Need a big push

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Need a big push
9
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 8:56pm
I am just really shaky right now and need a push before I do something stupid. H just left to go "have a few beers", which he has been doing regularly in the last 3 wks. I just don't know how much more I can take of this. I know it is my fault, but how much of this pain and torture is he going to dish out? Or is this really it, he is acting like he doesn't care because he doesn't?

Everything was fine tonight, we ate together as a family and then we were watching a show with DD. H was falling asleep on the chair and told me he was tired because he didn't get much sleep today. I went to put DD to bed and when I came downstairs he was just leaving, when I asked why he said because I want to, but I won't be home late. I thought I was doing so good, I have been able to eat a little here and there but forget it now there isn't any use trying to eat anymore everytime I do I get upset and stressed again. How much patience and time?

All he said about counseling on Monday was that the counselor wants a joint session next Mon and I have to make the appt Thurs when I go. I think what is hurting the most now is that alone feeling, I just want a hug, I want someone to hold me and tell me that I'll be ok. I don't want to feel this pain anymore, I just want to curl up and eveything goe away. I know one phone call and that can happen, but I am trying to hard to push that thought away.

I have to go for now, sorry to vent.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 9:23pm
Daf

If that one phone call is to XOM then what will go away will not be your pain but your family, that one call will be the end of your family /marriage and all hope of recoveing from this, your pain and your shame will be multiplied many times over.

Has it crossed your mind that your husband is drinking to drown HIS PAIN, sorry but you can't just make this go away it does not work like that this is going to take some real time, you spent 18 months blowing holes in your husbands love and trust repairing them is going to take a lot longer then 9 weeks, think 1 to 3 years.

I know I will be accused of being harsh/blunt/unsupportive etc... for saying this but you need to end the pity party and deal with the reality that if you want your marriage to recover your going to have to keep your sh$t in a nice neat pile and hold your nose until the stink goes away over the course of time, there are no short cuts here, you have be prepared to do what you have to as long as you have to, and no amount of self pity is going to change that.


In the short term make the appointment with the MC and don't do anything your going to spend the next 30 to 50 years wishing you had not done.


Sorry no huggy kissies but you remain in my thoughts and prays daily.

Here is a web site you maty find useful

http://www.smartmarriages.com/infidelity.resources.html

Free


Edited 11/9/2004 10:07 pm ET ET by mefreenow

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
In reply to: daf101a
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 9:38pm
next time, he goes for beers, arrange for a babysitter beforehand and go with him. just a thought.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 9:17am
Thanks Free, You are one of the reasons that instead of acting on how I felt I posted because I knew that you or Posie or Mom would set me straight. H came home at 11:30 and it got worse, he says he is sleeping on the couch because he feels more comfortable there. It hurts, it cuts, but what can I do. You know everyone says, make a date, spend time with him, etc., etc. I don't think that people understand that right now H needs to do what he is doing, I do realize that as hard as it is to accept. It is killing me inside and H knows that but I do not say anything to him because I know I am the one the caused the hurt in him so I must deal with what comes my way.

I haven't made that phone call even though all night I thought about it. It was another reason I posted here because I knew just saying it that (1) it would make it real and the situation real and (2) someone like you would give me the push out of this "self pity". The conversation in my head went something like I can have the physical comfort and closeness I need but in reality I want it only from H. I don't want any of that from xOM, of that I am positive. Turning to xOM won't accomplish anything but make my life worse then it already is and I won't take that chance.

You know I don't know what is going thru H's mind because he is like a robot now, there is no emotion and everything is cut and dry. He has been secreative about some calls that he has gotten (even erasing caller ID) and he never leaves his wallet or cell phone where he usually did, BUT I do know I can't say anything about it. I however leave my stuff all out in the open so if he chooses to look thru things I have nothing to hide. All symptoms of what I have done and I know I have to live like this. Its not easy and I try with all my might not to have that self pity but sometimes I just get overwhelmed that's all. I feel like I am cracking and dying inside and that my life is spinning out of control and I can't do anything to get that back. You know I always prided myself on being independent, of being always in control and now, that is all gone. I am finding out in IC that those were all part of the bigger problem.

So Free, I really don't care what others think, I want you to be tough with me and push me, I know that you wouldn't do it if you didn't care and didn't want to help and I thank you for it. I gotta run for now.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 9:26am
Daf

Your welcome.

Your life is not spinning out of control so much as it is now in somebody elses control, it sounds like your hubby is trying to feel powerfull and let you feel the insecutity he did for weeks or months leading up to your exposure.

Daf there are many things that we think we NEED but they are often things we really WANT, learning the difference can give you real power over your URGES.

Got to go to work, bills to pay ya know.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 9:35am
Here's a great, big cyber (((((((hug))))))) comin' at ya. There, now isn't that better than contacting XOM???????? LOL. No harm done this way, eh??? I know I sound like a broken record, but I do still believe there's hope for you and your marriage yet.

I got a chuckle from PG's advice to get a sitter and go with him, even tho it might not be the best thing to do. I've tried a number of times to put myself in my DH's place and think about the incredible feeling of abandonment they must go thru and I'm actually unable to do it. I CANNOT imagine the searing betrayal they must feel. Like True said, this is gonna take some time to undo.

I'm sure all those picky little things like him not leaving his cellphone and wallet where he used to, etc., are driving you nuts, but I think the best thing you can do is continue to reassure him with your words and actions until he gets this out of his system.

And whenever you think that "hug" waiting from XOM will take away your pain, THINK AGAIN. Hug your kid, hug a stranger for that matter (unless of course that hug will result in another EMA (LOL, just kidding), but not XOM. Instant gratification will not serve you well here. Hold out for that heartfelt hug from your DH, it will be so worth it when it finally comes.

I'm cheering for you, DAF. Hang in there, keep venting if you need to, we're here to help you thru this. Love, hugs, prayers and positive vibes, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: daf101a
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 10:17am
Hi there Daf,

DONT DO IT. Remeber what you are trying to work towards at this very moment. Your husband,your life,your family,YOUR SANITY.

Picking up that phone can cause you to completely destroy everything you are trying to work so hard for. You have come this far, dont blow it. The positive is that Hubby is going to counseling still, He is still at home, and now you are going to have a joint session with your therapist, I would say that is some progress. Remember that H is hurting and in his own ways he is just trying to cope with whats happened. Hang in there, there can be light at the end of the tunnel if you have some patience. I know it is easier said then done, but god does not give us trials in our lives that we are not capable of handling. Whatever the outcome be strong, for yourself and your children. EVERYTHING IN LIFE HAS SOLUTIONS, It is up to you to know how to solve them.

Many HUGS for you

Ladybug

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
In reply to: daf101a
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 11:02am
(((DAF))), I don't have many words of advice for your situation; people like Free are much better equipped to help you out. But I wanted you to know that even if I don't say much, my heart goes out to you and I am keeping my fingers crossed that all will eventually work out with your H. Hang in there!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
In reply to: daf101a
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 12:58pm
mo, i mentioned the going out with H thing because i have seen on betrayed spouses board that the time right after the D-day is the make or break day where the emotions are at the highest, where the BS really wants the WS to reach out to them although on the exterior the BS is pushing away the wandering spouse (and showing all sorts of anger) but in hearts of hearts they want the WS to REACH OUT to them and tell them that everything will be ok and that they are loved. i have observed that if the WS responds, reaches out, continually tries to get in contact with BS and tell them that they are loved, the love in BS's heart does not get irreversibly tarnished. it can be rebuilt. but if this reaching out is not done in time, there is that irreversible damage that is caused right after d-day. so i really think that no matter how much the BS tells you that they hate you, want you to be away, you got to reach out if you want to preserve the love in BS's heart. i know that DAF has her R spoilt with her MIL too since she left the kids with her when she met with xOM and H has disclosed everything to MIL. so i thought a scheme. that maybe this could be a good opportunity to kill two birds with a stone. tell MIL that H is going out for beers a lot and that DAF wants to be with him, make it up to him (and protect him from any other women of course - no need to disclose that though) and that if MIL could help with the babysitting. maybe this will open flood gates for communication or re-bonding between her and DAF too. i know just a thought again. hope DAF doesn’t hate me for it.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 1:28pm
PG,

I don't hate you. In theory I understand what you are saying and it might have worked. We are 9 wks past D-day and none of the spending time together thing is going to work. I have tried over and over and all I get is pushed away (literally). I can't even get a hug anymore.

As for the MIL thing, DD was left at my MIL not so that I could see xOM but because of child care issues, between H's work schedule and mine and DD having to be at activities. My seeing xOM when she was with my MIL was just my using the opportunity of having that time alone with xOM. My DS was away all summer with his father. My MIL called me yesterday to talk about Xmas for the kids and she never brought any of what H told her up. So either she is remaining neutral because her and I were close or she is just choosing to stay out of it. (Little history H's father cheated on my MIL for 5 years before he left her, H was 13 at the time to go and be with his GF {now W}.) Right now I believe the best thing is to let H act like he wants and not say anything. I won't get anyone else involved to create time with H, maybe in time and I know my MIL would jump to watch DD but right now I have to trust the counselor and the steps she is giving me.

Everyone keeps saying Patience and I am trying very hard, I just feel so overwhelmed right now. I have counseling tomorrow which is good because I really need it. PG anytime you want I welcome your input.

DAF