Need help finding the exit door

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2009
Need help finding the exit door
19
Sun, 09-06-2009 - 3:07pm

So I’m sitting here really struggling to understand why I’m freaking out the way I am. I can’t seem to focus or just take things one-step-at-a-time. I feel dizzy like I’m falling out of control and all I want to do is scream…just scream for no apparent reason. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I stop these weird feelings?

For the last hour, I’ve been trying to figure out how I’ll make it through dinner tonight. My DH invited my recently (NC-day3) x-AP and his DW to dinner tonight. Usually, I would be elated…planning what to wear and how I would act. But now, I just don’t want to go. I am physically sick over this…dry heaving and just unable to catch my breath. (Sorry if TMI) The irony of the situation is that DH invited them to dinner to “cheer me up” since he’s noticed I’ve been somewhat depressed lately. (You think?? Of course I’ve been depressed, just grieving the loss of what I thought would be my future.) And usually dinner out with friends is the way to cheer me up. But not this time. This time I’m dreading it, really dreading it. I’m not ready to face him. I’m not ready to play nice. I’m not ready to sit and smile and be his friend. I’m still sad. I’m still mad. And I don’t want to cry in front of him. And I don’t think I have it in me to be strong enough to mask how I really feel. I can’t do it. And I don’t know how to get out of it. I thought about feigning sickness (which is pretty close to the way I feel), but this dinner is really a family celebration and my kids would be disappointed if I weren’t there.

I just need to suck it up and put on my mask and do as I’ve always done. I hate it. I don’t want to be like this, but if I can get through tonight, then I’ll deal with the rest of my thoughts and feelings later.

I miss x-AP. I want to be his friend. I’m afraid that we’ll get through tonight like we’ve always done…and then he’ll call me sometime next week as if everything were okay with us. And I’ll never get off this rollercoaster. And I’ll never gain back my self-respect, my self-worth. And I’ll believe his promise when he says that some day we’ll be together. Someone please tell me how to make it through to the other side. I want off. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. And I’m tired of crying. Please help if you can.

barely breathing...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
Sun, 09-06-2009 - 10:34pm

Hi sweetie, I truly feel your pain and my heart breaks for you. Being forced to see your xAP after only 3 days of NC is a very tough challenge indeed.

For tonight: Focus, focus, focus on your kids all evening. As much as possible try to keep LC and ignore your xAP. Maybe feign sickness after a couple of hours and excuse yourself? If you feel that could work out OK.

>>I miss x-AP. I want to be his friend. I’m afraid that we’ll get through tonight like we’ve always done…and then he’ll call me sometime next week as if everything were okay with us. And I’ll never get off this rollercoaster. And I’ll never gain back my self-respect, my self-worth. And I’ll believe his promise when he says that some day we’ll be together. Someone please tell me how to make it through to the other side. I want off. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. And I’m tired of crying. Please help if you can.

OK you have quite a few conflicting sentences here. You want to be his friend, you believe when he says some day you'll be together, and at the same time you want off the roller-coaster and want your self-worth back. You need to realize that ALL affairs are destructive to the sense of self-esteem and self-worth. No one has ever had an affair that permanently enhanced their self-esteem! It may at first, but destruction and addiction soon rears its ugly head as you know.

You NEED to put yourself and your family first before your life is destroyed by a d-day or some other horrifying situation. For you must know, onebreath, that if a d-day happens your xAP who promises you a future together will go crawling back to his wife with his little tail between his legs, all the while throwing you under the bus and blaming it all on you. Let yourself pause and think about that a little. It's happened to me, and it's happened to more ladies here than I can count.

Before even thinking about being 'friends' (unlikely in the best of cases) you have to save yourself first. Just get through this evening, then commit yourself to NC. As time goes by you will see how much better you will feel, I can PROMISE you that.

Hang in there onebreath, I will be thinking of you,

xoxo

trixie



"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.”
Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2009
Sun, 09-06-2009 - 10:36pm
You poor thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2009
Mon, 09-07-2009 - 10:47am

Thanks, Trixie, for your support. In the light of day, everything seems better.

I made it through dinner doing my best to ignore x-AP, but it was really difficult to do. We sat at a separate table...just the four of us. I tried to avoid his eyes, but I caught it for a brief second at the very end of the dinner. And in that second, we had a whole conversation. It was as if I were touching an electric socket and couldn't move. As soon as I looked away, I felt instantly depressed. I know he sensed it because he reached out under the table and "accidently" touched his foot with mine. I pulled away...I don't care if he was trying to comfort me, I didn't want any of it. I take that back...I wanted all of it. But it was all or nothing. And since he can't commit to it all, then it's nothing. I had to excuse myself or else I would've cried right at the table for no apparent reason.

Yes, I do miss him. Yes, I know my words are conflicting. I am conflicted in the way I feel, but not in what I know must be. I won't kid myself anymore into thinking we can be friends. Not even friends like last night. I don't want to suffer through another dinner like that. No phone calls, no emails. I know that NC is best for me. I just wish there were another way.

I do want to mention that when we've talked about what would happen if d-day occurred, (none of us ever wanted d-day) he said that he knew his marriage would not survive, but that would only bring us closer to our goal of being together. Sounds funny out loud, but he was the type that did not want to make the first move to end their marriage. If it ended, then he'd be "relieved" (his words). I would be very sorrowful.

Thanks again for your help. I don't know your story, but it sounds like you've been put through the ringer. I will take your words to heart.

still breathing...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2009
Mon, 09-07-2009 - 10:51am

Thanks, from your name, it sounds like you know what I'm talking about. This rollercoaster is making me sick, and I want OFF! I just have to be strong enough to walk away.

Hugs to you, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Mon, 09-07-2009 - 11:22am

"What is wrong with me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Mon, 09-07-2009 - 11:59am

I just read your newer post - glad to hear you're still breathing!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2009
Mon, 09-07-2009 - 12:29pm

Thanks, OMT. Of course I know you're right. I hear what you're saying and as much as it hurts to admit, you are right. I don't know why I cried after reading your post. I guess I thought I was different. I thought what we had was different. And even if he loves me the way he says he does, it really doesn't mean anything if he (we) can't back it up with action. I want to blame him for everything, but the truth is, I won't jump unless he jumps...and I'm not willing to jump first...and neither is he. So as much as I want to be mad at him for our situation, I have to be mad at myself, too.

I'm not new to this. I've been here before many, many times. It's just that this time, it's final. (Famous last words). I've been NC 8 months with this guy before and let him back into my life because I was weak. I love him. I don't think that'll change. He is comfortable where he is. He does have what he wants. He chose her. He chose his family. How can I truly fault him for that? And why did I give him the power to decide that? Why didn't I make the choice? Well, I guess I did, for the most part, by walking away. It's just very difficult to do. I have to do it for MY sake. I just have to. Thanks for the support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
Mon, 09-07-2009 - 4:49pm

One Breath,


I was taken with the maturity that you have in ending your A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Mon, 09-07-2009 - 10:00pm

Onebreath -


One of the other things that struck me about what he said to you - about not being the type to leave his marriage first or whatever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2009
Tue, 09-08-2009 - 2:34am

Thanks, Amy,

I don't really know if it's maturity or just knowing that there is no other choice at this point. I can't go on the way I was and hold on to who I really am at heart. Why I allowed myself to act this way for so long, I really don't know. But I am ready to change my addictive behavior. I am approaching it like an addiction which is one of the main reasons I am here on this board. i know I need all the support I can get. I am actually very weak and know that when the day comes, I will want to hear his voice. NC is very important to me. I need it for my health.

Why I entered into this A and why I stayed in it are two very different reasons. I will probably tell my story eventually, but suffice it to say that there was a huge void in my life when we did get together. It felt nice to have someone not just notice me, but actually care about me. My situation at home has since changed, but by the time things finally changed, I was already in love with my x-AP. Now I just have to learn how to live without him.

Thanks for the hugs!

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