NC reset for Grandma

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
NC reset for Grandma
24
Tue, 12-21-2010 - 10:18pm

Alright - some of you may know I referenced that X(barf)ap showed up bearing frankencense & myrrhe for the Baby!

I could have averted my steps to AVOID any contact, but I did NOT. I spoke with him. Im not going to make an excuse or justify it

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Wed, 12-22-2010 - 7:34pm
Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Wed, 12-22-2010 - 8:02pm
Dear NewLife,

I've just read your thread, and I wanted to chime in to say "yes" you're so on the right path. Everything you wrote resonated with me, and the (non)feelings I had the second last time I saw my xAP. He attended a very special event in my life - uninvited. His presence could have totally wrecked my presentation ... I hadn't seen him in months but it was public knowledge that I would be where I was that night so this was the perfect opportunity for him to 'find' me.

I had to spend 2 hours presenting with him 5 feet away from me and I just kept thinking how totally selfish it was of him to show up, to not care AT ALL how that might have impacted on me. I left that presentation (which i totally rocked btw) with a totally new perception of him.

I could see him at STUCK and UNwell. I could see him for the scared, self-loathing person he was almost 6 months prior when I went NC. He was STILL where I had left off.

Ya - He "got to" keep the family (because W never kicked him out, nor hasn't found out about the relentless post Dday fishing), the career and the mutual friends. He gets the privileges that come from the career advancements he will get on the back of MY work ... BUT I GOT TO EARN BACK SELF-RESPECT, INTEGRITY, DIGNITY.

THOSE things are priceless.

There are still moments when I relish in the knowledge that he yearns for the ego-strokes I provided, and so I know I am not at indifference ... but I don't need to be yet. I don't need to ACHIEVE healing ... I just need to keep working at it. I don't expect to one day have no feelings for xAP ... he was apart of my life for a significant amount of time and my life is forever changed by the relationship I chose to have with him - BUT I am learning how to think differently about him and that relationship, and know now that it had everything to do about my own internal demons and not anything to do with JAM.

He was just the opportunity to expose those demons - he wasn't the cause.

Much Love,

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Wed, 12-22-2010 - 8:14pm
Hi Michelle,

I never thought of it like that, the no feeling feeling. Once I read it though I could relate! What I have been feeling is my issues and navigating around who I really am. I know I must work hard to not repeat my past behaviors and at the same time I need to make a stand of accepting myself. Thank you for the no feeling feeling thought, it really opened my own thoughts up to where I am at in what I am feeling:) Have an amazing and peaceful holiday season Michelle you deserve it as well. You are going to have an amazing Christmas with your beautiful granddaughter<3
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Thu, 12-23-2010 - 1:34am

Thank you, TU!!!

Thank you for the feedback!!! So Important for me to hear!!!!

And of COURSE you totally rocked your presentation!!!! Brass Kohonas!!!! :)

Stuck and unwell...yes EXACTLY!

Its almost like, WE do the work & mature, grow, move on...and they're still just STUCK in the same - Selfish, gimme, cake needing triangulation. Yet, we realize that we got away - and he'll pretty much take ANYONE to FILL THAT HOLE of his. That emptiness. And maybe thats a bit of projection too. I mean, honestly, I sought the same "FILLING" from him...

You are absolutely correct about the spoils of war....the superficial images that get to remain in tact

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010

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