NC is so tough

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2012
NC is so tough
13
Sun, 01-12-2014 - 3:29pm

I'm trying so hard but this is so horribly painful. i know NC is the right thing but I'm fighting my heart righf now that wants to contact xAP. truthfully I do want to know he's suffering and can't stop thinking about me as much as I can't stop thinking of him, wondering what he's doing. Although all I read about A love being a fantasy and addiction, part of me yearns for that. There's something endearing knowing someone is thinking of you whether you're together or not, misses you. After ten years of M that just goes away and that heart pounding excitement, butterflies was a great feeling. 

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Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sun, 01-12-2014 - 5:55pm

Spoken like a true addict...btdt.  So I get it...I really do.  Wanting something that is so harmful to our wellbeing.  Btw, congratulations for the NC you've maintained thus far...because NC is HARD.  Kudos for you for staying the course.

It's what you do with your time is what will make the difference in how quickly you recover.  If you are just sitting around whiteknuckling it, agonizing and still pining for that which is not yours to have, then you are just spinning your wheels and not moving forward.  You need to start moving forward and away, and that starts with taking the real hard look at yourself and your behavior.  I know that is hard to hear, but we are totally misbehaving when we crap all over our vows, our spouses, our children and ourselves.  We need to get to the bottom of why we think this is okay...because it's not okay. That is, unless our vows included ''to have and to hold...until I've lost that loving feeling and get to step outside our marriage..."  We are not children who believe they are entitlted to take anything they want. We are adults who got lost along the way and don't take the word 'commitment' seriously.  

In most all addiction programs, along with putting down the substance, comes the Step Program...meant to take a fearless inventory of one's self.  It's the same going NC.  Starting the process of taking a fearless inventory of one's self

About whether he is suffering or not?  Not your concern.  That's just your ego talking.  So what if he is suffering or not.  If it helps you to feel better, think that he is. He's probably suffering thinking this affair could be found out eventually, like everyone who's had an affair, who snap out of it and then live with the nagging fear that they could be found out.

Stay the course, Time.  Try to become more involved in activities that give you a sense of accomplishment to feel good about yourself.  

He is not all that and more...please do not make your happiness dependent upon this one man.  We create our own happiness.  Do whatever it takes to regain your self esteem and make for your own happiness.  Like they say, 'grow your own garden.'

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2012
Sun, 01-12-2014 - 7:14pm

This is my third attempt at responding. Third times a charm right? As always, thank you for the reality check Clarity. I am proud of myself for NC but seems everyday is a different issue I deal with. Today it seems unfair that although we are.both M and shared the same conversations, moments, etc that he can just walk out and move on and I suffer.

I have a lot to work on I know and it's so sad to me that given my M and beautiful child, my life seems borinv without a multitude of texts from xAP asking what I'm up to or telling me he misses me. I recognize the sadness ans selfishness in it, yet can't pull myself out of it.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sun, 01-12-2014 - 8:07pm

I'm sorry the Board is behaving temperamentally.  I'm glad you got through :)

Listen, you're doing pretty well.  You are keeping NC...that is our only one guarantee to put this behind us.  You are coming here to talk it out and get support...good good good.  Now, what else are you doing to occupy your time and thoughts?  It's important to find other things.  I hope you are reading through our Healing Library and that you have checked out the Baggage Reclaim.  When you are reading, you are learning and gaining strength and courage...and sometimes before you know it, time has gone by...and it's another NC notch under your belt.

I know we all tend to wallow, so here's the deal.  Set aside some time...say around 30 minutes...where you get to wallow.  Then that's it, go about your day.  

I know, too, that it seems that one affair partner 'appears' to get away unscathed emotionally.  That might be true...or it might not be true.  You don't know what's going on with him.  But the one who invested the most seems to struggle the most. Someone once said 'never give away more than you can afford to lose.'...something like that.  We women tend to give it all away, drop everything and totally lose ourselves to an affair.  Men...not so much. They still take care of business in their 'real' life...perhaps that's why it's not such a void to be filled when it ends.  That's just my theory :)  But I DO KNOW that men do not drop everything.  If they are interested, they make room.

You have to take good care of yourself right now.  Pamper yourself...I know you know how to do that, right? :)  Eat right, sleep right, drink plenty of fluids to replenish any tears, stay away from alcohol...and play with that beautiful child of yours.   Reconnect with friends.  Get out in the fresh air.  Sometimes we have to force ourselves to do these things. Make a gratitude list.  List out all you have for which to be grateful...even if, right now, it is for the smallest thing...like that one small packet of ketchup you found in the refrigerator after buying a large fries.  Stay in the present.  Keep your eyes forward.  I'm finding that a little tricky right now, myself, having left a 10-year relationship, but when I find myself looking backward, I say "STOP!" outloud and reconnect with the present...you can say that to yourself if you are in the presence of others :) 

If you can, keep a journal. There's nothing better than getting things down on paper and out of you.  Just don't keep it lying around for someone to happen upon.  If that is a possibility, right it out on paper (or on your computer and keep in draft folder) and then burn it into the Universe.  You can say anything in a journal.  Write down your fears; like, "What is the worse that is going to happen to me without the JAM in my life?." And then write out the answer.  Sometimes when we right down our fears, see them in black and white...for what they are, they are dispelled. Just like that monster under the bed.  When we muster strength to look under the bed, the monster is not there...he was only in our head.

You have to work hard at this, Time. There is no magic pill...no magic wand I can wave. There is pain because it wasn't right. When things are right...when love is right, there is no pain or angst. 

You are embarking upon a journey.  It is not sprint, and it's going to take time.  And you can feel whatever you are feeling...there are no right and wrong feelings, but you just don't have to act on them. It's best to embrace them to get through them.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 01-13-2014 - 1:58am

After 10 years of marriage, nothing goes away, unless you're allowing it to go away.  It's not finished when you say "I Do"......it's just the beginning, and you don't just go about your life without working on it and at it.  You cared for him when you married him, so learn to care for him again.......be romantic, talk to each other, CARE about each other......and you won't need an affair......

If he won't show you the affection that you crave, then maybe it's time for a divorce, and then you can look for a real man, one that will love and respect you....and make you happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 01-13-2014 - 11:34am

As someone who's been divorced twice (once was my choice, once was not) I do know what you are saying about things not being as exciting after 10 yrs.  You get into a routine and new love (or lust) is always more exciting just like new clothes would be more exciting than your old coat.  But let me tell you that being single is no picnic either.  I would not go back to my 2nd DH for anything because it was a bad marriage (that's the one I ended) but having to do everything alone and not having someone to help you out when you need it or need someone to talk to or just knowing that someone does care about you is tough sometimes.  Now think about your DH--maybe he's not the most exciting guy in the world, but if you had an affair, then you probably weren't putting any effort into your relationship with him either, right?  Do you think that your DH loves you?  Do you still love him?  If both of those things are true, then if you start putting effort into your relationship with him, then it might be more exciting.  Just be glad that he didn't find out about the affair and you're not going through a divorce--or if you feel that your marriage is that bad, then you could actually get a divorce and maybe find someone better--or maybe not. so you have to decide whether your marriage is so bad that it would be better to be alone than be married to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2014
Thu, 01-16-2014 - 4:07pm

I am right there with you... This last week alone I've stopped myself more times than I could count. Hurting like crazy, wanting those good feelings back, wanting to reach out. And knowing that if I do, he'll give me what I want- he'll tell me he's hurting, that it's been really hard on him too. But hearing that didn't help... I already found that out. In my case it just added frustration and more hurt. What I've been doing if the urge gets really bad is to write out what I want to say, using Word... Write, edit, re-write, think it over... Then close it without saving. And I usually find that it's hard for me to write what I feel like I want to say anyway. It makes me bring sanity back to the equation -reading it, going 'do I really want to tell him that?? Wow, that makes me sound weak', or seeing that those words can give him so much power. By doing it in word and not my email program I'm never tempted to hit send. Its my way of coping anyway. And I am inevitably relieved later that I deleted and didn't send!! 

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Thu, 01-16-2014 - 10:55pm

LOL FixingHelen

Can I relate to being thankful that I did not shoot of that letter in which I either shot of my mouth, sounded whiny and pathetic and needy, or shared my inner most self.

When I shot of mouth, I would have wanted to make contact to give a big fat Jewish apology, or if I sounded shiny and pathetic, I couldn't even stand myownself and so thank goodness he did have to see that; and if I shared my inner most selt, well later, after thinking about, I didn't think he deserved to know.

Our emotions can change in a flash, so placing our writings in a folder, as you are doing, to go back to revise or edit is the best. And I always felt better when I got it down on paper...out of me.  I burned my pages into the Universe.  I'm sure the neighbors were looking out the window, saying to themselves "There's that Clarity again...burning something".  Actually journalling became so therapeutic, sometimes I couldn't get home fast enough to get it all out after it seemed to be all building up throughout the day  And I could write anything, be anything, feel anything...glad, sad, angry, murderous, back to glad, sad...all in the safety of my pages.  And I felt lighter when I was through.

Btw, I love how you and Time are support each other.  It's nice to find someone who's at the same phase of their healing with whom to relate and commiserate.  In AA, they say 'you keep it by giving it away'.

You girls rock!

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2012
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 6:19pm

I thought I rocked until today. I'm having a real hard time today... been fighting the urge to hear his voice and contact him. Right now I'm temped to text him just to say hi, I miss you. i still love him so much. I nees to know he cares.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 6:57pm

MOVE AWAY FROM THE PHONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  DO NOT CONTACT THAT MAN.

Envision is eyeroll when he sees your name come up or hears YOUR voice.  He's going to think you are pathetic.  What's the matter with this woman?  Why can't she move on?  She's still pining for me?  It's a good thing I got out when I did!  

Not that "I" think that...I know how hard it is on this end, but I'm willing to bet he'll think all that. 

MOVE AWAY FROM THE PHONE and post in immediately.

Clairty

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 8:00pm

Take it one hour, and one day at a time.

Nothing is to be gained by any contact, other than having your heart ripped out again.

Someone always gets hurt.  Who is it going to be???

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

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