Need a big push
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| Tue, 11-09-2004 - 8:56pm |
Everything was fine tonight, we ate together as a family and then we were watching a show with DD. H was falling asleep on the chair and told me he was tired because he didn't get much sleep today. I went to put DD to bed and when I came downstairs he was just leaving, when I asked why he said because I want to, but I won't be home late. I thought I was doing so good, I have been able to eat a little here and there but forget it now there isn't any use trying to eat anymore everytime I do I get upset and stressed again. How much patience and time?
All he said about counseling on Monday was that the counselor wants a joint session next Mon and I have to make the appt Thurs when I go. I think what is hurting the most now is that alone feeling, I just want a hug, I want someone to hold me and tell me that I'll be ok. I don't want to feel this pain anymore, I just want to curl up and eveything goe away. I know one phone call and that can happen, but I am trying to hard to push that thought away.
I have to go for now, sorry to vent.
DAF

If that one phone call is to XOM then what will go away will not be your pain but your family, that one call will be the end of your family /marriage and all hope of recoveing from this, your pain and your shame will be multiplied many times over.
Has it crossed your mind that your husband is drinking to drown HIS PAIN, sorry but you can't just make this go away it does not work like that this is going to take some real time, you spent 18 months blowing holes in your husbands love and trust repairing them is going to take a lot longer then 9 weeks, think 1 to 3 years.
I know I will be accused of being harsh/blunt/unsupportive etc... for saying this but you need to end the pity party and deal with the reality that if you want your marriage to recover your going to have to keep your sh$t in a nice neat pile and hold your nose until the stink goes away over the course of time, there are no short cuts here, you have be prepared to do what you have to as long as you have to, and no amount of self pity is going to change that.
In the short term make the appointment with the MC and don't do anything your going to spend the next 30 to 50 years wishing you had not done.
Sorry no huggy kissies but you remain in my thoughts and prays daily.
Here is a web site you maty find useful
http://www.smartmarriages.com/infidelity.resources.html
Free
Edited 11/9/2004 10:07 pm ET ET by mefreenow
PG
I haven't made that phone call even though all night I thought about it. It was another reason I posted here because I knew just saying it that (1) it would make it real and the situation real and (2) someone like you would give me the push out of this "self pity". The conversation in my head went something like I can have the physical comfort and closeness I need but in reality I want it only from H. I don't want any of that from xOM, of that I am positive. Turning to xOM won't accomplish anything but make my life worse then it already is and I won't take that chance.
You know I don't know what is going thru H's mind because he is like a robot now, there is no emotion and everything is cut and dry. He has been secreative about some calls that he has gotten (even erasing caller ID) and he never leaves his wallet or cell phone where he usually did, BUT I do know I can't say anything about it. I however leave my stuff all out in the open so if he chooses to look thru things I have nothing to hide. All symptoms of what I have done and I know I have to live like this. Its not easy and I try with all my might not to have that self pity but sometimes I just get overwhelmed that's all. I feel like I am cracking and dying inside and that my life is spinning out of control and I can't do anything to get that back. You know I always prided myself on being independent, of being always in control and now, that is all gone. I am finding out in IC that those were all part of the bigger problem.
So Free, I really don't care what others think, I want you to be tough with me and push me, I know that you wouldn't do it if you didn't care and didn't want to help and I thank you for it. I gotta run for now.
DAF
Your welcome.
Your life is not spinning out of control so much as it is now in somebody elses control, it sounds like your hubby is trying to feel powerfull and let you feel the insecutity he did for weeks or months leading up to your exposure.
Daf there are many things that we think we NEED but they are often things we really WANT, learning the difference can give you real power over your URGES.
Got to go to work, bills to pay ya know.
Free
I got a chuckle from PG's advice to get a sitter and go with him, even tho it might not be the best thing to do. I've tried a number of times to put myself in my DH's place and think about the incredible feeling of abandonment they must go thru and I'm actually unable to do it. I CANNOT imagine the searing betrayal they must feel. Like True said, this is gonna take some time to undo.
I'm sure all those picky little things like him not leaving his cellphone and wallet where he used to, etc., are driving you nuts, but I think the best thing you can do is continue to reassure him with your words and actions until he gets this out of his system.
And whenever you think that "hug" waiting from XOM will take away your pain, THINK AGAIN. Hug your kid, hug a stranger for that matter (unless of course that hug will result in another EMA (LOL, just kidding), but not XOM. Instant gratification will not serve you well here. Hold out for that heartfelt hug from your DH, it will be so worth it when it finally comes.
I'm cheering for you, DAF. Hang in there, keep venting if you need to, we're here to help you thru this. Love, hugs, prayers and positive vibes, Mo.
DONT DO IT. Remeber what you are trying to work towards at this very moment. Your husband,your life,your family,YOUR SANITY.
Picking up that phone can cause you to completely destroy everything you are trying to work so hard for. You have come this far, dont blow it. The positive is that Hubby is going to counseling still, He is still at home, and now you are going to have a joint session with your therapist, I would say that is some progress. Remember that H is hurting and in his own ways he is just trying to cope with whats happened. Hang in there, there can be light at the end of the tunnel if you have some patience. I know it is easier said then done, but god does not give us trials in our lives that we are not capable of handling. Whatever the outcome be strong, for yourself and your children. EVERYTHING IN LIFE HAS SOLUTIONS, It is up to you to know how to solve them.
Many HUGS for you
Ladybug
PG
I don't hate you. In theory I understand what you are saying and it might have worked. We are 9 wks past D-day and none of the spending time together thing is going to work. I have tried over and over and all I get is pushed away (literally). I can't even get a hug anymore.
As for the MIL thing, DD was left at my MIL not so that I could see xOM but because of child care issues, between H's work schedule and mine and DD having to be at activities. My seeing xOM when she was with my MIL was just my using the opportunity of having that time alone with xOM. My DS was away all summer with his father. My MIL called me yesterday to talk about Xmas for the kids and she never brought any of what H told her up. So either she is remaining neutral because her and I were close or she is just choosing to stay out of it. (Little history H's father cheated on my MIL for 5 years before he left her, H was 13 at the time to go and be with his GF {now W}.) Right now I believe the best thing is to let H act like he wants and not say anything. I won't get anyone else involved to create time with H, maybe in time and I know my MIL would jump to watch DD but right now I have to trust the counselor and the steps she is giving me.
Everyone keeps saying Patience and I am trying very hard, I just feel so overwhelmed right now. I have counseling tomorrow which is good because I really need it. PG anytime you want I welcome your input.
DAF