Need encouragement

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Need encouragement
4
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 11:40am
I'm having my 3rd bad day in a row - in terms of xMM. I was doing so well and I don't know what happened, now I'm all sad and weepy again. I'm angry, frustrated and I miss him. We left it that I would hear from him again when things settle down. Today I'm feeling like I just want to know if we will be real friends again. Because if not, then I want to know. I want to get all my grieving done and over with NOW. Not have to go through it several times until the certainty of our future (or lack of one) finally comes out. I will never be satisfied with hearing from him every few months, if that's his intention. I wrote him a letter saying all of this and asking if it's even in his heart to WANT to be friends with me, but I don't think I will send it. Not yet.

I want to be the strong one. When we talk next I want it to be because HE wants to (though I'm afraid he'll realize he doesn't.) I know.....I deserve better and should just forget about him. I just haven't been able to get him off my mind. I'm doing all the things I'm "supposed" to do to get healthy again. I do things for me, I spend time with family and friends, I'm trying to get back in shape, I'm in therapy, etc. But nothing helps get rid of thoughts of him, especially when I have "alone time". I'm at the point now where I fill up my evenings with errands and whatever else, just so I don't have time to think about him but when I stop because I'm exhausted, I think of him. Work is a killer too. We are at a really slow time and I have nothing to do BUT think of him. I play computer games, I visit the boards, email my friends, etc. But still there he is!!!

I'm so tempted to send him the email I wrote....but I need some encouragement not to! Part of me doesn't want to....it's not the right time. The other part says I deserve to know....but the only person making me hurt right now is myself because I overanalyze things and think about it too much. He needs time, I know. I love him enough to honor that. I'm just being my own worst enemy here.

I'm sorry I needed to vent the past few days. I hope nobody is getting tired of reading it. I know there is nothing "new" anyone could probably say, I just needed to let it out and this is my outlet (which is better than using HIM!) Thank you all for reading and being encouraging.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 1:24pm
It's really hard to not understand what they are thinking, but this advice has gotten me thru some times. You've probably read it too, but it's worth repeating.

"I'd love to be able to get inside of a man's brain and understand why this happens, what they think and why they seem to handle it and not get so emotional like alot of women do. "

Seems to my male perspective on life that being a woman is complicated enough, so why try getting into a man's brain? We're wired different. Sometimes it comes down to a "rules is rules" mentality and perspective. There are a lot of woman-based thought processes and reactions that I as a male simply cannot understand, so I merely accept that there is a difference and respect it. Try it yourself in reverse.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Just try as hard as you can, hour by hour to get through it. You will!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 3:41pm
You're not alone JM in your pain and struggles--just know that. I am humbled by your posts--as far as I'm concerned--post away all you want and need. I wish I could be as honest as you are with my thoughts and feelings. I know I do feel better when I do share of my feelings of loss, fear, hopelessness, and confusion. I did feel better after posting yesterday, and today is a better day for it I'm sure. I thank you for your friendship, and I hope I can do the same for you.

A friendship with you may be very very difficult for him at his point. I can relate and I do feel maybe I can understand both sides. I want to try and be friends with my xMM, his email asked the same questions you are asking, but I know my love and especially my lust for him will get in the way. I'm also so confused at this point, and I hate to hurt him by stringing him along with my uncertainty--this would be very selfish of me--he is so good for my ego. Maybe sometime l-o-n-g in the future--but even then I can't help but think it would a difficult road for me to tread. I appauld those that can do it. I'm just not strong enough to handle friendship after love/lust was shared.

However, I did tell my xMM we can "try" the friendship road, but there are no guarantees, and with that small decision, I can't help but feel I'm still holding on to something that just cannot be. I feel I'm being unfair to him and to myself, and have no doubt just added more pain to the situation by allowing it to drag on via the pretext of a friendship. Oh, I'm not saying I won't give it my best effort, or I that I won't be able to love him as a friend, but it's just so difficult and painful a process for me.

As soon as I feel the process is not working, and it is causing more pain to both of us--it will have to end--but a major part of me can't help but feel this may be a way for us to put closure on what we had. So, a part of me will do it for both of us--a way to say goodbye--a way to say yes I love you, but you and I know this will inevitably have to end. Wishful thinking ya think? I don't know--I wish I did.

These are just my thoughts. I thank you for letting me share them. ~ifm

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 4:42pm
(((jessesmom))) - Do not send him the e-mail! I am sure that it is *very* tempting, especially if you feel that you haven't had closure. But just know that it may do more harm than good if you do send it. OM is liable to misinterpret your gesture of friendship as one of trying to resume the A, or worse, as one of not respecting his wishes and giving him space.

If and when he decides to contact you, it will be your choice as to whether to resume any kind of relationship with him. For now, focus on yourself, and if it makes you feel better, e-mail what you wrote to yourself, or post it here, but do not send it to him!

Just my 2 cents.

:)

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 7:35pm
Circe is right, jessesmom, don't do it. Go ahead and save it if you want to, and tell yourself you can always send it tomorrow if you absolutely feel like you have to. But you will definitely regret sending it. Trust me, because I have done that. In my case, my frustration over that and over his insufficient response is what finally pushed me to find this board -- so I do look at it as a blessing. But I regretted sending it the moment I hit "send." Ugh.

Since then, I have written him MANY emails, just as therapy for myself. I'm glad I never sent them, though. I can hold my head up high now that *he* was the last one to break contact, a month later; I sort of feel like I've held onto a little bit of dignity.

You're just going through a down time. Like MeFreeNow told me yesterday, every time we fight through these bad times & temptations without giving in to them, we become stronger and closer to getting over this. You can do it!