need advice please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
need advice please help
18
Sat, 05-22-2010 - 8:28pm

I had contact with XAP today. Not in the context of starting affair back but because his wife has sent me a message today. He was very calm about the whole thing just asking me to deny what had gone on between us. I feel so awful about this whole thing. I always knew about her but she wasnt real to me? Does that make sense? But now she is real. She was pleading with me to give her answers. I did not respond to her. What do I say if I do? I decided not to answer. Is that the wrong thing to do? I don't know. I felt her pain in her message. Oh and another thing she pointed out. She said that I was one of the others. THere was more than me. He denied it of course. XAP and I text 3 times today. It was dropped after. I have nothing to say to him. I want to close the door on him.

Please help. I feel so ashamed and I do feel really bad for this lady. I cant believe that I did this. That is going to be a hard pill for me to swallow. I was doing not to bad. Not good but not bad. Today just brought me back to square one.

Why is it that everyone is hurting but XAP??? Angers me.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
Sat, 05-22-2010 - 9:03pm

Hi Live,


Sorry that you are being brought back into the mess by ex-MM and his W.


I'm not sure what advice to give.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Sat, 05-22-2010 - 10:16pm

Dear LLL,

I am so sorry to hear that you are hurting more. It's awful isn't it? The ramifications and consequences of our actions.

Others may disagree - and I am okay with that. I can only speak from my experience. When my xAP's W called me to ask questions, I answered her as honestly as possible without being dramatic. I told her enough so that she could feel validated - I was not going to do what her H was doing - crazy making her. I told her how sorry I was and that there was nothing worse than being denied your own truth.

I also understood that this may very well have made my xAP angry. It was a risk I was willing to take, because like you, I put myself in her shoes. Her vulnerability and pleading needed to be respected - after all the horrific disrespecting of her I had done, I was unable to continue to do so. My xAP always wanted me to deny too if I was ever confronted. What a freaking coward.

My best to you in whatever you decide. Please take care of yourself right now - and take some time to think through your decision before you act. Try and anticipate the consequences of your decision - now is not the time to respond from an emotional place. There is no reason to act quickly. You are so raw right now, and breaking NC with (x)AP today has got to be impacting you.

Now is not the time to align with him. You owe him NOTHING. Do you feel you owe her? Only you can know what you can live with and what is unbearable. Time to start owning up to what you have done in whatever way makes sense for you. You must also be VERY clear in your intentions - you must honestly ask yourself whether or not you want to tell her to break their marriage up. Seriously, dig deep to find this answer and have the courage to acknowledge the answer to this question.

((hugs))

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Sat, 05-22-2010 - 10:16pm

LOL thanks Mickey I needed to hear another point of view. My thoughts are so clouded right now. I am so upset, I dont know what to do. I agree with you on letting the W know. I would like to know as well. I really felt her cry for help. I feel so guilty now. I think I am on the same page as you LOL. I am so angry that he is not hurting in any of this. Everyone around him is. I wont lie when I say this. I thought I should tell her the truth to hurt him. But I also thought how it would hurt his family. Im so confused and feeling so depressed. So much for the positive thinking. :( I still cant believe how non-chalant he was. Also there were OTHERS??? WTF??? I was blown away from this. I thought we shared something real. My fantasy is crashing in on me. So hard to handle. I deserve what I am feeling right now!

Mickey, I felt everyone one of your words..EVERY SINGLE ONE!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Sat, 05-22-2010 - 10:27pm

TU- Thank you for sharing your experience. This is the first Discovery and I am lost. I know for a fact that I dont want to tell her for the reason of breaking up her family. I thought about their kids and how they dont deserve this. I want to tell her because she does deserve the truth. Like you said. XMM will only make her feel like she is the crazy one. Been on that side as well. The worst feeling. When it happens often enough you believe it. I feel for her and that is why I want to come clean. I want to right my wrong. Am I ready for the consequences NO!! I know this is awful but I dont want him to hate me. Why do I care? So awful.

If I do decide to tell her I will spare her the details as that is not needed. She will be upset with the time frame.

You are right I do not owe him anything. I will try and void him out when I decide what to do. I am scared however that more drama would come out of this!

Needed the hugs thank you

LLL

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sat, 05-22-2010 - 10:37pm

LLL,

N the rest of the crew. Revenge will not help anyone. If u do tell her for the right reasons, that is you owning up to ur actions, I could understand that. I did. It made no difference. I don't know what I would do if I had to do it again. I was one of many. Lll, you likely are. He is a coward to ask you to lie. Him you should ignore. Stop any contact. U don't him a thing.

Her, that is something you need to make a decision about. U may be his final straw.

Are u single or m? If s, u r ok. If m, be worried about your new dday. If so, walk away from everyone. Block n walk. All of it.

If u tell her for selfish reasons or for revenge it will only hurt you more. It will hinder your healing process. N it can backfire...bad. Think this out. Carefully. Wait.

The best revenge is moving on n being healthy n happy...let him go. No contact.

Her. That's ur decision.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Sat, 05-22-2010 - 10:48pm

I broke NC today :( I didnt know what to do! I guess it is day one for me again. I am in a really weird stage right now. That is the thing I dont want to hurt anyone. Mind you I did indirectly :( I am S so I have nothing to lose per-say. I did lose myself though. This message really set me back. I figured that is his deal and he can deal with it. But then I thought.. she is not going to get anything out of this coward.

I wonder and maybe I could get some input here. If I dont respond will that raise more questions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sat, 05-22-2010 - 11:55pm

Probably, but I can not be certain. If u choose to respond, I would be honest. U have to make a decision for urself. What can u live with? She will likely not leave him, do not do anything in hopes of that. Do it if u want to for you and her only.

He probably has others, why would u believe anything he says? He is a lying cowardly cheat who asks u to bail him out. He is so damn disrespectful to even ask you.

Do not contact him. It only leads to pain. N more pain.

You may want to just let it all go. Just leave it be. If u do not have to see her, let it go. She knows what she is dealing with. Where there is smoke there is fire. She likely knows what she has at home.

They do not matter. Leave em to their dysfuntion. U r on a different path to take care of you.

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Sun, 05-23-2010 - 12:06am

My gut reaction: leave it alone, don't say anything. If you are forced into a situation with his wife, then perhaps you could just say, I'm sorry, I don't want any part of this.

By backing off and refusing to be part of it, you are defusing the situation IMHO. If you say anything to her or confirm what she thinks, then the drama and crap just continues. If she knows he has had others, then did she do anything about those? What makes knowing about you and the relationship you had with her husband any different? I understand how you feel and how you feel for her. But honestly in this situation, I think it's best to just leave all alone. As for xAP, let him face his mess. He's not hurting cause
he has BTDT before it sounds like. Don't be a doormat for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Sun, 05-23-2010 - 12:14am

You are so right Luvin! I decided to leave it be! No good can come out of it. I will just learn to forgive myself. I will block them both.

And you are so right, I did feel disrespected that he asked me to deny it! My emotions are subsiding now finally. Coming here really helped. Although I was ashamed of making contact.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Sun, 05-23-2010 - 12:21am

:) Just decided to leave it alone! Im so glad to have you ladies here to think with me LOL. Wow what made me upset as well is that he did not apologize to me for the pain I am feeling. He knows how I feel about him. He just wanted me to protect his goods. I have never been treated like this by anyone. I can't believe that I allowed this to happen. Makes you feel so worthless. To find out about the others. That added more upset. This was a game for him. I fell in love. So sad I didnt see him for who he was!

Thank you for the advise that I was in dire need of. I still feel the guilt/pain but I have to overcome that! It hurts so much!

<3

Pages