Need advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2011
Need advice?
Sun, 01-06-2013 - 11:40pm

 I am in dire need of advice right now. What do you do when xap who is almost twice my age and married 4 times fishes constantly even though you ignore the bait. I have been really sick lately and still working so I have to go outside. Well he came out the other day saying you sound so sick the cold is in your core and sound sad for me and  I just walk away. He knows what he is doing thats the scary part and I know this. It has been be two years in March since I ended it.  I said somethings that might have him really angered him and hurt his pride mostly his pride. and it was the truth of course! In it I told him to leave me alone in a not so nice context. I avoided him heavily because I knew what I said in the letter would make him very angry and I didn't want to face xap. In the end I did, I had to and he told me could not live like with me hating him and that he was not moving or going anywhere. Things got worse and worse. The worst episode was when I was doing laundry he took a bull whip out in public and started snapping it at me and saying run long child go do your laundry woman. I was appaled but I dont think he will hurt me but I dont know. Why cant he let me go? I went to the cops and tried to get a restraining order on him and I couldn't because I didn't have any evidence that he did something to harm me. Everytime I see him he smiles and tries to interact with me and I keep ignoring. I know there is something wrong with him it is just creepy.Any advice would be appreciated thanx.

Peace, Love Andie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 4:43am

Hi Andie

What are your options? Can you move out? Can you find a new house to live in. Do you really want this hassle the rest of your life?

I think this man is sick, and enjoys taunting you - gives him a kick to see how you react. He probably wont stop as long as he sees he's getting a reaction from you.

If he cared about you he would just leave you alone, so please don't think hes having trouble letting go of your releationship - he's just having trouble dealing with his bruised ego.

I have read from your previous posts that he has other women over to his house, and you laugh about how they look ect ect... how about you stop keeping an eye on what he's doing as well.... sounds like you are having trouble letting go as well...... Andie.... whats really up???

I'll say it again.... try and find an alternative place to live - this sounds like a reciepe for disaster....


Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 9:13am
Hi Andie, Sorry you are having such an awful time, but well done you for wanting to move on to a better life. You will not get a restraining order without sufficent evidence, so I would start slowly but surely quietly gathering evidence. How does he communicate with you If it is via texting, emails etc then keep every one. But the best thing to do would be block every avenue and do not respond to anything. Whe you see him out do not make eye contact and do not engage with him in any which way. Keep ignoring him. As WGO suggests, if it is at all possible for you to move, then I'd move. This man will not change, he does not wish you well and as for hurting his pride, you couldn't in a million years. You will not appeal to his better nature, he doesn't have one, there is no reasoning with people like this so don't try. Trust your gut instinct Andi, and if it's telling you there is something wrong with him and his behaviours are a bit creepy - then they are and that is not someone you want to be close to. Ignore him and focus on you, the positives in your life, and the people who do care about you. Peace to you too Sunny Soon Xxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2011
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 4:49pm

Hi and thank you WGO and Sunnydays. My options are extremely limited we do not have the option of moving right now. My hubby is out of a job and I am the only one working he is getting unemployment.  So my options are limited at this point.My hubby is trying to find work and not having any success :(  I wish we could leave this place but we can't right now. I do not want this hassle for the rest of my life. We live in such close knit apts. I am doing everything I can and that is ignoring him I don't know what else to do at this point. I know he is bad for me and for my marriage so I ended it in a letter that he said he did not read but I know he did. Anyways that is not the point I am being very strong here and doing all I can to move on with my life and family. My hubby had the guy at his throat you think he would of listened but he didnt. So it is kinda creepy. I am just trying to keep on keeping on and focusing my head and heart on my family and I and out of that dreadful fog.

 Peace love Andie

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: wClarity
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 5:53pm

Sheesh, if I hadn't gone over to page two and scrolled down...  I am so sick of having to type that in a post first thing.

I don't know, Andie.  Besides moving, I don't see a way out.  Sunny made a good suggestion...start a case.

Keep ignoring him...seems to be the only other alternative.  Consequences...they are different for everybody.  Unfortunately, this is in the same apartment complex...I'm sorry you have to deal with this...sometimes there doesn't appear to be any way around them...hopefully, he'll get tired of your non-response.  Some sort of divine intervention would be nice around now.

Chin up


Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2011
Mon, 01-07-2013 - 6:37pm

Thanks Clarity for the reply. Yes some intervention would be awesome if only I could!. I am going to start documenting everything he does towards me so i have enough evidence for a restraining order. That is my only option right now It's sucks to be in a real life fatal attraction situation. I put myself here so it is my fault these are the consequences I must pay you are 100% right. I am just worried how far xap will take all this. The scary thing is I dont know... he has threaten me before saying he was going to do something but he didnt know what. So my hands are tied. Plus he is trying to befriend my dad who lives upstairs I just keep staying strong and avoid, avoid thats all I can do for now. :(