is need for FANTASY common denominator?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2008
is need for FANTASY common denominator?
4
Fri, 10-16-2009 - 6:23pm
I'm just curious about how many of you out coped with childhood/family problems with fantasy, and how much you believe that played a role in starting an A? I'm a MW, with a
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2009
Sat, 10-17-2009 - 9:26am

I know how you feel. And the fantasy is never reality. Marrying the A? The reality will not be the fantasy. It may be great, maybe better than what you have now, but still not the fantasy. I'm in the same boat. Always fantasizing...to music, to a romantic movie. Its so painful and hard. Even with the A, we fantasized together, about a life we couldn't have right now.

Its painful. You have to deal I guess. I guess too before you got married, you fantasized about the picket fence and motherhood right? Maybe the reality is not so perfect as was your fantasy.

Its so hard. I always felt in life I'd rather live 2 shorter separate lives, than one long life. The ability to have this secret life is amazing. But it takes its toll...I know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Sat, 10-17-2009 - 12:00pm

Ya know, we all discuss the fantasy we created during our A's. I understand it well, I lived it for 3 yrs. I didn't need it, didn't think about the xAP in the realm of an affair before the affair began. But after we reconnected, I lived for the fantasy. I loved the feeling of it. Loved spending time alone just so I could think about him. But before the affair, I wasn't looking. I wasn't living in another world in my head. But we all know something, something allowed us to do this. There was a void, recognized or not, AP filled it for a while.


But since we are discussing this, I'm now wondering if during all the fantasizing, did you fantasize about real life scenarios with your AP? I mean did you ever think about the drudgery of every day life with AP? The kids, laundry, money.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2007
Sat, 10-17-2009 - 12:23pm
Everytime we think of anything in our "future" isn't that a fantasy? None of us know what the future holds for us. I know when I used to think of the possibility of a life with my xMM I always knew it wouldn't be an easy path if that was the one

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Mon, 10-19-2009 - 12:35pm

Hi GC,


Yes I used fantasy to escape. I also fantasized a lot in my youth. It was a break through during NC to see how fantasy played a huge role in WHY I picked my xAP.


I also didn’t know about the addiction angle until I read about it on EAS which was long after I ended my A. It does fit because people use drugs to escape and I use fantasy to escape. Also, I came to understand why I obsessed over xAP after A ended and especially after I went NC.


For me, it was just trading one addiction for another. The time I spent thinking about xAP…where he was…what he was doing…what he was thinking…what he was feeling and so on…we all know the line of thinking very well; all that thinking (obsessing) was a way for me to think about something else besides my own problems. The thinking/obsessing was a way to escape.


Also, I believe for those who are addicted, you go into a panic mode when you realize the A drug is gone. That is why I think for people like me it was so hard the first couple of weeks. You are literally going through withdraws.


GC, I know songs can be interpreted many different ways but I put a link below to the Goo Goo Dolls Acoustic #3. Let me know if this resonates with you since you mentioned you fantasized from a young age.


http://www.lyrics007.com/Goo%20Goo%20Dolls%20Lyrics/Acoustic%20%233%20Lyrics.html


For me, stopping included replacing old habits with new ones. Being aware of how much fantasy played a role in my life. My T asked me one of her many questions ;)…”Why don’t you fantasize about your H?” The thing is, I use to but it was true that I hadn’t fantasized about him in years. She encouraged me that it would be a healthy way to fantasize and it could make for some creative intimate time. Guess what? She was sooooo right ;0 So it’s accepting who you are and what you are about but finding ways to use your attributes in healthy and creative ways (fantasizing is a form of creativity). I jokingly say I’m using my mind and talents for good instead of evil.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.