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| Wed, 06-09-2010 - 8:58pm |
I'm 36 years old, married and recently became involved with another married man in November. We met a year prior and became friends. We both started talking with each other about our marriages and how we were both very unhappy. Due to our situations, we were not able to divorce our spouses. As time went on, we became emotionally connected and then heavily involved in November. We became very close, and emotionally attached to one another. We started planning our lives together and often talked about divorce from our spouses and what steps we would take together afterwards. We did say "I Love You" to the other and wanted to spend every minute together. We were very cautious out of fear of our spouses finding out of course, and he was afraid his wife would hurt him by fighting for full custody of his children. Fast forward to now; his wife just found out about us by coming across an email he sent to me explaining the amount of love he has for me. She called him out on it, and then contacted me. I of course was embarrassed and hurt. Out of respect for her, I met her to answer any and all questions she had for me. The only request I asked from her is to let me meet with her husband one last time for me to say good-bye and put closure on the relationship. I even told her she can come with him. She would not allow me to do this. I'm hurt, crushed, sick to my stomach, and feel like a part of my heart has been ripped out. I have ate very little in 4 days and just can't take it anymore. I'm angry at him for not trying to contact me, but understand his wife probably has him under lock and key. I just need to put closure on the relationship so I feel like I can move on with my life.
I have told my husband and of course he was hurt, but is standing beside me 100%, and being an awesome support for me. If any one good thing came from this, it is I realized how much he truly loves me.
My question is this; how can I gain closure to the affair? I do hold a special place in my heart for this other man, and I know he is hurting to. I thought about sending an email, but I'm sure she will intercept before he gets to read. I'm just so hurt and lost and need to say good-bye to him. Please help.

Hi LC,
Yes as your moniker implies, As (affairs)
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
This was from a post by blue_belle44:
Acceptance
This is how it is.
Not how it
-was
-might have been
-should have been
Not how
-I wanted it to be
-hoped it to be
-planned it to be
I accept that this is how it is.
Now I get on with my life in a positive way.
Author unknown
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Hi and welcome.
If you read around this board, you'll learn that men don't leave after ddays. They stay and try to make their "miserable" marriages work, and usually the other woman is thrown under the bus despite being "love of his life", "soulmate" and all that garbage. Don't be angry at him for not contacting you - he won't, and not because she has him "under lock and key" - he is grown man and if he'd want to contact you, he'd find a way. He is not doing it because he doesn't want to - he has recommitted to his wife and healing his marriage and so should you. Please don't try to contact him yourself - he's staying with his wife and you should be respectful of that and leave them both alone. If you're in pain, just try to imagine how much pain she is in - he is her HUSBAND, father of her children and he supposed to be committed to her and to her only.
You are extremely lucky that your husband is standing beside you and willing to work on things, so it is time to focus on you own life. You will not get a closure, and you don't really need to say good bye - with time, it just won't matter anymore.
Recovery is a long and very painful jorney, but this board is a huge support and you will make it on the other side as a better and stronger person. Pain will lessen with time, and yes, you will be just fine.
Much love and stength to you,
Gone
I will help u, as will the board, provided u agree to maintain NC. No closure in A's. Best u leave them to their healing process. And if he wanted to contact you, he would have. She doesn't have him on lock 24/7. U r pretty bold to even ask to see him. Did u even possibly think she would agree to such a thing? Would you? That was pretty bold to even ask. Can u imagine her pain? I realize this is painful for you. I realize it's tough. But u are expecting a bit much.
When MM get caught they really show there true colors. Would someone that really wanted to be with you act like he is? He is where he wants to be...that excuse about the kids is so played out. I have seen that one quite a bit. Stay on the board. An A is not special. It's a big lie with no foundation. Leave them be n get to working on you. Stand with ur H, he sounds like an amazing man who truly does love you.
luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
We all want closure- and we can get it, but it has to come from ourselves. This emotional need to have closure is natural. It's hard to imagine that he could just walk away, but he has and now it's time for you to do the same. Many here have struggled with this closure question and I think Iddy said it best. I copied and pasted her response in my strength folder and I will share it here with you. I hope it helps.
"There is NO closure when an A ends between the two APs because it was never a real relationship to begin with. What we all had was an underground liaison based on deceit, lies, and the exchange of forbidden feel goods. Trying to get closure on such secretive behavior is rather foolish, don't you think? Real closure comes from within, when we have examined our despicable behavior in depth, understand the inner complexities of this dysfunctional behavior, hold ourselves accountable for what we've done, and then forgiving ourselves and XAP for being so weak and foolish. This will take time and distance before the answers are forthcoming."
And this also helped me:
"Closure means dead." ~Jonathan Jarvis
What could be harder on one's self-esteem than to be continually drawn back into a toxic relationship, or any toxic situation? Many of us, desperately trying to break free from an addictive stranglehold, make heartfelt, heroic efforts to break out. But ultimately, failing to walk all the way away, we slip right back, inch by inch, into the hell from which we had almost escaped.
When a situation has been deemed lethal, when we come to understand that to stay is to sacrifice self-esteem, then closure, and only closure, can set us free. Closure does not mean sort of separating. It means getting all the way out. It means the relationship is over and there is no possibility of going back. It means that even if the other person calls or invites or begs or pleads or cries or crawls the answer is no. Out means out. Closure means canceled, kaput, the end.
Difficult? Yes, indeed. Necessary? In some situations it is the difference between life and death, physical as well as spiritual. Most of us need a lot of support from healthy friends to stick to our guns when we're trying to do away with a dangerous, but compelling, relationship.
Successful closure means being open to the new as well as closed to the old.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
I’m with you Luvin. I cannot believe that she would ask her xmm wife to meet with her H one last time. After sleeping with him for months behind her back. That takes a lot of nerve. That is the highest degree of self-entitlement that I have seen on this board.