need to end it FINALLY AND NOW!
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need to end it FINALLY AND NOW!
| Sun, 09-26-2004 - 7:57am |
It has been 9 months now. W had an "indiscretion" at a business meeting with an out of town co worker who was paying attention to her. Just add alcohol. She was wracked with guilt and told H a couple weeks later. H and W were married right out of high school, 2 kids, 10 years. His idea of their marriage was shattered and he was angry and was prepared to leave. I come into the picture, a co-worker (same company but a few hours away in a diferent office). Email conversations start out light, work related, get personal and BAM I find myself helping this guy get through the pain of what she did to him and I fall for him. Hard. (I had just gotten a divorce before all of this started). We act upon our mutual attraction. Ever since it has been constant contact at work via phone and email. Meeting each other once every few months. He just told me he was in love with me. Wants to work on his marriage but is, as he put it, "addicted" to me. I am very much in love and it gets worse. We have tried several times to end it but one of us always breaks down. We desperately want to be friends but at this point I am miserable, my life is spinning out of control and I want very very badly for him to leave her to be with me. I didn't always feel this way but our last encounter was so emotionally intense I don't know how he can have us both. He says the marriage is good aside from her indiscretion but how could it be if he is obsessed with me? Something is missing, obviously.
Bottom line I am in excruciating pain and want out (well, I don't but I can't stand feeling like this anymore). Someone please tell me the proper way to get out of this...PLEASE!
Bottom line I am in excruciating pain and want out (well, I don't but I can't stand feeling like this anymore). Someone please tell me the proper way to get out of this...PLEASE!

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Find something to fill the time when you normally spend time with him or spend time emailing or talking on the phne. If that means taking on extra projects at work, or maybe teaching a class at a health club or a senior center, so be it. What helped me most to forget OMM after we stopped the A is to change the patterns of how I spend my time. Change the patterns of how you spend your time!
You also must commit to No Contact with im after the A ends -- it is way too hard to stay in touch without having all the feeling flood in.
After my A I also starting focusing more on my H. You are divorced, but I suggest you make it known to your friends that you are ready to start dataing again. And treat any dates you have as simply an opportunity to hang out with a fun and/or interesting person. If you treat the date as a replacement for the MM, you will never be happy with any of them.
Does your employer offer an employee assistance program? Go see one of the counselors. If they don't have that program available, go see some other counselor. It takes extra time to mend after this type of break-up because we can't talk to our friends as much about it.
Good luck!!
No matter what the circumstance, the pain is the same.
Your words are ones I have told myself time and time again but needed to be heard from another person. You fool yourself into thinking that this situation is unlike all others, unique, you know? And then I read all OVER this board the same stories, my story, over and over again.
Unfortunatly, I work with MM in an indirect way and we occassionally see each other at meetings ( a few times a year) and are on committies together that hold conference call discussions. I get emails that are sent to me and him, so I have to see his name in print on a daily basis. It is almost as bad as him standing right in front of me as much as I am reminded of him on a daily basis.
He has to jump through serious hoops to get to see me (and it was a rarity), when our work doesn't bring us face to face. Things had settled down between us but our company decided to plan an overnight sales meeting and that occured this past Thursday. Needless to say we went back and forth for a month or two prior to the meeting about what we were going to do at the meeting (sleep together) and then I would feel bad and call off our plans and he would talk me out of calling it off and then he would get guilt ridden and then I would talk him out of it. I keep telling him I can just be friends and handle an occassional "BC" with him but a crack whore will say anything for another hit, huh?
We have tried NC numerous times and one or the other breaks down. Like I said I have to work with him and the NC is extremely difficult. When we have no physical contact things seem to fall in place and we just have this close friendship. I don't want that to end, just the whole love thing, which fades when I don't see him and I go on with my life and he is just someone I email at work. A lot.
This last time we had together Thursday, though, he told me he was in love with me, which was mind blowing. But I guess all the "I love you's" in the world aren't going to change the cold hard facts of 3 hours away, 10 year marriage, kids, house...When I think of them having sex it makes me want to vomit. When I think of the deceit it makes me want to vomit, too. He is having his cake and eating it too, but I love being his cake!
I was just planning on toning things down and letting it run it's course before I try the NC which seems to work just the opposite with he and I anyway since we are both weak. I am going to TRY and just bring our communication down to a platonic friendship level. When he mentions anything that shouldn't be mentioned when you are "just frinds" I will just ignore his comments.
I will let you know how it goes.
Thank you to everyone for the great support!
Like you, I've seen too many posts on this board to really believe that my situation is unique. I agree with fulovlov; he's not going to leave her. I'm trying to make myself understand that very same thing. My xMM's W had a brief fling (after we'd been seeing each other) They went to counciling for a couple of sessions, I'm not sure why they didn't keep going. He didn't come clean about his EMA. Last time I talked with him, (almost two months now) he said he was still dealing with trust issues. Imagine that. Trust issues from a lying, cheating, betraying cheater!
I also hate the fact that while we were seeing each other, he was cake-eating. I ejoyed being his cake, too, but after a while, the bitter pain of having him leave me b/c he had to be home for HER started to get to me.
I'm single (divorced for so long it's like I was never married!) It's hard to date, especially when I keep having thoughts of HIM pop up in my mind. Trying to keep busy helps, but it takes a lot of energy to stay focused on matters at hand and not continually drifting off into la-la land, daydreaming about how maybe someday he'll call me up to tell me he finally had to end his M.
So many posts here state that A's are based on fantasy, and that if these relationships were ever to be given their day in the sun (and out of the gloomy yet intoxicating confines of secretiveness),that they wouldn't stand a chance of survival. That's the one thought I keep coming back to. What if we DID get together as a 'real' couple? What if I ended up having to do his laundry? I have a hard enough time doing my own!
I am in the same line of work as my xMM, but luckily, our paths rarely cross. I thought I could deal with being just friends, but that is too hard on me; I will never be "just friends" with him; we've already crossed that line. He told me he loved me and I do believe he does. But he has a family, kids, W; THEY have a history together. I have nothing with him but a few stolen moments.
I'm trying to come to grips with the facts that I will have nothing more than that from him.
It's been a daily struggle. I guess it's supposed to get better, but it sure doesn't seem like it is.
Stay strong, bfree!!!! You are not alone.
Good luck to you
grace
"I was just planning on toning things down and letting it run it's course before I try the NC which seems to work just the opposite with he and I anyway since we are both weak. I am going to TRY and just bring our communication down to a platonic friendship level. When he mentions anything that shouldn't be mentioned when you are "just frinds" I will just ignore his comments.
I will let you know how it goes.
Thank you to everyone for the great support!"
Thanks but I'm not interested in knowing how your affair goes as you continue it.
Woman, you made me laugh. I am also divorced and VERY MUCH enjoy my freedom. My affair was just an added bonus in the sex department. I KNOW I could never do the 24/7 thing with a lying cheating dirtbag, so when I ended it, these realizations played big factors in the staying strong department. I miss the beginning, that oh so new - happy feeling that fresh blood stirs up. But affairs are not real relationships. There is NO going to the next level.....The truth is, they level off...when reality starts seeping in.
CMG
There seems to be some mixed signals here, so if you are going to offer advice, maybe you should re-read your words more carefully.
****He is the love of my life.****
Is that right? This scum sucking liar and cheater remains to be the love of your life?
****He left his wife to be with me****
And you can "Love" someone like this? Are you prepared for him to do the same to you one day?
**** this is a man who left his wife for me and pledges his undying love for me and will ( I believe with all my heart ) leave again.****
Just a question...are you in counseling? Because if this is what you are counting on, holding onto, you are not only setting yourself up for disappointment, but a life of always looking over your shoulder, IF the girl DOES get the guy. Is this really what you want? A relationship born out of lies and deceit, with broken hearts scattered everywhere?
I'm sorry, but you are STILL wearing rose tinted glasses that are dripping with idealism, romaticism and chunks of gobbley goop.
CMG
Edited 9/27/2004 10:24 am ET ET by color_me_gone
****He is the love of my life.****
Is that right? This scum sucking liar and cheater remains to be the love of your life?
****He left his wife to be with me****
And you can "Love" someone like this? Are you prepared for him to do the same to you one day?
**** this is a man who left his wife for me and pledges his undying love for me and will ( I believe with all my heart ) leave again.****
Just a question...are you in counseling? Because if this is what you are counting on, holding onto, you are not only setting yourself up for disappointment, but a life of always looking over your shoulder, IF the girl DOES get the guy. Is this really what you want? A relationship born out of lies and deceit, with broken hearts scattered everywhere?
I completely understand your position, and I will make no excuses.
Thank you SO MUCH...you have said so much that I am feeling.
I wrote him one final email last night and told him I could NOT be his friend and we could not communicate. I told him when he wants to contact me, take out a pen and write a note to his wife, if he wants to debate politics, debate with her, if he wants to burn a CD, do it for her...she is supposed to be his lover and best friend, not me. He replied briefly but basically to say he would be there for me if I ever needed him.
He will respect my decision to leave me alone (I think).
It will be hard not to think that he will work on his marriage and things won't work out and he'll come running to me. We have such a connection in all ways, but I know this way of thinking is tortureous and I hope to some day no longer think that way....so today is day one of me putting down the crack pipe. Now I have to go into work and not see his name pop up on my email and pray to God a meeting that he and I both have to attend isn't in the works.
I tried Internet dating...OH MY GOD that was AWFUL! And I know, like you (and I have already experienced this) I will compare all men to him.
It was pointed out to me, though, and this is not a light bulb moment, just something women in our situation need to hear, if we did get together with these men in the long run, wouldn't we be looking over our shoulders for the next woman he chooses over US because we aren't fulfilling a need?
My MM seems like such a good person who got hurt by his wife, was going to leave, got involved emotionally with me and liked it too much to stop...you know...I was the band aid to fill the pain, the drug to not have to feel, but if someone can lie and cheat on someone, no matter what they did to them, who is to say they won't do it again? And then there we are, you and I, saying I told you so to ourselves, feeling like fools since we fooled ourselves into believeing he would never do that to us. He once told himself he would never do that to his W either.
So anyway, thank you again for your helpful words. I may be on here a lot as I detox from this poisonous situation!
Much Love,
Need2
Please be even the smallest bit patient with me. I JUST started this process.
I understand what you are saying completely. I realized after I put those words into action that it was NOT going to work. I spoke to him and we decided to "cool it" for awhile (which I thought he meant NC) and I come home to an email from him. I decided right then and there that no, friendship will not work. Too many emotions.
I have a woman's group I attend and I was told that what I have going here is an actual addiction, just like an alcoholic, and an alcoholic can't just have an occaisional drink. I needed for it to be described to me in those terms by a licensed therapist before it sunk in.
I am not perfect (or I surely wouldn't have gotten into this mess in the first place) and I will have setbacks, but I have to take this in small bites. I have gone all day with NC and he has also refrained. I just keep thinking that I am not doing either one of us any favors by contacting him, since we both need to get our lives in order. And then I think of the W and his kids and the 3 hour distance...just too many factors for it to EVER work out, really. Even if he were to leave, I want someone I can spend time with, not a person who I have to travel 3 hours to get too. Not mentioning the fact that he and his wife, if seperated, would surely reconnect behind MY back if he and I ever started a relationship...why not? I would be 3 hours away and we know it isn't beyond the norm for him to cheat, now is it?
I told him to "show me the papers" and then we can talk. I'm pretty sure that isn't going to happen and if it does we are still doomed by all the things mentioned previously. So now I just have to pick up the pieces and fix me. He can fix himself. I'm always trying to make everyone else feel better no matter what it does to me. Hopefully this experience will make me stop doing that.
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