NC Starts Tomorrow

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
NC Starts Tomorrow
17
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 8:06am

Wish me luck everyone!  I am starting NC tomorrow.....  after some long farewells tonight we have both agreed to trial NC for a month while xAP is on holidays and we will see how we feel in Decemeber and if feelings are the same..decisions will be made!

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Avatar for Sogladitsanewday
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2012
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 8:18am

Hi Tily! That's great that you have made the decision to go NC and it certainly makes things easier the fact that xAP is going on holiday. What helped me in the early days was to think of NC as my gift to myself, setting me free, releasing me from the emotional rollercoaster and allowing me space to get my head straight and re-engage with real life. If that's what you want Tily then that's what you will get, if you stick to it.

Much love, Soglad x o x

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 1:27pm

Tily,

Your post was so brief it left me with lots of questions.

<<we have both agreed to trial NC for a month while xAP is on holidays>>

You say we but was it him asking you not to contact while he is away? Is it because you will have no way to contact him while he is gone? If you do have a way to contact him, did he indicate he couldn’t reply?

<Wish me luck everyone!>

Luck for? Is because you can contact him and you are asking for support to stick to not contacting him? Are you asking for luck in being able to continue NC beyond the 30 days?

<<we will see how we feel in Decemeber and if feelings are the same..decisions will be made>>

As far as feelings go, is it a good idea to base any decisions on feelings alone? Are they are good guide as to base life altering decisions on? Are you going to use any other considerations to make your decision?

What decisions? Whether to continue the A or not? How do you hope to feel in December? How do you hope he feels in December? In other words, what are your goals? What do you hope will change in the 30 days while he is gone?

I also wonder what difference will 30 days make as far as information that you know as facts right now? In 30 days, will he not be M? Because right now the facts based on your post are: He is married. He is on vacation with his W. He has agreed to put you on hold for 30 days while he is off on holiday. You could wait 30 days, you could wait longer but nothing will change the reality of where he will be for the next 30 days, who he will be with for the next 30 days and who he hopes to NOT be contacting.  It can be sugar coated or explained or made excuses for but none of that changes reality…does it?

I would like to support you Tily in your NC but I need some more information to better understand how I can do that.

E1

 

 

 

 

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 1:32pm

Luck???  There is no luck involved here at all. You have a better chance of hitting the lottery.  You are setting your self up for the 'f' word.  FAILURE!!!

Ending an A is about commitment. Your own personal commitment. Commitment to yourself at the very least. Oh, others can set the ending in motion, but if you are going to end it you have to want to and be committed to ending it.

Do you think of your current situation of being married as a "trial" marriage with your spouse? Thats what it must have been when you got married.  You were going to 'try' it, until something better, or worse came along. Right? Trial separations after a DDay have a better chance of working than this.

Your post sounds like it belongs on MAS instead of EAS.

Long, loving, farewells???  What is that.  It's not a farewell unless you mean it to be an ending. 

Vacation?  Is that like a break?  Were you ever going to be in contact, visiting, having sex, anyways while he was gone?  Probably not.  It sounds like he is enjoying time with his wife and family.  Why isn't it with you?

Maybe the time apart will give you time to rethink where you are at and where you going.  Do you have any idea?

Are you hanging onto a fantasy?  A fantasy that this is the real thing?

I believe in love.  I believe that if you love someone you will do whatever it takes to be with them.  Maybe I am selfish, (yes I am) but I think someone worth having an affair with is worth giving everything else up for. Giving up material things, giving up your spouse, your kids if need be. In all cases of an affair, someone is going to get hurt, or be hurt. Who is it going to be.

I know that I don't want it to be me that is hurt.  I want happiness to outweigh the other side. The other side is a bummer.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but you have a long way to go before thinking you have ended it.  You are just vacationing from it.

No Contact is only a tool to ending the Affair.  You haven't done that yet.  You are already planning on getting back together.

I hope you see the light, before it runs over you.  Affairs have a way of doing that.

 

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 4:26pm

Well, I guess it's a start, but really...a trial of NC?...and only because he is going on vacation?  Why that's like a drinker who is going sober only because the liquor stores will be closed for vacation.  There's a big difference in the mindset when ones go NC/sober...knowing they CAN drink once again once those liquor stores come back from vacation (no sweat) vs. going NC/sober for life (hard work with a lot of sweat). And oh boy, one last hurrah today.

No luck involved really...luck for what?

I hope that you use this time of NC to jumpstart the ending process for real and use the time to assess your life and how it effects others around you so that you can arrive at your own conclusion that this relationship...in whatever form...is simply wrong...and you have to leave it behind for good...even at vacations end.

Clarity

Community Leader


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 6:12pm

OK... Yes I can contact him, he is not leaving town, I can call him, email or visit, he lives 7 minutes away but althgouh the physical part of the A ended a while ago we were still chatting often, therefore this is the test for both of us, as we have both broken our LC rules many times.  And yes we have asked each other what it is we want and neither want to continue with the A, its all or nothing.  His W knows of the A and their marriage is not good, mine on the other hand is fine, i am just not "in Love" with my H like i am with my AP.  

So what i hope to achieve after 30 days NC is, I dont know?  I will have to wait and see how i feel, but i know during that time i will work on my relationship with my H, spend quality time together and see if i can rekindle the spark, i will try not to think about my AP and i will make NC with him.  I am not psychic i do not know what will happen in the future only time will tell.  

cheers

Tily x

Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 10:58pm

I like Soglad, had the blessing of "imposed" NC and have space to take a cold hard look at the A situation and come to the conclusion that was right for me.  I used that time to do a lot of journalling, lots of thinking and lots of reading in the HL.  

LC sounds like he!l even for those who do make it work, seems like in your case you and your AP are keeping the atmosphere very emotionally charged, which makes it close to impossible to bust the A fog.  Take this "break" to seriously reflect on what you want.  It's great that you want to reconnect with your H, so write that down as one of your objective, but keep in mind that 30 days is a very short time to rebuild an M.  

You may want to make a reality check list.  Make two columns, one with H's name, one with AP's and list the advantages and disadvantages of real life with each in their respective columns. There is only one rule: NO CHEATING! that means no cake eating, its one or the other, you can't have both.

I am not a big fan of "trying", I tried many times to go NC, but it's only when I decided I needed to end the A and go NC did it stick.  NC is also a tool to end an A, it is not imposing NC that will end the  A ifor you. If I say "I will try and get the laundry folded tonight" the laundry won't get done, I can guarantee it, so I say " I must fold the laundry tonight because it's all going to get wrinkled  and then I'm going to have a ton ironing to do"  

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 3:53pm

Tily,

Thanks for taking time to reply and give a little more clarification.

You wrote:

<<althgouh the physical part of the A ended a while ago we were still chatting often, therefore this is the test for both of us, as we have both broken our LC rules many times>

And:

<<His W knows of the A>>

So I take it he has had a D-day on his end.  Ending the PA is a step in the right direction. However, you admit to breaking any set rules when you were trying LC. You can see how difficult it is to have some contact while trying to set boundaries.

<<i am just not "in Love" with my H like i am with my AP.>

Many here can relate.  Many have come here typing the same words.  Also many here have come to realize the environment of the A added to those feelings and in some cases completely fueled those feelings towards AP. The secrecy, taboo, escape, and fantasy aspects all add to the feelings for AP. When you remove those, the “spark” could dim.

<<i know during that time i will work on my relationship with my H, spend quality time together and see if i can rekindle the spark, i will try not to think about my AP and i will make NC with him.>>

As Happy mentioned, 30 days is a really short amount of time to try and rekindle your R with your H. For me it took about three months before I could really apply myself to my M. I had so much to process through and to deal with internally there was just no way for me to really be fully present in my M. I’ve seen six months or longer be more of a norm here. Everyone is different and maybe it is possible to do it much quicker but in general that is really not a realistic amount of time needed to really work on a M. Do you truly believe it is a fair amount of time?

I can’t count how many posts over the years I’ve seen talking about rekindling the “spark” in a M.  Sparks are only meant to start fires. Fires need oxygen, heat and fuel to continue to burn. Relationships like fires require each person to commit to giving to the R regularly in order to keep the fires of intimacy burning. And while we are talking about sparks, let’s also consider they are not required to feel deep love and intimacy for your partner.   While “sparks” are exciting they don’t last. They usually quiet down over time in most Rs. I don’t believe they were meant to last and honestly I think they are given way too much importance. They are not necessary for a LTR to thrive.

Then there is the idea that sparks just happen and that is not necessarily the case. Some think they have to work for sparks in the M but think they are not “working” for the sparks in the A.  I have to ask is that so? Each time we sneak to read or answer a VM, phone call, PM, text, email etc. we have to put work into the secrecy and cover up. That secrecy can also generate excitement. Most will agree they put more time and effort into thinking about and communicating with their AP when compared to their M. We are putting work into the sparks in the A so why can we not put the same effort into our M? (This btw is an excellent subject to journal about.) Also, the environment  (lack of commitment) of the A in most cases prevents it from advancing beyond the infatuation level which can keep the “sparks” feeling flowing.

Also is it fair to put your M to this test without your H knowing he is being tested? If you are going to make or break your M based on this next 30 days, shouldn’t your H be given some heads-up on that?  I’m not advocating you say anything about the A but wouldn’t it be a good idea to let him know what the goal is for the next 30 days so he can try and participate in the rekindling? A marriage cannot work unless both partners are working towards the same goals with regards to the R. Doesn’t he at least deserve a chance to participate?

And finally on this topic, can you really commit to applying yourself to your M in the next 30 days? You have a “possibility” waiting in the wings. Can you really be “all in” to your M knowing that?

<< I am not psychic i do not know what will happen in the future only time will tell. >>

I had to laugh when I saw the word psychic. The laugh was at myself . During my A I wore my Mz. Cleo scarf daily. I was a psychic and a code breaker. I could tell you the REAL meaning behind a text that said “hello.”  Tily, I don’t want you to be a psychic. That is more A type thinking. In an A, we tend to live in the moment and not make plans beyond the next contact and/or meeting. And really isn’t that what you are doing here—not making any plans beyond the next contact—no plans beyond the short term (next 30 days)? Why is that? Is it because you don’t know how you will feel or is it really because you are waiting to see what he will say on his end?

My hope was to encourage you to think beyond the moment to think about some goals for yourself; to think about commitment; to think beyond feelings. We tend to hyper focus on the here and now and feelings in the moment during the A at least with regarding Rs. I really, really want to encourage you to think beyond that.

<< its all or nothing>>

With AP, will 30 days really lead to all or nothing or realistically will it just lead to more limbo? Will it just be more of one or both of you not being sure what to do about your respective M’s.  Even if you both decide to end your Ms, isn’t it possible that someone could change their mind down the road? Honestly what I see in these situations more times than not is some sort of standoff.  Each may say they are going to end their M but one waits for the other to really do it and both just end up, waiting and waiting and waiting. Then there are those where one does get a D and the other decides they just can’t.  You have to ask yourself if you are really ready to end your M for a possibly, maybe, or “what if?” In the meantime, how much of your life are you willing to live in limbo? Because to hold on to the AP “possibility” you continue to only be partially invested in your M. To hold on to that “possibility” you waste time on the “possibilities” your M could be.

I believe you are on the right track thinking you need to go NC and need to recommit to working  on your M and I’d like  to encourage you to think about that even more. Think about what your M really deserves as far as work and time. Think about what time frame is realistic for you to work on you and your M. Think about what other tools you could utilize along with NC—books, counseling, etc.

I’d like to wish you more than luck. I’d like to wish you self-love and the desire to want healthy Rs in your life.

E1

 

 

 

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 9:37pm
UPDATE: Day 1 & 2, still NC from either..yes small steps but still big ones for me. Desire to contact is huge, lucky i am very competitive and don't want to be the first to cave in.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 12:52pm

Honey, I am glad you got through the first few days.  However, it sounds like you expect that one of you will cave in, you just don't want it to be you first.

So, what if you are not?  What if he "caves" and contacts you, then what?

Do you want to be out of the A?  Or do you want to be with AP?  You need to decide.  And if it is "out of the A, because it is killing me inside", then you need to stay silent when he caves.

I have to say that "NC for 30 days while he is on vacation", is not NC.  It's a vacation.

I am sorry, I do know how hard it is.  But some of us made the very hard decision to NEVER talk to our xAPs ever again.  Ever.  For the rest of our lives.

Can you imagine how it felt when I made that decision?  How hard it was?

If you are planning on talking to your AP at the end of his vacation, then you are not NC.  And since you said "and then we will see, and some decisions will have to be made", it means that you are NOT ended, just taking a break and then re-evaluating.

Until you have ended, you may find yourself more at home on MAS.  I hope that doesn't sound harsh, but there are newbies here that have just made that very difficult decision, the one where I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest.  It is not really fair to them if you are here and already planning to break NC.

Yes, many of us DO slip up and fish, or respond to fishing.  But there is a difference.

Much love and strength to you.

Rain

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Fri, 11-02-2012 - 6:14am

My sincere apologies for being on the wrong board, my excuse is I am Australian and I know we kinda have a different take on the English language.. Ending for me is not over yet but in the midst of being over, Ended or After is well and truely over, I am sorry for those i have offended,  I will check out the MAS board, i dont even know what that stands for. but thank you all for your support. bye Tily xx

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