Need advice, please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Need advice, please!
15
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 11:41pm
I used to write here a few months back when I was trying to decide whether or not to end my EMA. I did do that in June and I have been very sad, depressed, etc. Anyway, trying to do the right thing but now my MM's wife has found out about us and he decided to tell her many, many half-truths. Some examples: Our affair was only 1 1/2 years when it was actually 5 1/2, it was only physical (which it was not according to him), we never spoke on the phone (total lie as we only had an email account in the last year and before that we always spoke on the phone all the time). So you get the picture. It's all about the fact that it wasn't that serious, which it was. He said he loved me and he didn't want to lose me, etc., etc.

My question is should I call her myself and tell her the truth? If they are working on saving the marriage, which he says its only a matter of time and it will all be over and they'll be divorced, then shouldn't she know the real story? He tells me that she is fragile and might do something rash. I don't know her that well but I think he is exaggerating this. He has told her that I don't know that she found out about us. I have explained to him in the past that I hate lies and that I won't lie for him. At first he said that she was going to contact me but it's been 7 weeks and I have not heard from her yet. Do you think she'll still call me? I have no problem contacting her but I'm not sure if that is the right thing to do or if I should just stay out of it.

Any ideas or suggestions will be appreciated.

maria

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 7:56pm

<>


It's not your place to tell her!

Iknowitstime

(and so do you)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 10:28pm

"I have no problem contacting her but I'm not sure if that is the right thing to do or if I should just stay out of it.


My opinion is that you should stay out of it.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 11:43pm
Thanks for all your advice. I really appreciate it and the consensus is not to say anything. But....I still have mixed feelings about telling her about the length of the affair. I know you all say it's selfish, but it doesn't come from my feelings, it comes from honesty. I guess I am very naive about all this because you all imply that honesty is something I never cared about while I was in the affair. I see your point. But I was married also at the time and I left my husband and eventually divorced. My husband never suspected anything and we had a ton of other problems in our marriage anyway. I am such a stupid romantic that I felt it was not lying to be involved with my MM. I felt it was true love. We split up for 8 months a few years ago and then got back together only because he said he was in love with me. So now I am very, very hurt. I think that if two people are trying to rebuild a marriage honesty is the only way to make it work.

I need closure too. I feel betrayed myself in that he told so many lies to her about our relationship. How do you get closure if the truth is never heard?

I am having a really bad weekend.

Thank you all for listening and putting up with me.

Maria
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 12:58am
Hiya Maria,

<<>>

Remember the movie "Bambi?" Well, if you do this you will immediately take on the role of the Hunter who kills Bambi's mother. It really is that much of an injustice. What do you think it will accomplish? How will this help YOU? What good can come of it?

<<>>

It's supremely selfish. Honesty didn't bother you when you were boinking her husband. Why should it suddenly become so important now that you're not? SHE didn't do this to you, YOU permitted it all to happen to YOU. The anger you are feeling should be directed at yourself because you CHOSE to have an affair whereas his wife had no say in the matter.

<<>>

You ignored honesty when you failed to be honest with his wife about having a relationship outside of her marriage. What does it truly matter how long the A lasted? Really? If it was one day, one month, one year or twenty five years, her world has just been upended, spun sideways, and she is sitting there wondering where the man she loved and trusted went and who the hell is this across the breakfast table looking at her these days. This is between them, you have no place in their marriage.

<<>>

Whether or not you knew it was lying at the time, you now know that it was. Lying is lying whether or not you think you are in love with someone or even someone else.

<<>>

Who knows, perhaps exOM may only be counting the time since you got back together. Regardless of your own marital status at the time, the fact remains, you chose to enable & encourage exOM to lie, to cheat and to betray his wife. You made these choices freely, Maria. I doubt there was a loaded firearm to your head so you can't even claim duress.

<<>>

Of course you feel hurt, honey. The end of a relationship is a painful time whether it's an affair or out in the open. Lashing out at his wife will not make you feel better, it will only give you something else to feel guilty about later.

<<>>

But the thing is, this isn't your marriage that you are trying to rebuild. You therefore have no input and certainly no right to decide on what basis they choose to rebuild.

<<>>

Any lingering questions in your mind can be answered by this simple statement: "Because he's a lying, cheating jerk and he has chosen his wife." There are remarkably few questions you might have which cannot be answered by that one statement. There is your closure.

<<>>

Just like his wife, you have discovered that he is a lying, cheating jerk. It hurts, doesn't it? After everything you have done to her all these years, why would you really want to add to her pain? You chose to be in an affair, she didn't. Who is the injured party?

<<>>

By learning from it. By making sure such a thing can never ever happen again in your lifetime. By treasuring love wherever you can find it whether it's in a new man who is available & proud to be with you openly, or in the eyes of a child or even in the smile on a dog. By looking in the mirror and being able to say you made a mistake but NOW you can live your life again with honesty & integrity.

<<>>

As you maintain No Contact and keep your self busy and make small changes to your usual routines, you will begin to lose the feelings of withdrawal. The more you keep the vicious circle going, the more hurt & pain you will experience. Contact those friends you haven't spoken to recently because you've put your life on hold for someone who didn't deserve you. You are loved and you are special, friends and family can remind us of that even when it's hard to believe it of ourselves. Start that course you've thought about but didn't want to start in case exMM was suddenly able to be free one night.

The change has to come from you, Maria, love. Begin to look forward rather than back. There's joy and even love out there if only you'll step out to greet it.

We're here when you need us, and often when you don't.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie








iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 11:38am
Thanks again Posie for all your wisdom and positive thoughts.

I have decided not to contact his wife, but will tell her the honest truth

with no concerns. The one item that you never mention in your posts is that it takes

2 people to make a marriage work and 2 people to have it blow up. At times you sound

as if you have been a betrayed spouse yourself. Is that the case?

As for my friends and family. I never lost touch with any of them. I never, ever put

my life on hold. In fact the first three years of my affair I was very realistic and knew that it would end and had no expectations. It wasn't until he came back and told me he loved me and needed me in his life that I turned into a stupid fool.

I have always gone out with friends, I have always taken classes I was interested in and that won't change now. One of my best friends also had an affair years ago and she is very sympathetic and easy to talk to. So, no worries. I know I'll be fine. I only came on this site to get some advice about dealing with his wife, that's all.

Thanks to all of you who helped me work through this.

Maria

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