Need Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2005
Need Help
2
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 10:48am

As you can tell by my member name that I have been lurking here for quite some time. Only until now am I ready to tell my story. My Affair was never a secret from my husband. He knew about it right from the start. It started last year when I became close to one of our friends (who also is in a relationship). One night, myself and my Ap(don't really know what else to call him) realized just how much we cared about each other and asked our spouses if it would be okay to express that caring to each other. They both didn't see the harm in it and said that we could do whatever was comfortable for us. Thus started the longest 8 months of my life.

I fell in love with my AP and he fell in love with me. All along my H tried to be okay with things but it never sat well with him. My AP's spouse was and still is okay with everything between him and I. She believes in love and sees nothing wrong with loving more than one person at one time. My H said that we were getting our cake and eating it too. We both insisted that we could stop at any time, but we didn't. We would try for a while and then our feelings would just get the better of us. We told each other that our friendship meant more than being physical with each other but we couldn't stop kissing or holding or cuddling each other. The pressure around us was getting unbareable and my marriage was and still is on the brink. Finally, just a couple of days ago my H called up my AP and told him that he no longer want him to contact me ever again. It crushed me and angered me that he took control over the situation. I met with my AP the next day and we had a serious discussion about us being together. We both went home and thought about things (in fact I am still thinking about things). I called him up the next day to find out what his decision was. I first told him that I thought it would be best that we don't contact each other for now and that if my marriage was over that I wanted it to be over because of the relationship not because of someone else. He told me that he was willing to try a relationship with me and that his spouse had "volunteered" to move out for a month for us to try it out. I was kind of floored by that remark because in the end was he really choosing to be with me?

So now I am in a horrible position and don't know what to do. I love my H and can't bare the thought of throwing away all that I have with him (it would be a lot). Yet, I still can't help how I feel about my AP. So I am torn and in so much pain right now. Am I being a fool and allowing something to slip through my fingers either way? Any advice would be a great help to me. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 10:14pm

i am sorry i have no advice for u, only thing i can say is its up to u to decide, u know what its best for your life, do u have children

welcome back to the board

max
im sorry i have no advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2005
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 3:41pm
I know the decision is up to me but it is so hard to decide. My AP could not make a decision between me and his spouse. But, his spouse said that she would step aside for a while so that we can see if our relationship can face reality so to speak. And he agreed that he would be willing to do that. Pretty strange, huh? But both my AP and his spouse are younger than me (5 years and 10 years). I told him that I needed some time alone to figure this all out and that if I was to leave my husband, that I wanted it to be for the right reasons, not because of him. He fully understood and told me that he would be waiting (for what I don't know). To make matters worse, they are in our close circle of friends, and I have no idea what I am going to do when I see them next. Everything seems so up in the air for me and I really wish I could come to some sort of resolution. I strongly feel like I need my AP in my life even if it is just as friends. But is this really healthy for me or for him or for my marriage? I know that my H won't stand for this so I feel I am left with little choices. I have been very depressed about this to the point where I don't really function anymore. I hope I find the answer soon just so that I can breathe again.