Need advise on how to move on

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Need advise on how to move on
11
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 4:54am

Hello to all, it has been a long time since I've posted here. It has been over a year since I ended my affair. Things have been good. I've moved on with my life and I'm actually content with the way things are in my life right now. Some of you may not know me or remember me so let me give you a very brief update on my situation.

I had been in an affair with a MM for 15 or 16 years. I ended the relationship last year. It was hard, but thing got better for me. Time really does heal almost all wounds. He is still married. Me on the other hand ended my marriage 5 years ago in hopes of building a life with MM. Needless to say he lied to me and never had any intentions of leaving his dear W. This whole thing has taught me some of life's greatest lessons. I'm actually thankful for this affair. I have no bitter feeling towards MM. I'm thankful for the role that he played in my life.

There is one area that I'm really struggling with right now. I can't get past the fact that I will never know the truth. The truth about "why" he did this. The lies.....
even after I gave him several opportunities to come clean and "just" be honest. I don't think he would tell me the truth on his dying bed. It's really mute at this point in the ballgame. Even after a year I can't move past not knowing "why" he did what he did. I honestly know that I will never know. But, how do I move past that, and not let it hurt or get me upset everytime I think of the lies he told?

Thanks
secretluver

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2005
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 8:09am

That is a very long time to be in an A, it's longer than most marriages. I truly am sorry things worked out the way that they did, and you never got any straight answers from your MM.

As to the "why", I think the answer is simple, "Because he could." He has his "family", house, job, and another woman. Perfect set up. Most men can't (or won't) leave for finanacial reasons.

I have a male cousin who is married over 10 years, things started getting bad at home after the second child was born. He tried to talk with his W about the problems, and his unhappiness, and that he couldn't stay if they continued. There was a arguement, she pretty much told him, "You leave, and I will take you to the cleaners." He left the house that night to think things through and cool down. The next day when he came home, she said I called an attorney. Adding, "You can call your own if you want, but he will tell you the same thing; I will get at least half of everything we have, half of everything you ever make, half of your retirement. You will pay me support until the day you drop. So go ahead and file." He contacted an attorney who told him pretty much the same thing. He said he didn't care that much about the money, but loved his three kids and didn't want to be a part time father, and also knew as spiteful as she was, she would make his life, and the childrens' lives utter hell when it was time to visit him. He stayed, he felt he had no choice. I don't know for certain, but I believe he has a "lady friend" on the side, because he is a happy man again, even though the shrew he married has not changed.

In my cousin's mind, he is trapped. Some men are happy only seeing their kids on the weekend, but aren't willing to support and exwife for the rest of their natural lives. If I were a man, it would burn me to support a woman I no longer love, and allow her to have the house I worked for. You know your exMM better than anyone, which do you think it was?

I admire the strength you have to move forward after such a long A, and hope you find a wonderful person who recognizes that you deserve so much more. Personally, I believe he is a coward because he couldn't be decent enough to give you honest answers. Count your blessing you didn't end up with this man. How do you get past his lies? Forgive yourself. Loving someone fully is never anything to regret, even if he was too crippled to be a man.

Warmly
AE




Edited 4/1/2005 9:39 am ET ET by another_evolution
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 9:24am

How do you move on? How do you get past this?


I believe that once you truly accept that you've been betrayed and shaken to your core and accept that for some questions there will never be an answer, then you will already be "moving on".


There is no answer from anyone, including MM, that will resolve his old intentions at stringing you along. And you already know he won't speak truthfully to you.


It's been a year. YOU are the one who has changed. He's still married and most likely looking for another enabler to smooth out his marriage.


Please accept my congratulations for your fortitude on ending such a long time unhealthy relationship.


Life will continue to bring you new opportunities......


cl-nre


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 9:30am

I don't know what the situation is with my exMM, because he has lied so much. That's what I'm saying I can't put the "whole" affair out of my mind, because I don't know the truth. For me to put the "whole" affair out of my mind and continue my life in total peace I need to understand what happened. And I can't understand if he doesn't give me the truth. I can't understand lies, they make no logically sense.

I will NEVER get the truth from him. I've even thought of contacting his wife. If I thought she would tell me the truth I would. We have had several altercations, she knows me so it would be no surprise. She knows about our affair, but she would never tell me anything regarding their relationship. She could never tell me "why" he did what he did. He is the only one that knows "why".

I have got to find some way to get over this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 10:24am

<<>>

Maybe if you expounded on what *exactly* did happen that has you so imprisoned, we could help you. There are many of us here that are now out of our affairs who could throw some light on your anguish.

<>>

There is nothing logical to lies to begin with. People usually lie out of *fear*. If you can figure out this man's fears (losing his family, or public image, etc.), then you will understand his lies. What is it that you are not believing? That he loved you? What? What truth is it that you are waiting for him to give you?

Just know that some people have no idea what the truth is because they've lied so much, they've lost sight of what it was.

Id

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 10:39am

He has his own issues and problems or he would not have been in this situation. Even if you knew why, what would it change? It all still happened. Do you think it would give you peace of mind to have an explanation? Peace of mind comes from forgiving yourself. You feel betrayed that someone you trusted, loved and did so much for was just using you. You wonder how he could not truly love you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You want to know his reasons because you are hoping that the guy you loved was a good guy and not some loser. He is just human, so are you. You did what you did out of your reasons and motives and so did he. If he is not going to change he will not be willing to examine his own reasons or motives too closely.

For me this was the final step of letting go. It was the acceptance that I was used. I was an active participant and I allowed him to treat me that way. It was when I took him off of the pedestal I had him on and saw him as a real person. I saw all of his weaknesses that I had denied or made excuses for before. I still love him but I can see the man he really is. I did what I did out of the feelings I had and I really don't regret that. What he did is on him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 10:53am

There are 15 or 16 years worth of details it just too many. But, I'll give you the basics.

He literally left his wife 5 times. Moved out of the house, the whole 9 yards. One of those times he moved in with me and my mother. He always ended up going back to her. He only gave me excuses. I could see right through them. There has to be more to why he went back than what he has told me. Here are some of his excuses.
---->It was to much stress for his daughter (at the time she was 6) okay, I believed that.
---->Then he moved out again about a year later. This time he moved into my mom's rent house. He ended up going back to his wife, because he said he couldn't afford to live on his own.
---->So, about a year later he moved out again. This time into his own apartment. I lived there on the weekend. So, I totally bought everything for the apartment. He ended up going back to his wife. This time he said his dying father asked him to give his marriage one more change. During this time he was seperated from his wife I found out he was seeing two other women including me.
---->He leaves again, and moves in with his niece. And, he ended up moving back in with his wife. He said because he had gotten laid off his job, he just couldn't afford to live on his own. Well, I know that is a lie.....when he got laid off his job, he got his retirement, severance pay, unemployment. He got over 20K and couldn't afford an $350/month apartment until he found something else which was 6 months. He said he took that money and set up a college fund for his daughter.
---->The last we talked he told me that he was living with his friend, but his car was parked daily in his wife's driveway.

I have asked him over to just tell me what he wants. He says he wanted us to be together, but he was making no effort to leave his wife. To me it is obvious that he never had any intentions of us being together.

I just want to know the real reason he keeps going back to her. I totally understand finances, or whatever is going on with him to make him not want to leave. I just want to know why he didn't tell me himself the "truth".

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 11:44am

My guess is that he kept returning to his wife because he *DID* miss his family. She may have threatened to take his child away for good. He has lied to you because he did not want you to see how weak he really is, or hurt you by having to tell you that he still loved and wanted his family even though he cared about you too. IOW, he wanted to keep his foot in both of your doors.

I would also guess, that once his wife knew about you, she gave him an ultimatum. Her or you. Most of these MM's are weak in character and flounder aimlessly back in forth, unable to make a decision, biting off more than they could ever chew. Someone always gets spit out..and 99% of the time it's the OW. He didn't want to lose you, so he offered you off the cuff excuses as to why he moved back home. (What we call a fence-sitter). Telling you that he picked his family over you was just too difficult for him. I'm sorry, but he will never be able to tell you any truths, because he can't face them.

Has he ever apologized for hurting you? If not, then he is still clueless in what he has done, or *HE* has such a huge ego, he will never admit to his failings.

Do you still love him? If this is the case, you will always be in pain as to how things ended until you can completely open your eyes to the bare-naked truth of affairs...that being: They are founded on lies. There was no truth to begin with which means you were in love with a man who never really existed. It was the idea of him that captured your heart.

I hope you will find some peace,

Id

 

Avatar for alice700
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 12:49pm
Secret,
I think the most revealing part of your post was when you mentioned that once when XMM moved out, he had two other women in addition to you. So he cheated on YOU, also??? Wow. I bet he didn't want to leave his wife for the following reason. My guess is that on some level he knew enough about himself to realize that soon you would become the "wife" that he needed to cheat on. IOW, the characters would change but the behavior would stay the same.
Affairs are logically destined to fail for the obvious reason that why would we want to try to have a monogamous relationship with a guy who has already demonstrated he's a cheater? My XOM of course swore that he would never cheat on me, and that if we had married way back when, he wouldn't have cheated on me. But How can I ever know that to be true? My honest hunch is that eventually even I would have become the "wife" who "didn't like sex", "didn't fulfill his emotion/intellectual/recreational/you-name-it needs", as much as I like to flatter myself to believe that I would have been his perfect mate.
Just my 2 cents, as Max would say,
Alice
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 2:30pm

{{{{{{{{{istmekc}}}}}}}}}}}}}

this thread has been a personally agonizing one for me as well ...I won't go into details. (we all have a story that is slightly different but the same it seems). Your words in your post previous have helped me tremendously. I am so confused and can't move on in my mind for many reasons even outside of this wacky relationship I had...such a wierd 6 months for me...i thought I am going to go insane with introspection of everything in my life. Its far too quiet and I am not used to this yet have been alone before for many times in my life...wish this wasn't one of those "didn't know what I was missing" ...ignorance was bliss times.

just wanted to say thank you for that post. I need to read it "fiddyhunnerd" times this weekend i think.

God...this is the time where I am so grateful for the internet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Fri, 04-01-2005 - 11:42pm
I'm glad if it helped I wasn't sure about sharing that. Feel free to email me anytime kjcooper6@hotmail.com. I had a work function. XMM was there we actually talked quite a few times and he was a friend concerned and supportive it was so nice. Then he called me on the way home and I couldn't talk and today I thought of calling him, but wasn't seriously tempted. The intensity, the longing, is not nearly as strong as it used to be. Also I keep trying to have faith that things work out the way they are supposed to. I am concentrating on myself. I do miss the excitment and the way I felt so sexy but I don't miss feeling confused and guilty.

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