Need advise

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Need advise
9
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 4:18pm
I posted here about 6 months ago at the end of an affair. My life went back to normal and I regained everything in my relationship with my husband that was missing during my 2 year affair. The OM and I parted on good terms. He started seriously dating someone, and I was happy for him and thought that it was a perfect opportunity to work on my issues in my marriage head on with no distractions. Well a couple of weeks ago, a mutual friend of the OM contacted me and said the OM had broken up with his girlfriend and called him after drinking and asked to have me call the OM. After much debate, I called him. The conversation went well and stayed on a friendship level. But since then, he is emailing me asking to go out to lunch or hang out sometime. I haven't told him yet but I scheduled some time off tomorrow to meet him for lunch. Before I call him, I need some opinions on what to do????
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: gumblebum
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 4:25pm
My advise is to not go see him and continue to work on your marriage. Do you really want things to lead back to where they were?

JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: gumblebum
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 4:31pm
a part of me does. i miss him sooo much. but at the same token, i worked so hard to let go of the past. it took me at least 3 months to even enjoy having sex with my husband again, where before it was repulsive to me. a lot of it is the attention i get from the om. my husband is a store manager and workes ridiculous hours therefore not able to spend much time with myself and my children. on his free time he is out fishing. that hurts sometimes because i feel so lonely. i have already talked to my husband about that, with not much of a response. because i'm so lonely, it makes me vulnerable to the om. that is why i haven't called him to say i can meet him for lunch. i am afraid that i would be vulnerable enough to end up back in the sack with him. then feel horribly guilty. i know the right answer, but actually sticking to it is the hard part.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: gumblebum
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 6:00pm
Does your H know about your A?

My H works rediculous hours also and it was the lack of attention that lead me to stray. Oh, how I craved the attention I got from XMM. Now that is all behind me. When I feel vulnerable I email my H. He usually can't check it at work, but I think he enjoys the extra attention I am giving him too. I found that the more I opened up to him, the better things became for me. I don't miss XMM at all anymore. He's a neighbor and we work together so I do still see him around, but that is just it. I see him and move on.

I'm a little rushed so I hope this makes sense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: gumblebum
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 6:50pm

Simply put: DON'T GO. You're a lot more than a shoulder to lean on because the relationship didn't pan out for xMM.


You CHOSE to work on your marriage. SO continue to do so until such time (if there ever is one) that the marriage should end.


xMM is being rather manipulative here, particularly since he already knows you made a decision to end your relationship with him to remain in your marriage 100%.


If for some strange reason you can't seem to bring yourself to not go to luch, picture yourself sitting at lunch with your xMM and your husband walks into the restaurant and sees the two of you together. What would you say? How would you explain the lunch? Would you introduce xMM to your husband? If not, why not? And if not, what are you hiding for? My point is that you have lived and continue to live a life without any more secrets from your husband. So why put yourself into the position---again--- to have to think up a story or lie?


Is xMM really worth it? If so then why are you staying in your marriage?


Quit playing both sides and keep your life above board in the open........


jmhMo (just my humble Male opinion)


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: gumblebum
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 9:12am
Oh honey, you've come so far and you're putting your marriage back together. Why ruin that???? You're living a good and right life, working on the issues that took your marriage out, why get distracted? I don't know how difficult it was for you to end this A the first time, but I can't imagine you want to repeat that heartache. I wouldn't see this man again UNLESS I believed that the time and energy I invested in working on my marriage had been a complete and total waste of time and that you would walk away from it all today. If you don't feel that strongly about ending the marriage, I wouldn't test the waters with OM again! JMHO. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: gumblebum
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 9:50am
I wanted to add something to my reply from yesterday now that I have a little more time.

Don't just assume that your H knows what you want. Sometimes it's best to spell it out for him. For years, I left hint after hint as to how unhappy I was, my H didn't pick up on any of it. I finally just came right out and told him that I was so unhappy, felt so unappreciated and even though we have a house full of people I was so lonely. I told him I needed some attention. With the look of shock on his face when I told him this I knew my hints fell on deaf ears. He really had no idea.

H and I had a HUGE communication problem, which we are really working on now. Right before my A started I sat him down one day and told him that if he didn't talk to me, I would find someone who would. His response was "Go ahead, then I won't have to have idle chit chat about nothing with you." This isn't what I wanted to hear and I should have at that point told him of my attraction to XMM and that there was someone in the wings just waiting to give me the attention that I wasn't getting at home. I felt like he had given me permission to have an A. When in all reality he had no clue on how serious I was.

Now whenever we start to fall back to the old way of me feeling unappreciated, I flat out tell him. If something is bothering me, I tell him.

We are the happiest that we have ever been in the 18 years that we have been married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: gumblebum
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:18am
No, my H doesn't know about the A. He would probably leave me without looking back, although he also has had an A. The OM is still a friend of mine, but I am afraid he is under the assumption that things will go back to the way they were. I thought if I went to lunch with him today, and there was any sort of come on, I could tell him how hard I've worked on my relationship with my H and that I couldn't get myself involved again other than a friendship. I am the type of person that I would feel guilty by avoiding it, rather then telling him face to face.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
In reply to: gumblebum
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:21am
It is much easier to give advice than to take it. With that said, I would cancel the lunch plans and keep the nc going. But, if my OM were to ever want contact with me again, I am not sure I would be able to resist it....which is the reason that it is a good thing that he has moved on and never looked back I guess!! No matter what you decide I hope it is the best decision for you!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: gumblebum
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:48am
He knows how you are and telling him face to face is exactly what he wants you to do. He may be counting on the fact that you may not be able to resist him if you were face to face with him. Show him the "new you" that has decided to work on your mairriage and tell him over the phone.

Just a suggestion.