Need advice...or strong blow to the head

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Need advice...or strong blow to the head
4
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 11:34pm
I’ve been lurking around the board for a while now, but I really need some advice so I thought it was time to come out of hiding. Here’s my dilemma. Hopefully, some one here can help me out.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been having A with a guy from my past. We dated a little several years ago before I was married, but it was during a difficult time in my life and I just wasn’t ready or able to commit to a long-term relationship at the time. We drifted apart, although we saw each other on occasion (he was a frequent customer at the restaurant I was working at during this time.) Once I left there, we lost contact and we hadn’t seen each other for almost five years. Then a chance meeting at the post office a couple of months ago brought us back together and it’s been nothing but a whirlwind since then.

I never intended to start anything with him. We met once for lunch, just to catch up. We talked a few times on the phone. The phone calls got more frequent, we started meeting more often in person, the talking led to kissing, and now we just returned from a weekend alone together in the mountains. It was an incredible time, but I’m having a hard time dealing with all of the guilt and I’m to the point that I just can’t take it anymore. I know that I need to end this now, in order to save my sanity and to protect my marriage. I have a wonderful H that I have been married to for almost 7 years and he would be absolutely devastated to know that this was going on behind his back. We’ve always had an open and trusting relationship and I can’t bear the thought of losing that kind of trust in his eyes. He would never believe that I would do something like this to him. Hell, I can’t believe that I’ve done this to him. I need to stop things now before they get even more out of control.

My dilemma. My other guy is an absolute sweetheart, who has done everything in his power to keep up with me over the years (he is still single). Although he didn’t have an address or phone number, through mutual acquaintances he always managed to keep up with what I was doing. He blames himself for things not working out years earlier and he’s told me numerous times that he’d give anything to go back and change the way things turned out. He’s put me on that proverbial pedestal—I can do no wrong in his eyes and he’s told me that he’s happier now than he’s ever been in his life. He’s made me the center of his world and the thought of ruining all of that for him is tearing me up inside. He has also made comments about me divorcing H to be with him, and although I’ve told him that would not happen, he is still holding out hope that he will manage to change my mind.

I know that I need to end this now because the longer I wait the more painful it will be for both of us, but I know he’s going to be devastated when I tell him. He is a really sweet and wonderful guy and the last thing that I would ever want to do is hurt him, but I just can’t deal with all of the stress and guilt that this is placing on me. So my question is this, how can I go about doing this so that I can “lessen the blow���? How do I do this? What do I say? The words have been on the tip of my tongue so many times, but when I look into his face and see the way he looks at me, I just can’t bring myself to do it. I just don’t know how to find the strength to do what needs to be done and I know I need to do it soon.

Sorry for the long post, but I hope someone out there has some good advice for me. Right now, I need all the help I can get. But if all else fails, just drag out that large, wooden club......

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 9:35am

There really are no magic words that would lesson the pain, he will be hurt. But you have a choice, you can hurt this guy or hurt your husband. Because to continue on this way will lead to you falling deeply in love with this guy and then what? More pain all around as you either break up with your husband or your lover. There will be hurt feelings whatever you do. You have to decide who gets hurt, your husband or your lover...Who is more important to you?


How do you do it? You tell him you don't want to see him anymore. You tell him that if he truly loves you then he will respect your wishes and stay away because you are married. Truth be told, if you have any feelings for him you will also do No Contact because for now, you have no plans on leaving your marriage.


Not for nothing but, in your post you talk about what a great guy your husband is, how much he loves and trusts you. You talk of your guilt over the whole issue and your wanting to end it. On the other hand you also say that your lover is the happiest he's been in a while and that he is very sweet. Does that tell you anything?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 8:39pm
HI WW

I have to agree with the other poster this guy sounds like he has some character defects, way is he not married at this point are involved, whats up with him??

At the very least he is very selfish and has no concern for what pain he will put you and your husband though to get what he wants for now.

Go point by point compare this boy to the man you are married to does he really measure up.

You sound like your trying to rescue a lot puppy, do you want to spend the rest of your life rescueing this boy, stop worring about spareing him worry about loseing the good man that you have.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 11:14pm
you're fine. you messed up. guess what, that's why we're all here! so no blows to the head. as to the blow to HIS heart ...

can you ever "lessen the blow" when your lover WANTS the relationship and you don't? the longer you drag this out, the harder and riskier it becomes for both of you.

you are not doing him any favors by stringing him along when you want your marriage. the unselfish thing would be to end it definitely, once and for all, so he can move on with his life and find someone who will want a real, total, whole relationship with him.

how he deals with the break up is part of his development and learning and becoming a real adult, who's actually ready for healthy relationship -- rather than a fantasy affair with a fantasy woman he's created in his mind who's MARRIED by the way ...

I mean, I know you're terrific -- you sound like a great gal, but like you said "do no wrong"? that's a fantasy. The kindest thing you can do for him is tell him sweetly and lovingly that you want your marriage, that you've enjoyed every minute of this affair but it's time to let it go and move on -- you to your marriage and him to the possibility of something real.

good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 3:55pm
I am in your boat. I am going through the same predicament and feel your pain. Unfortunately I have no advice to give because I am trying to work through it myself, but at least you know you are not alone.

From

Schmuck