NEED DESPERATE ADVISE...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
NEED DESPERATE ADVISE...
3
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 10:11am

Well we went to the wedding on saturday. things with dh had not been good but he decided he would go with me.

during the wedding i told om that i really cared about him but that was it.

i later drank got drunk at the wedding. towards the end of the party i danced on stage with the bride-to a hip hop song, and dh got mad. he told me i was trash. told him F----you and he left.

after the party we went to the honeymoon suite. the guys were gong to get bottles to make more drinks. i went with om to my room to get a vodka bottle. while in the room we held each other and he kissed me. i told him i wanted him but he told me he couldnt. i then asked him if what we did meant something to him and he said yes. we didnt do anthing else and left back to their room.

dh and i talked. we were trying to make it better when i told him i had gone to the room with om and he got upset. dh does not know about the A, but he has always been jealous of om. dh told me today that it was over that he coud not trust me again or live with me knowing all that has happened.

i feel VERY lost. i know that i lost an important person in my life and the father of my kids. i feel i failed the kids. i feel very sad and dont know what to do next.

i hate that i dont have any feelings for dh. i see everything ending my world collapsing in front of me and i have no feelings.

i hate myself for failing my kids and i need desperate help

thanks for listening.

upsidedown

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 11:09am
I need to tell you right now that you do not need to let yourself get so low. You are not a failure. If your husband feels this way and can't forgive you, then let him go. I'm sure that he has made mistakes and you have had to forgive him for stuff. If he cannot deal with this, then let him go. You do not need to stay with him if he cannot forgive and move on. You would only be miserable with him and that is not fair to anyone. I am sure that he is hurting and it would take counseling and lots of work to repair the damege, but if he is not willing to do that, then let him go. It would be better for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 7:52pm

USD

I can only assume that your husband at least suspects that you cheated on him with the OM, Lets hope he does not get drunk and tell the new bride.

Unlike the other poster I think the linch pin here is not your husband but you, you with the help of a good professional need to go look for your feelings there in there somewere, nut just your feelings about your husband but your feelings about "YOU", your affair was about you I believe not about XOM or your husband, I think you need to start at the beginning were ever that is and work you way through it all the answers you need are all to be found in you.

peace and freedom

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Mon, 11-22-2004 - 9:43pm

I agree with free, the numbness you describe is about you. You have been through so much you have shut down your feelings to protect yourself.

I am going through the same with a professional. MM convinced me we had a future, I told my H, my H wanted to work it out, MM moved out of his house told his wife (his idea to prove he loved me enough to leave), Now MM misses his kids and wants to reconcile with wife.

I am numb, because now my H says he feels nothing for me, it is too late. I feel I let my H, my kids, and myself down for WHAT??? Heartache....at the hands of a selfish man. I am convinced that is what these men who have affairs do to avoid thier own pain and boost their own ego...they meet their needs at the expense of two women they claim to "love".

This doesn't feel like love to me...it just hurts so bad...it leaves you numb and confused. My 2 cents: Get some counceling about WHY YOU had the affair. You and your kids deserve that much. I feel like I can't possibly be a good mother with this hurt and rejection making me so numb...and keeping myself obsessed with a love I will never have...and probably don't even want.