need to end it FINALLY AND NOW!
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need to end it FINALLY AND NOW!
| Sun, 09-26-2004 - 7:57am |
It has been 9 months now. W had an "indiscretion" at a business meeting with an out of town co worker who was paying attention to her. Just add alcohol. She was wracked with guilt and told H a couple weeks later. H and W were married right out of high school, 2 kids, 10 years. His idea of their marriage was shattered and he was angry and was prepared to leave. I come into the picture, a co-worker (same company but a few hours away in a diferent office). Email conversations start out light, work related, get personal and BAM I find myself helping this guy get through the pain of what she did to him and I fall for him. Hard. (I had just gotten a divorce before all of this started). We act upon our mutual attraction. Ever since it has been constant contact at work via phone and email. Meeting each other once every few months. He just told me he was in love with me. Wants to work on his marriage but is, as he put it, "addicted" to me. I am very much in love and it gets worse. We have tried several times to end it but one of us always breaks down. We desperately want to be friends but at this point I am miserable, my life is spinning out of control and I want very very badly for him to leave her to be with me. I didn't always feel this way but our last encounter was so emotionally intense I don't know how he can have us both. He says the marriage is good aside from her indiscretion but how could it be if he is obsessed with me? Something is missing, obviously.
Bottom line I am in excruciating pain and want out (well, I don't but I can't stand feeling like this anymore). Someone please tell me the proper way to get out of this...PLEASE!
Bottom line I am in excruciating pain and want out (well, I don't but I can't stand feeling like this anymore). Someone please tell me the proper way to get out of this...PLEASE!

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I tried the Internet dating thing too and yes, what a disaster! There's only been one guy whom I've met that seems decent: he lives about 500 miles away and I only hear from him from time to time via e-mails. We met once when he was in my town and we did have a good time, but I felt absolutely nothing for him; he seemed to be just a nice guy I could hang out with.
I've had numerous people tell me that they can't believe I'm not hooked up with anyone. I want to just scream and say "The only person who seems to want to hook up with me is MARRIED!" Also, I hate to admit this, but the ONLY men that have expressed interest in me in the last few years have been MARRIED. I must give off some sort of signal, some kind of vapor that intoxicates them and makes them act all stupid or something. I don't think I'm a flagrant flirter; I work in a male dominated profession and I strive to maintain an honorable reputation. Generally, I can put off the most cad-ish types, but there have been times when my defenses weaken and I have to pray to God for strength to turn them away! I should've prayed more fervently after this one particular MM made his affections known! Sadder still, he was not the first or only MM in my life, but definitely the most intense.
My most recent introspective homework has been to discover the root of why I am attracted to someone who is unavailable. I suppose I have issues with abandonment, rejection, and betrayal. I hear that self-esteem is probably an issue, too, but I feel pretty self-assured in most other aspects of my life. I've come a long way as a single parent to a young and successful daughter--she is my proudest accomplishment! I consider myself successful in most aspects of my life. I have everything I NEED. Just not what I WANT...(Or think I want)
So why is it that I feel destined to be alone? Is it B/C the only person I feel anything strong enough for is in a terminal relationship? (I mean, commmited.) Will I forever measure every future relationship against him? Why? I don't really even KNOW him! I mean, I don't know what he's like when he's sick or crabby. I saw his good side, I saw him when he was happy to be temporarily free of his life's obligations and burdens. I saw him when he was irritated to get a phone call from HER while he was with ME. (I saw him stand outside my house to talk to her to appease or lie to her or whatever.) I have no REAL history with him. It was all FANTASY.
Well, I never mean to ramble on as much as I do. Most of this is just catharsis, I suppose; telling myself to let him go. Thanks for reading this far. I'm glad for all the support that's offered here. It is very helpful, very appreciated.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}} to all :)
grace
I wish you strength as you go through this.
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