Need advice and help and a push!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Need advice and help and a push!
3
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 10:14am
I know I need to have some closure. I have only been having this affair for three months, and I decided a couple weeks ago that I needed to end it...basically because it is the right thing to do. I have felt more empowered than ever. However, I have decided I need to tell him this. I want to do this in person b/c over the phone is kinda weird and e-mail leaves a "trail." I had my chance once...and although I didn't seize it, I also didn't have sex with him (I held hands and kissed him though...and cuddled). Then I tried to have lunch with him and he cancelled on me. I kinda thought maybe he got the hint when I refused his advances the time I held hands, etc. But I never said the words. And it turns out, he was just playing games (*eye roll*)...I HATE these games! He called me Wednesday night and asked me to lunch for yesterday. I prepared myself to "break up" but I was weak and never said the words. You know, it was a booty call! I again, refused his advances (but I was weak about it...I needed to say why I was refusing and be strong and convicted about it). The more I think about it, the more I am kinda hurt! Cancel a lunch I set up and don't call me again until you are horny. I hate to be graphic and direct, but please tell me that I have more respect for myself than to allow this guy to disrespect ME like this! But, I am so weak and still want him. I need to just bite the bullet, say the words, and end it! How do I do this?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 10:24am
imp -

I know how you're feeling, I've been there.

You do not have to do this in person. It will be much easier to send him a note - just basically tell him that you do not want to continue with the dishonesty, lies and deception. You really don't have to use that many words.

The thing is though, that you have to STICK with your decision.

Get all your feelings OUT. Vent in writing. I did that, and believe me it helped me. I still read the (10) or so documents I created online (password protected, of course!)

It really does help. I bought the book 'Dont call that Man' and it said that this is one of the most important things you need to do. You have to get your feelings OUT. You need to recognize them, etc. (I will post all the good stuff from the book when I have time).

Best of luck to you. If you want out, then do it - if you don't you are letting him control your life. It's YOUR life, not HIS.

Good luck and hugs to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 11:32am
I have done exactly what you are talking about doing and so what I have to say comes from a place of great compassion and understanding. Meeting to talk about not meeting anymore is about as illogical as it sounds. I found that I used the "closure" defense because when all was said and done I just really, really wanted to see him again. I never received a sense of closure because the only reason I was meeting him was because in my heart of hearts I still wanted him. It sounds as though you have had at least one opportunity (possibly two???) and were not able to do it. Congratulations for not having sex with him (more than what I could claim at the time) but you did engage in the things that can be more meaningful and more confusing, holding hands and cuddling. I understand you not wanting to leave a "trail" by e-mail but if you ever used e-mail as a way of corresponding with him while you were in the affair then my guess is that this would be the most appropriate e-mail you could send. If not, call him, keep it brief, and you may want to write out an outline of what your main points are so that you say exactly what you want to say. Chances are that you will say more of what you want to say if you e-mail or call then you ever will if you meet with him because it is so hard to say it is over when the man who makes you get butterflies in your stomach is looking across the table at you. I found it harder and more frustrating and the truth is that I walked away having said nothing of any closure substance because I just wanted to see him again. If you really want closure then call or more preferably, write him. If you want to see him again then know that is your motive and be prepared for the difference between that and closure because there is a distinct difference. I am concerned that you setting yourself up for disappointment and hurt. If it is truly over than there is very little to say and it rarely takes a lunch to do so. Whatever the case, I hope you protect your heart and do what is truly in your best interest. I wish you luck, happiness, and peace.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 1:14pm
Great response Anxiety! You nailed it here:

"I found that I used the "closure" defense because when all was said and done I just really, really wanted to see him again."

The painful see-sawing in these relationships is caused by our own indecision and commitment to do what we need to do.

Pain sucks! Trying to avoid pain isn't any better. :|

Someday