Need advice, please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Need advice, please!
15
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 11:41pm
I used to write here a few months back when I was trying to decide whether or not to end my EMA. I did do that in June and I have been very sad, depressed, etc. Anyway, trying to do the right thing but now my MM's wife has found out about us and he decided to tell her many, many half-truths. Some examples: Our affair was only 1 1/2 years when it was actually 5 1/2, it was only physical (which it was not according to him), we never spoke on the phone (total lie as we only had an email account in the last year and before that we always spoke on the phone all the time). So you get the picture. It's all about the fact that it wasn't that serious, which it was. He said he loved me and he didn't want to lose me, etc., etc.

My question is should I call her myself and tell her the truth? If they are working on saving the marriage, which he says its only a matter of time and it will all be over and they'll be divorced, then shouldn't she know the real story? He tells me that she is fragile and might do something rash. I don't know her that well but I think he is exaggerating this. He has told her that I don't know that she found out about us. I have explained to him in the past that I hate lies and that I won't lie for him. At first he said that she was going to contact me but it's been 7 weeks and I have not heard from her yet. Do you think she'll still call me? I have no problem contacting her but I'm not sure if that is the right thing to do or if I should just stay out of it.

Any ideas or suggestions will be appreciated.

maria

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 12:55am
HI Maria

First no I don't think you should call her, but if she calls you do not LIE for him, he seems to be an accomplished LIAR and does not need your help in this department

You think that he is exaggerating about his wife, TRY LIEING to you about her the same way he is LIEING to her about you.

Will she call you , maybe in time when she is ready, but I imagine he has painted the worst possible picture of you in here mind, the crazy HO who kept after him tell you wore down his resistence sort of stuff, standard cheating married man routine when it is time to cover there butt.

>>>"he says its only a matter of time and it will all be over and they'll be divorced"<<<

He will divorce her when chickens dance the polk, now on the other hand if she learns the truth and nothing but the whole truth she may kick his worthless butt to the curb, but realisticly would really want this LIEING CHEAT.

Suggestions: REMOVE HIM FROM YOUR LIFE TOTALLY, he sounds like BAD NEWS, go TOTAL NO CONTACT and get your real life back from this Pathological LIAR.

See your DR about antidepressants to help you deal with your raw emotional wounds inflicted on you by the selfish person.

Your not going to even begin healing until you go no contact with him, any contact only sets you back to square one again and again.

If he really cared about you as a human being he would do the no contact to help you heal and move on with your life.

Time to look out for number one just like he is.

Wisdom and strength



Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 3:01am
Hi Maria,

Of COURSE this woman is lying - her HUSBAND, who promised to be faithful broke that promise and cheated on her - with YOU! She will hate you and lie and do whatever she can to make you look bad - you had an affair with HER husband for 5 1/2 years! She wants to make this as little and insignificant as she possilby can - she is trying to save face.

She will hate you and say the worst possible things about you to anyone who will listen - lies or not! She won't be concerned about telling the whole truth right now - she is mad and hurt. The man who married her and she expected to stay faithful didn't - he lied to her for a very long time.

I would not talk to her and correct any of the lies. First of all - you have to realize that you lied to her for a much longer time and about something much more hurtful than anything she is saying to you. You might not know her well or at all - and she may be the "mean, cold, uncaring....wife" - but she was still lied to. She will not see what is wrong with what she is doing. I wouldn't even go there! She will tell you things that are aimed to tear you apart. You must be hurting enough! Don't ask for more!

Also, you MM might have lied to her about the details to make the A less of a big deal than it really was. He probably told her terrible things about you and how he didn't care about you - blah blah blah - just to make it easier to deal with her. I would not take his word that he is honest with you. He lied to his life partner - the one he MARRIED - he is used to lying. Of course he lied to you too. Maybe only to not cause you more pain - but be sure that there are lots of things said and done between him and his W that he lied to you about.

If my H found out about my A - I would LIE about the importance of this man in my life. I would tell my H that it was temporary insanity and I would never hurt him with the depth of my "addiction" to this OM. I would down play it as much as possible.

Please, for your own sake, don't go there with the wife. There are a lot of things said between you and MM and her and MM that you all don't need to share. You BOTH will end up hurting more. Don't worry about saving face - anyone who knows about the A will make their own judgements. She will rip you to shreds if she can. I am actually surprised that the lies she is telling are small and only about the details.

Just my opinion - I'm not judging you at all (how could I???) - but just think of her perspective and leave it alone. Don't open yourself up for more pain. And...what will it accomplish to correct her?

I wouldn't lie for him either - I would answer her questions - but leave out any hurtful details. Tell her to ask him instead. He married her - he should deal with the mess he's caused.

The saying "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"

I hope you are doing okay!

-Lazy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 9:22am

Hi Maria,


I agree with Free. Go total NC with MM and do whatever it takes to get him out of your life. He is lying to both of you to save his own ass. The best gift you can give yourself is to FREE yourself from him and move on. You will feel so much better. And if the wife calls, be honest. But I wouldn't initiate the call. It needs to come from her when/if she is ready.


Good luck with this tough situation. We're here for you! This board has been my sanity. Stay strong!

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 1:23pm
Hi all, thank you for your positive feedback and suggestions. I have already gone NC with him as of last week and I intend to honor that. I told him not to call me until he is divorced. I don't know if that will happen or not. Some of your thoughts about him are pretty harsh, but I don't kid myself into thinking that he hasn't lied to me also. Time will tell, and time is the healer for all of us.

God Bless.

maria
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 1:51pm
Hiya Maria,

My credentials are:- I'm an exOW, my EMA lasted for 3.5yrs and produced my 22mos old daughter.

On the whole, it's extremely self-serving to consider spilling the beans now when you didn't spill either before or during the affair so anything you do volunteer will be viewed suspiciously and rightfully so.

Think about it:- When we are sleeping with their husbands, all that lying, cheating & betrayal is perfectly acceptable to us, isn't it?

We kid ourselves that MM's won't lie to, cheat on or betray us since we already KNOW they're accomplished liars, cheaters & betrayers.

Gotta love the old saying "If he will do it FOR you, he will do it TO you."

<<>>

Sure it was serious, within the fantasy bubble of the affair where real life must not intrude. You now know that his true feelings are for preserving his marriage - The reasons don't matter much and you can't believe anything a liar says anyway.

<<>>

Sure he did, but strictly within the realm of that fantasy bubble. When real life knocks on the bubble's door, real life wins & the bubble explodes into the nothingness on which it was based. Remember the saying "better the devil you know?" His wife is the known devil, while you are an unknown quantity. He knows what his wife is like in the real world. He's been to hospital appointments and she's held his hand, he doesn't know that you'd be there for him holding his hand. He knows how his wife will react in situations where he needs to rely on her and he trusts her with his life & the life of his children, if any. You, he knows from a fun and untested fantasy bubble - he also knows you are happy to lie & cheat & betray when it suits you. Real life, and the tried and tested usually wins, Maria.

<<>>

No, you shouldn't call her yourself. If she wishes to know your version of the truth, then she will contact you. If she should contact you, keep to the facts rather than attempting to score points, answer her questions, and do your utmost not to wound someone who doesn't deserve being hurt further. If you can manage this, you may both learn a great deal, make sense of lies told to both of you, and some healing may actually occur.

<<>>

If they are working on rebuilding, that is their business and not yours.

<<>>

Um, you are believing a liar again, Maria, whether or not it feeds into whatever it is you wish to believe. How long will you put your own life on hold for a liar, a cheater and someone able to put what he WANTS over what people who love him NEED? He's no prize, honey, if anything he's a liability.

<<>>

Examine your motivation for wanting to tell the "real" story. Do you think it might knock him off the fence he is sitting on? Do you really think he'll tumble onto your side especially when he's leaning so far to the other side?

<<>>

Well, having the rug pulled out from under you, having the world as you know it turned on its head, and discovering that the person you love, believed in, trusted, and thought you knew so well is actually capable of hurting you in methods you never thought possible is pretty likely to put people in a somewhat fragile state. This is actually something I believe he's probably telling the truth about. He feels protective of her, especially since he's done the damage. Pushing it is likely to make him even more protective and effectively rams the point home to him even further that his wife acts selflessly while you act with selfishness.

<<>>

She may still phone you. Answer honestly and without lashing out or attempting to score points and you may just both gain some truth told about the lies exMM has told both of you. If that were to happen, you both may just begin to heal.

<<>>

Examine your motivations for wanting to set the record straight. Who does it serve? It's not noble to rub her face in it, Maria, and as I said, the time to done the noble thing would have been before the lies & before boinking her husband. If shaking exMM from his fence is your motive, it will likely fail. The best course of action is to stay out of it and move on.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 2:36pm
Thanks, posie.

Your comments are very helpful. I am not trying to be self-serving. I know from my own

vantage point that if my H cheated on me I would want to know all the facts and not count

on someone who betrayed me and our vows for information. There are children involved but they are all adults over 21. I'm pretty sure she doesn't believe all the lies he is feeding her, but it's her problem and not mine. If she calls me I won't be lying to her, believe me. And I have no intention of getting into facts with her either. Just the length of the affair is what I think she should know about. 5 1/2 years is not a trivial amount of time.

I am ready to move ahead with my life. That is why I made the decision to break it off in June. I am looking forward to an honest relationship in the future, but am in no hurry.

Thanks again,

maria
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 2:42pm
Do not contact his wife, and do not respond if she attempts to contact you. I have no personal experience with this, but it just sounds like a recipe for disaster to me... You are best to just move on and put this behind you once and for all. That also goes for any contact with MM - stay away!!!
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 3:07pm
Hiya Maria,

Glad you found my comments helpful.

<<>

The problem with this is that the person she'd be turning to for corroboration is also the one who contributed to that betrayal, and who, in fact, enabled and encouraged it. If you don't know one another, how could she know whether you were still lying or enhancing the lies for your own benefit (benefit being MM leaving her for you - regardless of whether this is something you actually want).

<<>>

Correct. He is her liar, not yours. Furthermore, by all the effort he seems to be expending, his actions indicate he's more than happy to remain right where he is.

<<>>

If -IF- she calls, I'd still suggest you answer her questions simply and honestly. I do have experience of this albeit our initial meeting was face to face with each of us holding a child fathered by exOM (mine is now 22mos, hers now 10mos). For rather complicated reasons, both DH & I have had many conversations with exOM's DP but invariably she has phoned us and this has ALWAYS been at her instigation. It has enabled all of us to put together pieces of the puzzle, promoted healing, and allowed us all to begin to move on.

I salute your decision to move on.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 3:20pm

I wish there was an icon for lying snake. Instead I've used the angry icon.


While there's no need to initiate contact with xMM's wife, I suggest you be absolutely truthful if she calls or writes to you with questions. Chances are the reason you haven't heard from her yet is because she doesn't want to hear the whole story. She picked him in the first place and from your post it seems to me he's just trying to weasel and finesse his way back into the cozy marriage he had by laying the blame on you. So be it. Her problem, not yours and good riddance.


No, it's not fair. If it were there wouldn't have been an affair in the first place.


My suggestion is that you leave Mr. Liar in the past and move forward on your own.


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 1:26am
Maria,

My advice? Don't call her. Don't contact her. If she chooses to contact you, that's up to her. But don't do something that though you think is for her, is really to make yourself feel better. It's not right to hurt someone else for our own sake. Believe me, I know. My guess is that he didn't tell her the whole story because he doesn't want to hurt her any more than he already has. And does she really need to know everything? Isn't it enough to know that he had an affair? It sounds to me like you are doing the right thing by getting on with your life. I know it hurts, but it will pass eventually. If he didn't leave her after 5 1/2 years, chances are he ain't gonna leave her. They rarely do. Cut your losses and move on, girl. You'll be better for it in the end.

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