In need of help and advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
In need of help and advice
10
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 10:52pm
Hi everyone, I occasionally visit this board..not as much as I should. I have posted here before about the same exact thing I am goign to post about now. I am hoping someone has answers for me. It may be very long..so if you arent interested I guess stop right here..LOL

ANyways..I am not having an affair...maybe some would consider it emotional. I have these very strong feelings for this man I see on a daily basis. This crush has been going on for almost 3 years..if not already. It has gotten so bad now that I cant even stop thinking of him at all!! It drives me crazy..almost to the point of tears because of the frustration and confusion. I have actually cried over it before..but not because I want him to want me...Because of my guilt, confusion, constant thinking of him!! I am married with 3 kids. I love my husband dearly..he spoils me to death. Im trying to make this as short as I can...but there is alot to say. I dont even think I am looking for any thing sexual..as much as I would probrably want it..I think I can say no..(there are some other factors involved that would make me say NO) I have thought this through and through and the only thing i can seem to come up with is that I like the attention he gives me...I also just want him to respect me...I feel the need for that soo bad from him. I am a woman who feels the needt o have to please everyone all the time anyways..and feels guilty over the tiniest things. For example..I have 2 friends..they dotn talk to each other...dont like each other very much..but I feel guilty when im with one...I always feel liek the other one is upset with me...anyways..thats just an example of my guilt over minor things. I just want him to think highly of me..does that make sense? I want his attention..I want him to talk to me. I do also think it could be more of a self esteem issue...I mean..how can any other man besides my husband even stand to look at me. If I was to find out that he does think of me...I would be flattered beyond belief..so maybe thats what im looking for? to know if im attractive enough for someone else to even look twice at me. I dont really ahve anyone to talk to...noone will understand. When I try to explain it..friends will look at me and be like.."your married..why are you thinking of another man?" they just dont understand. I cant tell anyone HOW very strongly I feel..but I need to get it out..I have told 2 people who seem to be very supportive of me. Maybe its just because im getting mixed messages from him and that is why its lingering for me? I mean, one minute..he will be emailng me...making noises...and anything else to get my attention...then when we are near each other..he wont even look up at me..(I wont look at him or say hi to him either when we are face to face...I freeze up...my fear for some reason..this huge crush has affected me so badly that I cant bare to see him face to face..my heart starts pounding...I get nervous..dotn know what to do with my hands...and I just freeze up..thats the only way to explain it..I freeze!!) There is so much more and I dont know where to start. But Im hoping someone here will have some advice. I have thought about just coming out and tellign him...being honest..and telling him im not looking for an affair..but rather to just anything to get you out of my damn head..Maybe you can tell me you find me repulsive!! I dont konw..and please..believe me when I say..I am really not lookign for an affair..I ahve thought long and hard about it..and I dotn think I could do it. I have thought both ways..that I think i could actually do it without feeling too guilty...but at the same time....I feel extremley guilty for how I feel. Anyways..I guess that is enough for now..Ill see whatevery one has to say..and please..I dont mind questions..Ill be honest..LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 11:42pm
I have not been free that long (less than a week of NC but hoping for much longer), so i am not an expert...but here is my two cents worth...

DO NOT tell this guy what you are feeling! That is what my XMM did, and that is what started our A. You say that you may be liking the attention. Well, guess what? If you tell him about your feelings for him, you could awaken a desire in him, and that could start you down the path of a physical A pretty quickly. I had no thoughts whatsoever of having an affair with anyone. But when XMM came on to me so strongly, it was quite an ego boost and a turn-on. So started my A. It took four years to end it!

This same thing may happen to this guy when you confess your feelings--especially if he is already sending you some "mixed messages"!! You should get some counseling to figure out what might be missing in your life to cause you to have these feelings. Work on that before you do anything!

There is really no good that could come out of you telling this guy. Just out of curiosity, when you think about telling, what do you see as the benefits to you or to him? What do you think will happen

Good luck and hang in there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 12:09am
lostinemotion

Do not tell this man anything or your going to open a can of worms your not going to be able to close then your going to have a new way to define guilt far far worse then anything you have experienced yet.

I honestly think individual counciling could help you alot to understand yourself and your emotions and to learn how to deal with them in a healthy way.

You do need to address they way your feeling but you need to do it with a PRO or you husband NOT THE OTHER MAN.

You have done nothing wrong and you have nothing to hide YET, so now is the time to get help and to get it out into the open with the RIGHT PEOPLE BUT NOT THE OTHER MAN.

Good luck

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 7:14am
Thanks Freefromhim9...I have been debating telling him for months now but I havent. I mainly dont want to now because I dont want to put him in a wierd position...its not fair to throw my feelings on someone else, I guess. I also have a hard time believing that if I do tell him...that he would start having feelings etc (if he doesnt already) because I just feel that im disgusting most of the time and noone would be attracted to me. I have also thought soooo soo much about what im missing becasue as i said..I do love my husband sooo much and he is a good husband. The only thing I can come up with is an intelligent conversation and maybe patience?? IT cant be patience because I can tell this guy gets frustrated over little things too...but the thing I get mad at my husband for is his expectations of our children and they way he talks to them. Also, to have a conversation with him about it is well..impossible. He cant seem to comprehend my side..he just thinks im attacking..and im not. He also has some learning disorders/issues so he isnt up on everything to have conversations about kwim? ANyways..thats the only things I can come up with that I may be missing..thanks for your advice
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 7:16am
Thank you MeFree....I understand. I have thought of going back to counseling to try to work this out..I just havent had time with my work schedule..but I think I will be looking for one today in my area where I work..maybe I can go at my lunch time. Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 7:25am
Three more things...

1. See if your workplace offers an Employee Assistance Program (EAP). The counseling is free and confidential. And employers want their employees to use it. Or if your spouse is employed, his workplace may have one -- these programs are open to family members of employees. Go to see someone about this and then maybe you can bring in your husband later on (usually the programs allow up to six session ro so, but if you then go in together for marriage counseling that usually counts as another issue so you get 6 more sessions).

2. Don't feel like you are unattractive!! Part of the reason you are feeling that way may be because you have these feelings that you hate!! Don't let the guilt of that bring the rest of you down. Work on the parts of you that you aren't so fond of!!

3. There are always those little things that bug us about our spouse--we live with them and spend a lot of time with them. That would be true for this other guy too! When we have an A, we only see the fantasy part of that OM, not the every-day detail part--this other guy would have everyday stuff that would bug you too! Sounds like you have a great guy -- all you have to do is work on the parts that need work :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 7:49am
Thanks for your advice...really! I do think down of myself..but it has always been like that but at the same time I do feel this guy does think more of me than just friends..so I guess im not too down on myself if im even thinking this guy does think of me. I have had little crushes here and there before..but this one takes the cake...I mean..3 years!!??? what the hell? I want it so badly to go away..I know you said how this guy will have his faults too...but trust me..I know..He is soo totally not something or someone I would ever be attracted to..Thats why i dont understand it...he is a cocky little bastard..LOL He is always right..isnt afraid to tell people how its going to be..everything that i would normally hate in a man!! or anyone for that matter...this is why I cant understand it..he is noone that I would ever be attracted to. And like I said..I love my husband..and I dont ever ever plan on leaving my family. So for me to think of this guys little idiosyncrosies (SP?) doesnt really turn me off because even if I ever did have an A with him..I would never want to be with him, or does that sound like someone in denial? LOL I dont know, I havent been as far as all of you..so maybe it sounds that way...either way..I dont think I could ever have sex with another man...I more think about kissing this guy more than anything else..its really wierd. I was just thinking though..that im going to go in today..and ignore these feelings..talk to him..like normal..(as I said..I am deathly afraid to conversate with him) we used to sit near each other and talk every day!! about everything! he has moved ..and now we dont talk at all besides occasional emails..he wont talk to me..and I do the same..as I said...we both seem to be doing the same thing..maybe I should look at it as ..he just really cant stand me..LOL it would make things much easier..LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 8:04am
Well, good luck with this :-) It will probably help a lot to go in and talk to a counselor, just to sort through all this stuff you are feeling. Doing that will be a lot easier to do than getting yourself into something with this guy...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 7:01am
Well...today really sucked! I havent actually spoke to him in a while besides thru work email. I have always thought he was thinking of me the same way I think of him..but never really found out. Other times I thought he couldnt stand me. Anyways...I was leaving work today and was told from another mutual friend that he was quitting...that night..last night..I was devestated..but couldnt show it of course..noone knows my feelings. Sooo..I didnt see him before I left....so I was pretty upset the whole night, pretty much came to the conclusion that he hated me..and I was in denial all this time..LOL and just had high hopes. I was pretty down..that he didnt even say good bye to me...we used to talk all the time...until recently when he seat got changed. My heart was pounding, i could barely breath..it was horrible. I had to try to keep up a good front in front of my family..(horrible, I know) So I got home from running errands around 830 and signed on and there was his screen name....he hasnt been online in FOREVER..and he actually told me he got rid of AIM. So I instant messaged him and asked if he was going to leave without saying good bye. He said No, he came online becuase he figured I would be there. It all came back...he does care...and you may not know much about me..but thats all I want from him for some reason..I just want to feel that I am important to him. For some reason..his respect of me means soo much..and i am not normally like that. So we chatted for about 3 hours..not about anything major..his vacation..and his new job. I went to bed happy..but then couldnt sleep. How am I going to go to work without seeing him everyday? this is going to suck..This has been an ongoing "crush/obsession (LOL) for almost 3 years!! Although, when I first heard of it..that he wsa leaving...there was a part of me that was happy and relieved!! Now maybe I can get over this...now maybe I can move on..Now maybe he will get out of my head. I mean, this was driving me crazy...the feelings I had for him..the way my heart pounded and I froze when ever he came around me, the guilt I was carrying for thinking this way of another man, he was always in my head...the wonder of how he felt about me..what would I say to him next time I saw him..what If I walk by him in the hall and freeze up and dont know what to say? This was constantly in my head...but now..that he is gone...hopefully, it will all be over..it will take some time..and it will suck..but in the long run, I know this is the best thing that could happen. I have mentioned that I debated telling him...and that was in my mind constantly..and then the guilt of feelign liek this and knowing he just got married...I cant do this to another woman type of thing...its been horrible..and I am now hoping it will start to end and I will be able to have some normal thoughts tht dont include him. Thanks for listening
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 8:57am
Warning! Alarms are sounding! It really is a good thing that you won't be working with him anymore. Hopefully that will make it easier to get him out of your head. But, don't get a false sense of security, thinking that it is okay to IM and EM each other now. Trust me -- you don't need to see each other every day to get entangled in a big time A. And the thing about affairs-- they eventually have to come to some kind of an end, and believe me, if you are having this much time getting him out of your head now, it will be a million times harder if you get any more involved with this man. For your own sake, now that you have said goodbye, let him go and stop all further communication.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 9:19pm
Thanks for your advice..and I know you are right!! I only EM'd once this morning to send a joke...Im not going to go crazy tracking him down..if he responds..he responds...but it is so hard to keep thinking of him...Im so sad..LOL but im really hoping it does get better from here on out. Thanks again