NC when child is involved?!?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
NC when child is involved?!?
8
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 1:17am

For those who don't know my story I'll sum it up this way: married 18 yrs, 4 kids, trying to end A that lasted 1 yr, have 3 month old baby that is xAP, told H, going to MC, still struggling with NC. xAP called me last Friday saying he wanted to see baby and be part of his life, not sure how he plans on doing this when he hasn't told his wife about A or baby. I told him I needed more time. I know everyone always stresses NC, which I am finally starting to see IS the only way to get over xAP, but I still wonder if with time we will be able to be just friends and he'll be able to be a part of child's life. But I don't want baby to be an excuse for eigther one of us to start A again. My question is this: has any one of you been able to remain friends with xAP after some time has passed?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 5:36am

Hi Hurting,

Gosh you have a mine field of explosives just waiting to go off, but I sense you know that already. In answer to your question there is no one on this board that I can see who remained friends with their AP after ending their A. There are people who have but they post on different boards.

 

I am an adoptive parent, hurting and a strong advocate of contact with birth parents if it is in the Childs best interest. I facilitate twice yearly contact with our children’s birth parents. If after you have taken the time to think it all the way through till your son is 18 and IF your xAP can make a commitment to be a stable and constant with contact (how he will do that and not involve his wife and other children is something he will need to work out) then I imagine you would adopt the mantra of LC by keeping all communication on a need to know basis and specific to your son. You have some very difficult decisions to make and your son is depending on you to make the right choices. I wish you much strength Hurting in making them. Just take the much needed time to think it all through. This is about what is best for your son, for your other children, your H  your M and you......

 

(((Hugs))) 

Sunny (soon) Xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2011
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 11:28pm

Hurting-

I am sorry you are in this situation.  I agree that you will most likely have to do Limited Contact.  Read in the Healing Library on how to successfully do that.  It means NO person conversations about yourself or your M.  You dont need to be friends in order for him to be involved in the child's life. 

Does your H know xAP contacted you?

Formerly heartacheafter7years
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 6:10am
Hurting I am sorry you are missing your Xap and longing for peace but you will NEVER find it as long as you hold on to Xap. I worry that his wanting to be involved in your sons life is a way just to keep contact with you. If he isnt prepared to tell his W about all this then any involvement will be based in lies and deceit and that really isnt fair to anyone least of all your son. 

How long it takes to get over an XAP will differ from person to person. A cast iron gauranteed way is to have NC. You are lost in the fog of A fantasy and you have been through so very very much recently that it seems too overwhelming to let it go. Commit today Hurting, commit to 3 months strict NC then you will be able to see things much clearer. Then you will be able to make good choices for everyone. 3 months, 12 short weeks, 90 days.... It is but a blink of an eye in your sons life. 

 You have been blessed with this baby and have the opportunity to raise him in a loving, caring family. Give NC a chance if you cant do it for you do it for your son. I am routing for you.

(((hugs)))
Sunny (soon) Xxx
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 9:29am

I am sorry for your situation.  It's not foreign to many of us, who have been close enough to these close calls to feel empathy for you.

You know me, I have to ask some questions to get a grip on what's happening. 

When he says he wants to be involved, what does he mean? 

Does he want to incur the costs of your H raising the child.  Is he ready to step up to the window and pay child support. Raising a child deprives the children of your marriage what the are morally entitled to. Depending on your situation and lifestyle, that could be a considerable amount of money.  Is he there forever? Forever!  Having grown children, I can attest that support never ends for children.  You always want better for them, are they going have it?

Is he prepared to all be a male figure in your baby's life.  Forever?  You may think your H is going to stick around, but there is just as good a choice that he won't.  If 50% of the marriages fail because of whatever reasons, then seeing a child that isn't his everyday could be a very big negative and could lead him to seeking a different life.  It's possible.

If he doesn't want his wife to know, how is all that going to be accomplished?  Is he just going to come on Saturday for a couple hours when he is supposed to be at Home Depot?  How is all this going to work with your H, your family, all the people you know?

Is this just some way to hang onto you for a while?  Maybe even reverse that question.  Are you trying to hold onto him for some reason. 

Him being a sperm donor doesn't automatically give him some God given right to be a person in your child's life.  Is he worthy of that?  We already know what he thinks of a portion of his life.  He lacks respect for the family that he already has.  Where is he headed with that?  What are the plans if this all blows up?

These are legitimate questions.  I am sure I could probably come up with many other if I gave it some thought.

You aren't over him.  Just your feelings for him can drag you back. 

This all looks very bleak to me and not a good situation.  Then again, bad situations sometimes work.  Not an impossibility! 

I am hoping for good things for you all.

Rather....

PS:  Just so you know, I've asked myself these same questions.  There is a lot of soul searching to go through.

 

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2011
Sat, 08-04-2012 - 10:41am

No, you won't be able to do that IMO.

What many ppl do in your situation is work through an intermediary concerning visitation, don't even discuss it with him. (because you know what will happen) It's the only way b caus how fair is it to your m and we can't have 2 m's going on at the same time! Someone will get really hurt and the children will suffer too.I know we are not allowed to mention the names of other boards where we can find help but you  do know there are other boards with a lot more action and more  active than this one concerning surviving infidelity?? Also, you need more resoruces in this situation, I don't see how you can manage this alone. I'm so sorry. Children are God's greatest gift but this is so stressful for you!