When you found out about the co-workers, were you 'on' or 'off' with him? I think you should read the thread "LC at work" (Less Contact). I'll see if I can find it and bump it up for you. You can find it in the Healing Library. It's on the EAS website and you have to scroll down a little to see it.
I know how tough LC is. I wish you could NC (No Contact) but in your situation (and mine neither! My xAP is a neighbor) you have to go LC.
If I were you, I would avoid xAP from now on. And IF you happen to see him and he wants to talk to you about work, you reply and then you continue with what you were doing (walking/ typing on the computer/ and so on)
I don't think you need to tell him that you found out about the other affairs. I think your much colder behavior will tell him all he needs to know.
I bumped it up for you, Jananna. You should also read the MM Code Book. For this you also have to scroll down a little. It's very funny and it never fails to make me laugh (even if I feel very miserable!)
I know what you mean about desperately wanting to believe he really cared. The thing is, I'm not sure they are really capable of caring about anyone but themselves. I realize that we are not perfect and were in this for a little ego boost too, but I don't think it's the game for us that it is for them. Last I checked games were supposed to be fun and I, for one, am not having ANY fun and haven't for quite some time!
I also understand wanting to call him out about his bad behavior. And, believe me, I'm tempted all the time to email him some long message about what I know or what I think of him, but you know what keeps me from doing that? I KNOW it won't affect him AT ALL. He simply won't care...it won't hurt him...it won't change his behavior...it won't benefit me in any way at all in the long run...and, here's the main reason...all it would do is stroke his ego even more and I refuse to do that for him even one more freaking time!!!!
If you react to this news, he will know it bothers you and if it bothers you, it means you still care, and it gives him the satisfaction of knowing that he still has that control over your emotions. Even though it might feel like you are taking control by sending an email, you would really be giving the control to him. The best revenge is not letting on that he matters. They don't act like we matter and look how much that hurts us...so give him that same indifference back.
I'm convinced that the ONLY way to "hurt" them is to hit them right square in their huge inflated egos and the best way to do that is by ignoring them and everything they do--even if you're crying inside, don't let him know! Plus,
Hey Jananna,
When you found out about the co-workers, were you 'on' or 'off' with him? I think you should read the thread "LC at work" (Less Contact). I'll see if I can find it and bump it up for you. You can find it in the Healing Library. It's on the EAS website and you have to scroll down a little to see it.
I know how tough LC is. I wish you could NC (No Contact) but in your situation (and mine neither! My xAP is a neighbor) you have to go LC.
If I were you, I would avoid xAP from now on. And IF you happen to see him and he wants to talk to you about work, you reply and then you continue with what you were doing (walking/ typing on the computer/ and so on)
I don't think you need to tell him that you found out about the other affairs. I think your much colder behavior will tell him all he needs to know.
I'll go see if I can find the LC at work article
Hugs
Htgo
Hi Jananna,
I know what you mean about desperately wanting to believe he really cared. The thing is, I'm not sure they are really capable of caring about anyone but themselves. I realize that we are not perfect and were in this for a little ego boost too, but I don't think it's the game for us that it is for them. Last I checked games were supposed to be fun and I, for one, am not having ANY fun and haven't for quite some time!
I also understand wanting to call him out about his bad behavior. And, believe me, I'm tempted all the time to email him some long message about what I know or what I think of him, but you know what keeps me from doing that? I KNOW it won't affect him AT ALL. He simply won't care...it won't hurt him...it won't change his behavior...it won't benefit me in any way at all in the long run...and, here's the main reason...all it would do is stroke his ego even more and I refuse to do that for him even one more freaking time!!!!
If you react to this news, he will know it bothers you and if it bothers you, it means you still care, and it gives him the satisfaction of knowing that he still has that control over your emotions. Even though it might feel like you are taking control by sending an email, you would really be giving the control to him. The best revenge is not letting on that he matters. They don't act like we matter and look how much that hurts us...so give him that same indifference back.
I'm convinced that the ONLY way to "hurt" them is to hit them right square in their huge inflated egos and the best way to do that is by ignoring them and everything they do--even if you're crying inside, don't let him know! Plus,
Thanks, HTGO!
Hi UTBN:
This is exactly what I needed to hear!
Major kudos for coming here FIRST to talk it through and get it out of your system.
Doing nothing is always better than doing something.
Jananna,
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Thanks for all your advice, ladies!