In need of help and advice
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 09-21-2004 - 10:52pm |
ANyways..I am not having an affair...maybe some would consider it emotional. I have these very strong feelings for this man I see on a daily basis. This crush has been going on for almost 3 years..if not already. It has gotten so bad now that I cant even stop thinking of him at all!! It drives me crazy..almost to the point of tears because of the frustration and confusion. I have actually cried over it before..but not because I want him to want me...Because of my guilt, confusion, constant thinking of him!! I am married with 3 kids. I love my husband dearly..he spoils me to death. Im trying to make this as short as I can...but there is alot to say. I dont even think I am looking for any thing sexual..as much as I would probrably want it..I think I can say no..(there are some other factors involved that would make me say NO) I have thought this through and through and the only thing i can seem to come up with is that I like the attention he gives me...I also just want him to respect me...I feel the need for that soo bad from him. I am a woman who feels the needt o have to please everyone all the time anyways..and feels guilty over the tiniest things. For example..I have 2 friends..they dotn talk to each other...dont like each other very much..but I feel guilty when im with one...I always feel liek the other one is upset with me...anyways..thats just an example of my guilt over minor things. I just want him to think highly of me..does that make sense? I want his attention..I want him to talk to me. I do also think it could be more of a self esteem issue...I mean..how can any other man besides my husband even stand to look at me. If I was to find out that he does think of me...I would be flattered beyond belief..so maybe thats what im looking for? to know if im attractive enough for someone else to even look twice at me. I dont really ahve anyone to talk to...noone will understand. When I try to explain it..friends will look at me and be like.."your married..why are you thinking of another man?" they just dont understand. I cant tell anyone HOW very strongly I feel..but I need to get it out..I have told 2 people who seem to be very supportive of me. Maybe its just because im getting mixed messages from him and that is why its lingering for me? I mean, one minute..he will be emailng me...making noises...and anything else to get my attention...then when we are near each other..he wont even look up at me..(I wont look at him or say hi to him either when we are face to face...I freeze up...my fear for some reason..this huge crush has affected me so badly that I cant bare to see him face to face..my heart starts pounding...I get nervous..dotn know what to do with my hands...and I just freeze up..thats the only way to explain it..I freeze!!) There is so much more and I dont know where to start. But Im hoping someone here will have some advice. I have thought about just coming out and tellign him...being honest..and telling him im not looking for an affair..but rather to just anything to get you out of my damn head..Maybe you can tell me you find me repulsive!! I dont konw..and please..believe me when I say..I am really not lookign for an affair..I ahve thought long and hard about it..and I dotn think I could do it. I have thought both ways..that I think i could actually do it without feeling too guilty...but at the same time....I feel extremley guilty for how I feel. Anyways..I guess that is enough for now..Ill see whatevery one has to say..and please..I dont mind questions..Ill be honest..LOL

DO NOT tell this guy what you are feeling! That is what my XMM did, and that is what started our A. You say that you may be liking the attention. Well, guess what? If you tell him about your feelings for him, you could awaken a desire in him, and that could start you down the path of a physical A pretty quickly. I had no thoughts whatsoever of having an affair with anyone. But when XMM came on to me so strongly, it was quite an ego boost and a turn-on. So started my A. It took four years to end it!
This same thing may happen to this guy when you confess your feelings--especially if he is already sending you some "mixed messages"!! You should get some counseling to figure out what might be missing in your life to cause you to have these feelings. Work on that before you do anything!
There is really no good that could come out of you telling this guy. Just out of curiosity, when you think about telling, what do you see as the benefits to you or to him? What do you think will happen
Good luck and hang in there!
Do not tell this man anything or your going to open a can of worms your not going to be able to close then your going to have a new way to define guilt far far worse then anything you have experienced yet.
I honestly think individual counciling could help you alot to understand yourself and your emotions and to learn how to deal with them in a healthy way.
You do need to address they way your feeling but you need to do it with a PRO or you husband NOT THE OTHER MAN.
You have done nothing wrong and you have nothing to hide YET, so now is the time to get help and to get it out into the open with the RIGHT PEOPLE BUT NOT THE OTHER MAN.
Good luck
Free
1. See if your workplace offers an Employee Assistance Program (EAP). The counseling is free and confidential. And employers want their employees to use it. Or if your spouse is employed, his workplace may have one -- these programs are open to family members of employees. Go to see someone about this and then maybe you can bring in your husband later on (usually the programs allow up to six session ro so, but if you then go in together for marriage counseling that usually counts as another issue so you get 6 more sessions).
2. Don't feel like you are unattractive!! Part of the reason you are feeling that way may be because you have these feelings that you hate!! Don't let the guilt of that bring the rest of you down. Work on the parts of you that you aren't so fond of!!
3. There are always those little things that bug us about our spouse--we live with them and spend a lot of time with them. That would be true for this other guy too! When we have an A, we only see the fantasy part of that OM, not the every-day detail part--this other guy would have everyday stuff that would bug you too! Sounds like you have a great guy -- all you have to do is work on the parts that need work :-)