Need advice...visit his workplace?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Need advice...visit his workplace?
18
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 12:00pm
Okay, so its been over 2 months of NC.

ExMM called my apartment a couple weeks ago and didn't leave a message.

Thursday, I had a number on caller ID from a restaurant (no message of course). I figured it was him...he was a waiter for most of his life, and had talked about having to go back b/c his current job wasn't going well.

So I called the restaurant and asked if a guy by his name worked there. Why, yes...surprise, surprise.

Why is he calling? He must know I have caller ID and that I'd figure out who it was.

Now I am sorely tempted to go with one of my girlfriends and get a drink there. NOT to get him back...I want him to see how good I look (I've lost 25 lbs since we first met). Since he broke it off w/me, I want to show him what he lost...

Pathetic, I know...

How's THAT for ego????

Just when I think I've put him far from my mind...he goes and calls again...WHY IS HE DOING THIS?


Edited 10/24/2004 12:04 pm ET ET by dallastrigirl

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 5:50pm

"WHY IS HE DOING THIS?"


MHO: because he doesn't respect the boundary you set, same as ignoring the boundaries of his marriage in th efirst place.


Stick to your own world and move on. You already told him to stop calling and he refuses to respect you.


Any "visits" to where he works is still contact, even negative contact. He wants contact, positive or negative.


DON'T cave in.......


otherwise the ending dance just starts all over again for you........


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 8:44pm
Dallas

His motives do not matter, what are your motives, wounded pride ???

Maybe you need to stop focusing on yourself and this guy and get your eyes back on your husband and family, is it really fair for you to be doing this to them AGAIN.

Cut this crap out and get your head on right, you escaped this with nothing worse then a kick in the EGO, keep playing with this and you don't know were it may end.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 1:59pm
I AM focusing on my family...that's the problem. I don't need any reminders of him, including calls.

And what if I have wounded pride? At least I'm honest about it. I'm an imperfect person, sorry, I have feelings that I probably shouldn't. But that doesn't mean they aren't valid.

I'm not sure why I even posted about it...none of us should have the feelings we have about A's or exMM's...so why even have this forum? Shouldn't we all just be doing what has been suggested here...not worry about it and moving on?

Problem is, its not that simple. At least not for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 2:22pm
Dallas, you posted because you wanted advice on whether or not to visit his workplace, right? Free was just trying to get you to *think* about why you would possibly want to do that. IF you really want this A to be over, it is absolutely, positively NOT a good idea, and no one here would tell you otherwise. No one is going to tell you that your feelings are not real and valid -- but we ARE going to tell you when it's not a good idea to ACT on those feelings!

Of course you don't need those phone calls -- so IGNORE THEM. Don't track him down through them! Unless you want to open a new can of worms.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 2:26pm
Of course I know I shouldn't do it...

Not sure what I expected, I guess I try to be helpful here but in reality I suppose we should all just suck it up and move on.

Why are any of us worrying about exMM, the A, or anything if we've decided to go forward? What's the point of discussing it? We all know what we should be doing...NC and focusing on our families. So why bother talking about it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 2:30pm
<>

Because it isn't always easy to do what we know we should be doing. :) So sometimes we need a kick in the rear; sometimes we need to hear it things spelled out in plain English; sometimes it just helps to vent; and sometimes it helps to keep us in "check" if we hold ourselves somewhat accountable to the other people on this board!! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 2:31pm
Oh, I have been in this exact same spot just three weeks ago. I had gone six weeks with no contact and he called me up, no message but enough to let me see the caller ID and know it was him.

I also have my pride and I was feeling fine that he was trying to get my attention after all that time.

So, I called him back, we talked just like old times. We ended up meeting, just like old times. He made his moves on me, I fell for it, just like old times. Then he called me the next day to remind me of how much he wishes he had never met me and how much he loves his wife. OUCH!

If you can save yourself that heartach, then do. If you don't respond to him, he'll eventually get the picture.

This is the hardest part, the no contact. It is NOT that simple to let go. Hold on to your ego, and flaunt that beautiful figure ... just don't waste it on him anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 3:09pm
<>

Oh Shel...thats awful.

I know I'm being petty and egotistical...funny thing is, I'm very insecure about my looks in general and NOT a stuck-up person at all...but exMM brings that out in me. Wounded pride is such a horrible thing...why can't I seem to completely let go of it?

I know if I saw him, it could only make matters worse. I don't want him back. He doesn't want me back, obviously, or he would've done more than just call my apartment and not leave a message. So why do I even want to see him? I guess I am curious, in a way, to see how it would affect me. If I could see him without getting upset, that would be a major step. But I fear it would have the opposite effect, and it would be a huge setback for me...

I am so torn...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 5:30pm
Don't do it Dallas:

The last time I saw MM he was reading the bible to me and telling me he was trying to be a "good person" (stolen from my mouth when I told him I didn't want to continue the affair not a week before)

Then he stopped calling me and I stopped too. When he contacted me a month later "I had been the one who wanted NC" Well I told him I now wanted either action or NC. He chose NC.

All they want is for you to comfort them from their pain--but they won't leave their wives for you. So why should I comfort him and why should you?

Thank God I haven't seen him because I am tired of how bad the pain is when I start over after seeing him. Don't go back to the intense pain again. You have to get better now. I know it is hard. I am sad today about it--but I keep saying in my head--it doesn't hurt, it doesn't hurt AND BELIEVE ME IT IS BIG WHEN I DON'T FEEL THE INTENSE PAIN so just being functional is an absolute blessing for me and I am AFRAID to have MM take it away from me again.

Survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 6:15pm
I know if I do it, I'll regret it...I just have to keep remembering that...

I mean, what good could possibly come of it? He must know that I have caller ID and would put two and two together, but it will still look funny if I showed up there, even if that was his intention. Here comes Dallas again, just like the idiot she was before...coming when called by exMM...pathetic little groupie...

And if we talked, what would we talk about? "Hi, how are you. I'm fine. I'm fine too. Well, nice to see you. Bye." That's totally pointless...or worse, we start arguing about the same old crap. Or even worse, I let him see that I am still hung up on him to a certain extent, and he could care less about me any more.

I definitely won't hear what my heart wants to...that he loves me and misses me, and he's sorry for the way he treated me in the end...yeah, RIGHT! Even if he felt that way, no way in hell would he SAY it.

I gotta stay strong...but its so HARD.


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