 'indifferent' yet, and even if I were indifferent to xAP, I can't be indifferent to the suffering he's feeling, irrespective of any feelings I still have/had for him.
Even close to 7 months out, I do not trust myself to respond to this situation correctly. I need the feedback of my betters, here. I need the support of my girls. I'm feeling very, very feeble and weak. Even typing this has sprung the waterworks -- sobs and snot out the wazoo. I'm not even angry at X for responding the way he did; he is ignorant to our ways and didn't know any better. He didn't ask to see me or restart the A, but I opened the door and he came crashing through it like a bull in a china shop.
help me.
dee

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Wahoo! This calls for a party for sure. And you know what you did, Dee? By NOT responding and coming back here to post about it, you've shown others that it can be done. Now they can follow in your footsteps to healing. You did that not only for yourself, but for all of us here who need to see that strength really does pay huge dividends.
Thanks for checking in Dee.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
I don't have to hate him or be angry with him in order to be motivated to stay on track -- because, I'm staying on track for ME; my needs and wants, alone, are enough to keep me moving forward.
Drum roll please, because
Edited 5/7/2010 2:48 pm ET by sillyme12000
Girl, you absolutely ROCK! I am so very proud of you as all of us are. You made us sweat a little, but I don't know one woman who doesn't
~Iddy~
Just wanted to say Congratulations Dee on passing one huge test!
Gee, everyone!! Thanks sooo much. I AM proud of myself, but maybe not all that much. I'm still a little embarrassed to have had a wobbly so late in the game. I _almost_ didn't share it because I thought it might scare the children (newbies) -- but then I figured it's better to keep it for reals, ykwim? I NEEDED my board, and, hopefully, my wobbly and subsequent recovery will prove inspirational to someone coming up the road. None of us are perfect; nor do we need to be --but we're trying and that's all that matters.
Hey, I'd be doing the happy chair dance along with the rest of you, for sure, but my Spanks are already rollin' and so.... yeah, keeping the dancing to a minimum.
Singing "I am Beautiful" in my head at top volume (11!)
Cheers,
Dee
Dee you are amazing and inspiring to this (not so new) newbie!
I still have lots of little fears about wobbling - not wanting to let anyone down - ykwim?
I never want to feel (again) like I am 'too proud to post'.
TpTp.
Your keeping it real, will help me keep it real.
Spanx on.
TU.
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
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