Need advice ASAP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2012
Need advice ASAP!
12
Sun, 11-25-2012 - 9:42pm

 

I've been doing really well with NC, been deleting every text xAP has sent.  And then, he turned up the heat.  I have been getting them constantly for days.  Annoying, but still just deleting and really feeling strong.  And then this.  Tonight I get one that says " reply or else I call your H.  You have until noon tomorrow" .   What do I do?!  I can not change my phone number and yes, he has my H number as well.  I am shaking, I'm really scared of what he will do.  Should I just talk to him and try to calm him down?

 

Pages

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sun, 11-25-2012 - 11:33pm

Isn't he married as well?  So, he has as much to lose?

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 12:15am

I'm not up too much longer this evening.  I don't think you should respond...what good will that do?  Then, he'll always be able to hold you hostage.

Gee...I'm in a quandry here.  You have 'til noon.

Off the top of my head, I see you have the following options:

1.  Do not engage and hope he's bluffing

2.  If you feel you need to come clean to your husband before this psycho does, well wouldn't that be the pits if psychoJAM *was* bluffing.  On the other hand, coming clean to your husband could be the start of rebuilding a healthier marriage.

3.  Deny involvement?  You don't even know this guy, or, he made an advance to you and when you shot him down, he turned psycho.

I just don't know.  Maybe some others will post in with some ideas.

Hang tough...I would not engage with him.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 3:25am
Hi Blondhigh You should not talk him down, you need to keep your distance from this person as if your life depends on it. Lets put it this way - you would be putting your marriage in more danger engaging with this person. He sounds dangerous. And if he really wanted to contact your husband, he would have done so already. Stay calm and let him cool down. Please dont contact him. This man is bad news WGO
Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 4:14am

Extortion to get you back??? 

What a loser.

The person with all the power is the one who has the least to lose.

You already know you can't trust him.  You already know he is a loser. You already know he has no respect for you.

Nothing can be gained by getting in involved with him again. You can't negotiate from a weak position.

He can't know whether you are receiving his messages or not. 

I would try and get some sleep, (I know) and hope for the best of a no win situation.

Pray that your H doesn't kill him if he goes forward with his threats.

Time has a way of changing things, I would wait.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 9:10am
Hi Blonde Im sorry you are having such a hard time sweetie from this A$$! DO NOT RESPOND He is as WGO says, dangerous. He is now sending threatening texts which if I were in your shoes I would be keeping. Do nothing, he is trying to scare you into responding and if you did he would laugh in your face. Blonde I work with the victims of these toss pots day and daily and they just don't have a conscience. Now he may tell your husband or he might not. What you do in the meantime is take a deep breath and work out wjat you would do if he did. Deny all (it is his word against yours) and Im guessing his reputation is to die for. Or confess. The most important thing for you to do is not respond. DO NOT RESPOND. There is nothing that you will say to him that will mean one iota to him. Nothing. All he is doing is trying to do is bully you into responding, so he can get his hooks into you again and abuse you further. Please for yoir own mental well being do not respond. He is a parasitic loser, who is devoid of any capacity for empathy or caring. He will give up eventually, but you are in for a rough ride hun. You must stay strong. A lot of it will be hot air. And really you need to change your number. I know its a hassel but the psychological torture he is inflicting on you is soo much worse. It will be ok hun we are here. ((((hugs))) Sunny Soon Xxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 10:37am
Hi Blonde - gosh, just signing on after the weekend, what a situation for you. I agree with all others, do not respond...he is most likely hoping to find out if you have even been reading hie texts. Which, after this situation, I hope you will stop doing! You have to play the odds, and assume he is just desperately trying to get your attention, and do nothing. Use this to reinforce why you are done with this guy. If, and it's a very big if, he calls your H, you will truthfully be able to say that you are no longer involved with him. Let's hope this is the end of it - be strong!!! XO - Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 10:37am

Blonde,

I’m sorry he is resorting to threats.

Blonde play this through in your head. If you respond now, he will know you are receiving the text messages and he will know the threat works.  He will continue to use it to get you to be his puppet on a string. So what if you “calm him down” today? What about 5 minutes after that? What about an hour later? What about tomorrow? You cannot control his moods. If he is dead set on telling, he will whether it is today or tomorrow or the next day. You cannot change that. So let go of the notion you can.

However, odds are against him telling. If he does, he increases his chances that the A will be over for good. Even though you have made up your mind it is over, he is obviously trying to hang on and telling would require him to let go. Doesn’t seem he is there yet. Does it? Also, it puts him at risk for aggressive retaliation from your H. Unless he is brain dead, he has to know telling another man he was having relations with his W could put his face in line with your H’s fist or worse.

Blonde, you cannot control what other’s do or will do. You can only control what you do. If you want this to be over, you have to let it be over.  

Hugs,

E1

ps: I’d be willing to bet those two text are not the last you will receive from him. You will probably get another one saying something along the lines of, “I guess you don’t care if I tell your H?” or “Do you think I’m bluffing?” You could write the script here Blonde. At this point, he is just trying to get you to engage.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 12:03pm
Echo all that the others have said. Stay firm and be honest with yourself too. It's a desPerate attempt to goad you into replying. There's always been the option of telli g your H at any point during the whole A. Don't reply. Yellow x

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 9:10pm
If you are really serious about ending your A, reply back to him saying thank goodness, please tell my DH because I am tired of the lies. Two things could happen: one, he could tell and the lie will finally be out and hopefully you could explain to your DH why you cheated and work on a better M or two: he will realize that you are not that weak naive woman who risks her M and self worth for JAM and he will go away and find another prey. Find strength.
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 12:13am

I dunno, Myrasfriend.

I don't think 'bringing on' a discovery day in any other manner than confessing yourself is a good idea.  

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Pages