Need to end this A for good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2012
Need to end this A for good.
16
Sun, 08-19-2012 - 12:12am

I'm back, again.  Tried ending so many times it's embarrassing.  Last time I ask him to stay away, that lasted 3 weeks.  I started chatting with him for a couple weeks, but soon as he wanted to meet up again I went silent.  No ending email...nothing but silence.  That was one week ago today.  I can do without the physical, my problem is the emotional part.  The reason I keep going back is because I want to know it was more and each time I'm always disappointed.  I know what it is for him.  I know when he tells me he loves and misses me they're probably not true.  Why can't I just let this go and move on?  Why do I keep looking for that little shred of evidence that maybe, just maybe I meant more?  I just feel so tired and beat up over this anymore.  

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 08-19-2012 - 1:01am

Awww (((recklessnomore))))

I'm glad you came back. Don't be embarrassed.  I'll bet you don't even hold the record for attempts at ending, so fogeddaboudit.

I'm sorry you're feeling tired and beat up.  I figure it's the addiction that keeps us going back for me even when we know it's not in our best interest to do so.

So, and because you know how it works...first things first, you really have to go NC and stick with it to stop the merry-go-'round of madness.  Can you do that?  I ask because I don't remember your story...if you work together or not...so it would have to be LC for you.  Either way, it's the only way to start the process of breaking free and then working towards understanding why you started up an affair and voids you were trying to fill and learning how you can fill these voids in a healthier way. 

You are not the only one who has remained somewhat stuck in the "It/I had to have meant more"....I think many of us wanted to believe that or have it proven...to feel better about having jeopardized all we hold dear and about having wasted all our time and energy in a dead-end relationship.  Sometimes we just have to know that whether it meant anything or not, it turned out to still to be a big waste of time...so we have to accept this and cut our losses.  

Take the first step...implement NC.  I vaguely remember you mentioning how you felt cruel to just go NC.  How do you feel about that now?  Do you now see that by not doing so, you are only being cruel to yourself?

So, again, implement NC...come here for support as you detox and grieve your loss...then you can start working through your stuff.

You can do it!  Look at all who have gone before you.  We all got through it and made it to out to the other side, and we are here to help you too.

((hugs))

Clarity


Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sun, 08-19-2012 - 8:47am

I'm glad to see you back, again.

Are you trying to break my record??? :smileylol:

I did the same thing for so long.  A couple of years, of off and then on.  Too long I was hurting myself. I hung on. Hoping, wanting and desiring it so bad, yet AP would never commit.  At least that was my viewpoint at the time.

I have since realized an important part of my life has become the total lack of commitment.  My commitment.  Me?  All of it is on me. 

It was me who lacked any commitment to AP.  I wouldn't make a commitment and leave spouse and be ready to start life with AP.  I dragged my feet. Even though I wanted more from her, marriage and a life together, I didn't do it. I could easily have done that, left the spouse and made a life with her.  There was nothing holding me to my marriage that I couldn't have overcome. Total lack of commitment on my part. 

I wasn't committed to my marriage.  Other wise I wouldn't have been doing what I was doing. Again, it's all on me. This is the easiest one to see.  At least now it is easy to see.  I had excuses then.  It was family, it was money, there was always some reason that I had to wait. Again, lack of commitment.

And...........most important, I certainly wasn't committed to myself.  That is the REAL big one.  Me.  Me!!!  Me???  I wasn't looking out for me, I was just getting my feel goods, and letting them turn me inside out and leaving myself unhappy. Some call it addiction.

Total lack of commitment is what it is.

Add to it, whenever I tried to end it, I failed.  I wasn't committed to ENDING it. I always kept up hope. I always had a plan on how it work.  How we would get back together.  I always had an excuse as to why I couldn't block her and walk.  I kept hanging on. Not letting go.

I don't even know when it all happened.  I'm not sure who, what, or why..............it just finally had ended. Oh I know the date, but all of a sudden we just hadn't communicated in weeks.

What a blessing. 

Then I realized the truth. 

If I had been that into her, I would have moved heaven and hell to be with her.  If we had been committed, we would have been together.  Total lack of commitment.

I call that, Two Fools Meeting.  Both wanting the same thing.  Both not doing the right things to make it happen, and both ending up with regrets.

With the regrets you mull it over and over, and you try to find something to blame on what went wrong.  It doesn't work.  Just accept it, it doesn't work. Save yourself a lot of anguish.

I ended up saving myself.  She ended up saving herself.  Saving ourselves from the hurt that we were putting each other through.

If I can give you any advice, it's BLOCK and WALK.  Stop the madness.  It isn't easy.  It take commitment.  Make up your mind.  You will be a lot happier. There is no legitimate excuse for NOT doing it.  None.  Zero!

Take charge of your life.  Save yourself. No one else is going to do it but you.

If you do the Block and Walk, you can save what you have left. You.

I'm pulling for you.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2012
Sun, 08-19-2012 - 9:51am

Hi Clarity,

Thank you for making me not feel so embarrassed.  Your words have helped me so much today.  It's so hard when you want out of the A and there is no one to talk to.  Your right, I've been wasting so much time trying to find out if I meant more.  I think I'm at the point of accepting that I was only someone to fill a void for him, as he was just a person filling a void for me.  Slowly but surely it's sinking in.  I've accepted there is no future for us, but my ego has trouble accepting the other.  I'm getting there, I can feel it.  

Your memory is correct.  I did feel cruel for going NC and not telling him.  I did the same this time, too.  I don't feel as bad this time because I'm pretty sure he knows why.  I blocked everything but my email because it's linked to my phone.  He fished a few times and I ignored them all.   I don't want to hurt anymore and hope he is done.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Sun, 08-19-2012 - 9:52am

Hi RNM,

Sorry you are so tired  and feeling beat up - BUT bottoming out means there's no place to go but up! Good advice already from Clarity and our favorite velvet hammer RBM :smileywink: NC will give you the starting point you need. When you go looking for answers and figuring out the meaning of it all, come here - don't expect xAP to help you measure yourself. You do mean more, much more, but not there - A's are lousy yardsticks!

Hugs to you and keep posting!

XO Daisy  

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2012
Sun, 08-19-2012 - 10:18am

I think we might have a tie...lol.  

Your post has left me speechless.  You explained it to the "T" .  It's all about me now, saving me.  There really isn't any other way. Neither one of us is willing to commit.  I know that and he knows that.  Time to just let it go and as you say "stop the madness".

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2012
Sun, 08-19-2012 - 10:55am

Hi Daisy,

I lost myself while in this A and I'm trying real hard not to let this A define who I am.  It helps to hear I mean more than that.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Sun, 08-19-2012 - 11:39am

RNM - you are absolutely so much more than partner X in the A! It is the nature of A's though to blur the outlines of all of the people we might be in other relationships, such as spouse, parent, child, coworker, etc. The A does take over and become the most important thing in your "life", or so it seems...in the same way that poison dart frog venom does, it's all you can think about when you get struck...

Once you are on the NC trail, you will see some of who you are, a little bit more every day. i am enjoying it so much now, at almost 4 months out.  I can enjoy a long phone conversation with a friend again, instead of itching to get off or to check email, feeling like all time not spent in the A or keeping it afloat, is wasted time. Couldn't have been further from the truth! But you have to get out, in order to look back, and you have to make that first step yourself.

Good luck dear - and you know have help here for every step after the first one.

Daisy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 08-19-2012 - 12:17pm

There must be some way you can block his email or set it up to go directly to trash.  It will trip up your healing if you can still see him him trying to get through.  Maybe you can check out the capabilities through your Provider.

Did you check out the "Awakening" thread in the H.L?  If you haven't, please do.  I'd swear more people have had their awakening just from reading it.  Some print it out and keep it at the ready...to read over and over again.

And there is another thread, "Letting Go" which is really helpful too.

Use all the resources, here at your fingertips, to strengthen your resolve.  

((hugs))

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2012
Sun, 08-19-2012 - 1:10pm

((((((((RNM)))))))))))))) I'm with you, just 17 days NC and I have the same questions, Why can't I let go completely and move on!! And it just makes me tired... but I still struggle. I just want to talk to him. Also went thru MANY attempts at NC in the past year. I thought at one year it would be easier to say, ok this is it, DONE! Well,, it's easy to SAY, but my mind keeps mulling...

Good luck, we can do this one minute, hour, day at a time!

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2012
Sun, 08-19-2012 - 1:16pm

Thanks RBM, always like your no nonsense posts! They stick with me and sometimes show up in my head when there's an argument between logic and crazy. :smileyhappy:

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