Need a dope slap
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|Sun, 01-27-2013 - 12:20pm|
So, as you know, big concert last night, the annual benefit concert at my church. xAP, I knew, would be there with new GF, playing in the band I used to share with him. Dress rehearsal Friday night, gig Saturday night. Spoiler alert: Nothing happened, really. I stayed far away from him--in a polite not-calling-attention-to-myself way. But he did come over where I was sitting reading a book and drinking coffee and wished me luck on my performance that weekend, and I said thank you.
Right before I left with H for the actual gig last night, my father called me and we had a very painful conversation (he is losing his cognitive abilities and is really angry at me and my brothers for wanting him to move into assisted living--that's another whole depressing subject). So I wasn't in a great mood on the drive over. And we drove into the driveway of my church and had to wait as xAP and GF exited their shared car and crossed in front of us headed for the meetinghouse. I burst into tears, finally. Fortunately my H knew about the conversation with my dad, and he knows enough to know that I have avoided xAP for over a year, and he knows enough about why. Put it that way. I got my act together and wiped my face and went and washed up before I joined the rest of them.
Other than that, the only really bad moment was while some other band was doing a sound check and I looked across the room at him, and xAP was looking at me. And he waved, on the down low. And I didn't. I just looked for another half a moment and then looked away.
Got through the gig just fine, it went well. Went to the after-party, and he was there, with GF. They stood next to each other the whole time. Whatever. I mingled and had booze on a very empty stomach. And left with H.
Now I am obsessing that I should have waved back to xAP. I know this is stupid. I don't want him to think I'm deliberately being mean to him. But I guess I am. I don't want to be anywhere he is. I'm terrified he will start coming back to church regularly (his GF has recently started showing up at choir, and I'm afraid he will follow--and there are only maybe a dozen of us in it, and I have many many memories of Meaningful Glances being exchanged between the alto and the tenor sections--Oh, God, I'm not sure I could take that).
I hate his guts and I guess I still care about him and I have been doing so much better in the past almost 14 months. But it's so hard to see him. Makes me want to write him and say--What? I'm sorry I didn't wave back to you. I just have a very hard time being in the same room as you. Please don't come back into my life, i couldn't bear it. But I hope you find happiness.
Yeah, maybe I mean some of that.
Anyway, I expect I won't write him. What would that get me? Anxious waiting for a reply, guilt at breaking nearly 14 months of NC, and there's nothing he could say that would make me feel better.
but should I have waved back?