NC Pep Rally

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
NC Pep Rally
5
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 5:35pm
Ladies, I need your help! With all of the people on this board who have been contacting their XOMs this week -- I have to admit to feeling a teensy bit tempted to do the same. I spent way too much time composing an emotional note to him today. I won't send it, this is something I just do periodically as some wacko self-therapy. But still, I think I need a big pep talk on the plusses of not breaking the No Contact policy!! (And please, no one take this as a slam on those of you who did break NC, I don't mean it that way at all!!!)

Here are a few of *my* reasons, please add your own!

1. Don't want to start this whole process over again. I've come so far. Opening the door again will lead right back into that cycle of pain.

2. Don't want to make him think I'm pathetic; let HIM be the one who eventually caves, not me! ;-)

3. I know I'd be angry at myself afterward. There really is nothing left for XMM & I to say to one another that would give me any closure. Sometimes it would be nice to vent some of my frustrations out on him, but he was always honest with me and I really don't have any questions about his feelings or anything beyond "Why can't you be more of a psycho, like me? How can you be so strong about this?" ;-)

4. Don't want a reason to be even more obsessive about checking my email for a message from him!

5. I really have NO DESIRE to go back to the A, and we know from experience that trying to be friends does not work, so what is the point???


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: maybekatie
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 9:15pm

Katie, do you want my reasons for not contacting GB, my XMM? There is a small list.



  1. I value my pride more than that. I have grown since our affair has been over and I do not want to go backwards!

  2. I have no real use for him in my life.

  3. I have listened to enough of his lies (about 12 years of them, off and on).

  4. And, one of the biggest and best reasons to not contact him, I do not want to ruin what Sean and I have worked so hard for. His trust in me has not returned in full but I don't want to blow what we've got.

  5. GB is not worth the .25 to make the phone call, the cost of a postage stamp to mail him a card or letter. GB is not worth even expending the energy to type out a message for email!

  6. I am better without him than I ever was with him.

Yeah, that should do it.

~Chris~<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
In reply to: maybekatie
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 9:28pm
MaybeKatie,

Gosh you've listed all of the reasons I would have given you not to contact XMM. (Even though I am one of those that contacted mine.) I would have supported your contacted if there was a potential for the two of you to be friends. But since there isn't, you're right there really is no point and you don't need the closure. Also since you have no desire to return to the A that makes it even more of a case for you NOT to do it. Because you would just be putting yourself back in the same situation that you've worked hard to get out of and feel better from. So I'm glad that you are being strong enough not to. You seem to need a way to get your frustrations out. I have a couple of suggestions that I'm trying:

1) Journaling. I keep a journal every day, especially on my bad days because it seems to help me write my feelings out to myself, and then I don't feel the need to write to XMM. (Although that doesn't always work, hence my note to him today.)

2) Punching bag. Ever consider getting one? I am considering getting one for myself for overall tension and stress. I've used one before (and actually fantasized that I was hitting something OTHER than the bag...LOL) and it was a great relief.

3) These boards. But you already know that! These boards have been a savior to me these past few days when I've felt as low as I think I ever have. They help me reason with myself, and not feel so alone during these hard times.

I think you are doing a great job.....congrats to you for being so strong AND for recognizing the reasons for not doing something that could be harmful to your good attitude!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to: maybekatie
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 11:17pm
Stick with it girl! NC was the only thing that finally broke me of the addiction to the affair. I tried to end it & "stay friends" for 2 years before I finally got mad enough (with myself and him), sick of it enough & ready enough for a real WHOLE life.

Even when I KNEW I was ready and worked for MONTHS to get to that place, I had lingering feelings & desire to connect with him for several more months. Even after I started a wonderful relationship with a single guy (I'm single), I still kept thinking about my MM. like you I KNEW I never ever wanted to go back, but he was my "best friend" and the person I talked to every single day for 3 years. I missed him alot.

In a way, it was lucky that he kind of stalked me so I knew I could not call him or do anything to encourage him. I finally told him I'd call the police if he ever showed up at my home or office again. That did it. It was still a few more months before I stopped having pangs of wanting to call. I resisted and now, over a year free of the affair, I'm SO very glad I didn't.

My life from the first day after I ended it has only gotten better. I don't think I could have done it without seeing a therapist, reading & posting here, reading books & articles and being encouraged by my friends. My new guy after the affair is still my boyfriend & though a REAL relationship is harder than the FAKE, sick, manipulative romance that the affair was, it's work that pays off every day. I'm learning what a REAL friend and lover is, not someone who's hiding from HIS real life in an affair.

Good luck. Stick with NC. It takes time but it works. You WILL be free of this. Your life will get better -- believe it!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
In reply to: maybekatie
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 8:22am
Woohoo, foolnomore, now THAT's what I'm talking 'bout! ;-) Exactly what I needed to hear.

I know exactly where this little urge is coming from -- I know that XMM is working on getting a job about 800 miles away. I keep waiting to hear some word that he is moving -- either from him or thru the grapevine. It is hard to go from 5 years of knowing *everything* about someone, to not knowing what is going on in his life at all. I know there is no reason I should care -- but the fact is, I know that if I get that news from a third party instead of from him, it will hurt.

Anyway -- it's better today. I'm going away with my H for the weekend to see some great old friends, and I'm really looking forward to it. It will be just the medicine I need, I think! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: maybekatie
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 1:31pm
Hey Maybekatie! I'm with you all the way! I think the biggest part of what makes us want to break NC is the "thinking." Clarice posted about turning negative thoughts into positive ones, and I am a big believer in that. So if you THINK about calling XMM you are creating negativity in your life. BUT if you think about not wanting or needing to call him, you're creating a positive thought. The difference is pretty subtle. If you think about something and then have to remind yourself, oh wait, I can't do that, you're creating a negative energy. But if you proudly say, hey, I don't need or want to do that, you're creating a positive energy. So I think just that minor adjustment in thinking will help alot.

One of the other tactics I always use is what my sponsor calls "playing the tape forward." Sure, when we get the good idea to contact our XMM, we're thinking of the positive feelings we want that act to generate. But we've got to play the tape forward realistically. Will the outcome be all we want? Won't we feel guilty afterward? Will we feel pathetic and weak? Unless we are pretty certain the contact will result in us feeling 100% better than we did, there is no good reason to act. So when it seems like a good idea to me to contact XMM, I remember all the conversations we had where he was pretty unable to understand what the heck I was talking about (in my past posts I've mentioned that our intellectual incompatibility was one of the biggest downfalls in our relationship), the guilt I felt from sneaking around, how happy I am rebuilding my marriage, etc., and these thoughts work. These thoughts gently nudge the idea of contacting XMM out of my mind and replace it with thoughts of why I don't WANT to contact him.

One last thing: I'm in recovery from alcohol and substance addiction and we tell ourselves that we're not going to take any mind or mood altering substances JUST FOR TODAY. If we feel like we really have to take them, we will tomorrow. Then we employ all of our "tools" to get through the feeling of uncomfortability that not using drugs brings for us. So, you can always tell yourself that you're not going to contact XMM TODAY, but if you really need to contact him, you will do that tomorrow. Then use whatever tactic to have to distract the thoughts until the impulse passes. THIS WORKS. (I was in recovery for about 2 months before I understood that "tomorrow" never comes - shows you what kind of shape the drugs and alcohol left my mind in!!!!)

Hang in there. Every day I get the urge to call XMM and every day I tell myself I don't want to do that. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10