NC is not possible-now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
NC is not possible-now what?
16
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 6:00pm

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Edited 2/15/2005 2:56 pm ET ET by iris304

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 10:07pm
Iris

If you have to go to the party stick to your hubby like glue and excuse yourself early and go home for some reason or other.

I expect his wife will not mind if you stay away from he husband and will be keeping an eye on him anyway just to make sure.

You may want to say away from the drink as well just so you don't slip and say anything you will regret.

You can recover from this, the first step may have to be really finding out way you let it happen in the first place.

Peace

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 10:13pm
OMG Iris- I can't tell you how many times I've said "I miss my simple life" when I thought issues like "where am I gonna go for the weekend" were BIG issues! It's so wild to hear someone ELSE say it cause people on the outside do NOT get how complicated life seems from inside this affair bubble!

Sorry I don't have any sound advice for you - but I'm gonna be thinking about you and hoping somehow it will get easier!?

God's best to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 7:42pm

Thanks Free and Idesma. I really appreciate the support at this point. I think about my life a year ago and you're right Idesma, my biggest worry was if the kids had done their homework or what we were having for dinner. I haven't felt this much heartache since my boyfriend dumped me in high school when I was 17. That was much easier since we went our separate ways after graduation and I never saw him again. Having to see XMM brings out all kinds of feelings and you have to act like everything is wonderful with family and friends. If you break down or get angry, you have to blame it on something else.

Thanks again for listening.




Edited 2/15/2005 2:58 pm ET ET by iris304
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 9:14pm
WOW! Iris...your posts could have been written by me! I'm in exactly the same situation as you are with a neighbor. Our A has been going on for almost 7 yrs. Our kids are growing up together. We too bacame friends because of promimity and then allowed our friendship to turn into this emotionally and physicaly intense A.

It's only been a couple of weeks since I told him it was over. Of course, over the years I've told him that same thing a number of times but I always go back to him. So this time, he didn't believe me and kept calling and emailing. I sent him an email on Monday and told him to leave me alone. So far he has - but it's only been 2 days!

So...same situation...the block party coming up next Monday. Not looking forward to seeing him there and having all those feelings rushing up to hit me again and trying to stay in control - but by the same token, I can't wait, because I haven't seen him in a while and I miss him like crazy.

I know I am weak where he is concerned, so I won't spend too much time at the party. I expect I'll make small talk with him and his W then wander away from them - and stay away!


Today I had an "Ah-Ha" moment while reading a magazine article. It said:

"Ask yourself..'Why Am I So Angry?' (or sad/resentful/etc, fill in least favorite emotion here)?' Then, when you think about your answer, you realize that you are angry at yourself for what you did or didn't, will or won't, do/say/think. When you recognize that you are the problem, you can do something about it. And when you adjust your behaviour, things change around you and the anger goes away."

Lots of luck at your party. Just remember, you have allies here, where you can always come to vent or chat.

:-) Neighbor

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 9:15pm
Iris

If you and hubby invest the time and effort in each other as a man and woman and not just parents and problems solvers you both can enjoy that falling in love again feeling with each other, and if your like most women your only going to want to share that with one man at a time.

Do what ever you have to to make time for each other and only each other as often as possible, they made grandparents and baby siters for a reason.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 8:23am
...


Edited 2/15/2005 3:00 pm ET ET by iris304
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 8:51am
iris304 - I am in no position to give any NC advice at this point because I know how difficult it is - I am trying desperately to end my A too. I have been married 13 years and have two children. I love my husband, we have dates and do things as a couple. I have been in my A for just over two years. I feel that since the inception of my A my behavior has changed noticeably yet my H seems blind to it all! The A has intense passion, pain and yet pleasure - what intensity - it makes you feel alive and young again. You mentioned not feeling this longing since high school I too must agree with that. My A brought back familiar feelings of my first and only love (besides my husband) who ended our relationship and it was this old boyfriend who cheated on me.

My H is a steady eddy kind-a-guy. A wonderful man but I need the intensity that our relationship just cannot capture anymore no matter how many alone dates with no kids we have. For example, we talk about having passionate sex outside on our hammock in the dark yet neither of us seem motivated enough to actually do it and even if we did I am sure my attitude toward him would not be as "I want you sooo much" like it is with my MM. Silly, I know. I am in my mid-thirties and figure I am going through a mid-life crisis. I am hoping I will grow out of this and continue to work on myself.

Lots of luck to you. It is so great to know other women are sharing these issues that our society still will not accept. When women have A we are viewed as man poachers, jezabells (sp?) and horrible things yet we are caring mothers, sisters, wives and daughters who are just trying to find our way through these confusing situations.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 6:01pm
Iris, to answer your question - I decided to break up with MM a couple of weeks ago, after I called his house and his W answered the phone. After a brief conversation with her, she handed him the phone, saying "Honey (she used his pet name) dear, it's for you sweetie". So then I start wondering...why, if their marriage is supposed to be so miserable, are they both still in bed together at 10:30 on a Sunday morning and she's using these endearments? I saw him later that day and he told me they'd been out the night before for dinner and had a quite few drinks then walked along the beach and they were sleeping it off the next morning. But for some reason, that image of them in bed on Sunday morning really cut into me.(See my post 'cuts like a knife')

So I told him I couldn't stand to live with so many lies anymore and we had to stop this behavior. Over the years, I've told him the same thing a number of times but we've always come back together again. But this time I'm going to try and be strong and stay away from him.

Being in such close proximity to each other's families, I'm surprised no-one has confronted us yet. I'm sure both his W and my H have been suspicious from time to time and he has a college-age daughter who definitely suspects us. That's another reason why we must stop living like this. I hope that he and I can realize together the future we have planned for ourselves but I'm not going to spend the best part of the next decade (until after all our kids graduate HS) living so dangerously. We've been lucky so far but there's always a possibility we'll get caught and then so many other lives will be completely ruined. I don't want that to happen.

Enjoy your weekend and have fun at the party. I'll let you know how mine turns out too.

:-) Neighborly

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 8:49pm
Neighborly,

I'd like to see your post on 'cuts like a knife' but can't find it. Can you tell me the date to look it up.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 1:25pm
I forgot - that post was on the Redbook board. Here's the link...

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rbaffair2&msg=1514.1&ctx=128

If that doesn't work, go to the iVillage-Rebook-My Affair Board. The post was dated 8/16.

:-) Neighbor

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