Need HELP! Hating myself and confused!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2004
Need HELP! Hating myself and confused!
5
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 7:57pm
I have been with my fiance since I was 16. (been together 5 years) After graduating highschool and universtiy early we got engaged, had a beautiful house built and everyone thought we had a fairy tale. 1 year ago I would bet my life I would never cheat on him, but after a lot of late nights at work, and him on shifts I guess I started drifting away, and met a guy- A LOT like my fiance, and within a few months we started having a physical/emotional affair. I always said I would never leave my fiance- the guy from work had never really had a gf and was a virgin- he worshops me- and I do love him. I always just thought I could never leave my fiance even though I really wanted to- I didn't care about the pending wedding that I had planned for years, the beautiful house we had built- and finally I stopped eating and sleeping- so upset with the situation I had found myself in. Finally I couldn't take it- told my fiance I wasn't happy and left, I imagined that for months- what it would be like- but I found I didn't want to run to the lover- this has been a month and I've withdrawn from both men- feeling no matter what decision I make it will be the wrong one. I've reflected more recently on what it used to be like with my fiance BEFORE my affair and I would like to have that back- I don't know if I could. I know I would have to stop talking/seeing my lover completely to get what we had back... and I am struggling with that right now- its so hard to separate myself. My sex life with my fiance has never been good- after trying many things- I thought I just had no sex drive- but after meeting this new man I felt like I was alive! There are many reasons I want to go back- my fiance is WONDERFUL- I can't think of a bad thing to say about the guy very loving supportive caring- why can't I feel the same way about him! I feel like there is SO much more to this- more then I could write- more then anyone wants to read- I've always been so self assured, so confident and now I just feel like I am the most selfish person- I can't make anyone happy- and I don't know what decision to make. I was hoping someone has gone thought something similar (well, not really- wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy!) but wanted advice- thoughts- anything- i'm desparate!
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anonymous user
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 9:20pm
I hope it is not inappropriate for me to respond -- I am actually a man whose wife had an affair and is trying to rebuild the marriage. But I'm not here to be judgemental or anything like that -- just to offer my perspective. Keep in mind I'm just some guy on a message board :)

My feeling is that any possible relationship rebuilding with your fiance must start with honesty. Having been lied to, I know that a relationship built on lies does not go anywhere. I don't think that in the case of an affair "ignorance is bliss".

However, telling him may destroy any possibility of getting back together. This is true. The thing I think that is important for someone having an affair to realize is that the person who has been cheated on must be given the choice. Anything else is playing games, and is a recipe for disaster in a long term relationship. So basically, I am saying that I don't think it's just up to you who you go with.

My advice: Tell your fiance about the affair and how you are feeling. Tell the other man about your fiance if he doesn't already know. You may be left with only one man to choose, or perhaps none. But you will have broken out of the cycle of dishonesty that led you down the dark path. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to someone else, or falling out of love with someone... but the choice to be dishonest is wrong. Luckily that is something you can control.

Actually, another bit of advice: get a professional counselor. They'll be able to get into the specifics of your situation will probably offer much better advice than me :)

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 2:40pm
maclenziealexis~

So, if my math is correct, you're just 21 years old? Well, NO WONDER why you are having some SERIOUS doubts....you've been with your fiancee for 5 years...my gosh! You've barely lived. I am a FIRM believer that NO ONE should marry under 30 years old (take it from one who married at 20!! If I could change back time, I would it in a heartbeat).

IMO, I think that you should postpone the wedding, indefinitely. If your financee really loves you, he'll be shocked and hurt, but will want what's best for you. YOU NEED TIME to grow up and explore the world and yourself. (I wasn't clear if the wedding is off...you said you left fiancee but not if everything is off)

DO NOT TELL THE FIANCEE about the affair...it will only hurt him and serve no purpose, really. Find a counselor, a priest, a rabbi, a rock...anyone/anything...but don't tell him. Make your peace and be done with it. (this is no offense to the other poster...but he is coming from a MUCH different place. MOST, if not ALL, counselors advise NOT to tell)

Your sex life with your fiancee will, most likely, NOT improve unless you are able to sit down and lay it out for him and tell him you find it VERY UNSATISFYING. But in my experience, what you see is what you get. Again, you are too young not to expect some hot, passionate sex.

You really, really need to think about what it is YOU want. You say that your fiancee and he is kind, loving and supportive....but yet, people don't walk away from a good thing. Something is missing. Maybe it is something that you have become comfortable with after being with him since you were young....look at this way--can you see yourself spending the next 50 years with your fiancee and less then average sex?

What is it you are not seeing or admitting to yourself? Keep looking within....all the answers you ever need to know are within you.....

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2004
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 8:41pm
Yes- I am 21.

Even though the wedding was paid for in full (it was a pretty penny!) it has been cancelled. We were to marry in 2 months.

I never thought sex was an issue- like I said, but once I found passion with this new person it became hard to accept less. My fiance (ex-fiance) is GREAT- that is the truth, I just feel lately, maybe since this affair started that our relationship is more like friendship, a great strong friendship. I've been told that's a wonderful thing, and people can only hope to have that from a husband- but I wonder is that enough. IF I got back, which I am very seriously considering can I have back what I had before. I am affraid of going back and feeling unhappy again and I don't want to put my fiance and myself through this emotional torment again. My lover offers no real financial sercurity which i have with my fiance.

You told me to think about what I WANT- the thing is I can't figure it out! I honestly have been picking my brain about, I will decide I want to go back to my fiance and that I will cut off all communication with my lover but then I get depressed. I thought I had made the decision to leave my fiance for good, and then I really started to doubt that decision- have I got up in the honeymoon phase of a affair and comparing it, unrealistically to this 5 year relationship, where there is understandable not the passion excitement.

I just think- will I feel the same boredom- if that's what it was with my lover after 5 years. I did always have an incredible relationship with my fiance- we get along great- we don't fight much- we have similar interests, and he really is wonderful- I know people keep saying look out for #1- I just feel like I can't make a decision- I feel like my choices are on a wheel that on momentarily stops before clinking onto the next spoke-

The last response was really helpful. I have no intention on telling the fiance about the affair- its wouldn't be fair to him for to get it off my chest so that he can suffer.

Any more advice/suggestions/or similar stories/past- ANYTHING that can help me deal with this would be appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 12:49am
Hi Alexis

I thought I should share my experince with you. It's not meant to push you towards making your decision one way or another, but you may find it interesting.

I am somewhat in a similar situation. My H and I were friends for a couple of years, became really good friends during which he was my confidante, advisor and what have you. We get along really well, we don't fight (well, hardly anyway), we share lots of common interests, he is from a good family, he gets along so well with my folks they call him to arrange lunch instead of me (they think I am always busy at work) and all my friends love him (so much so that they too call him now instead of me). He was (and still is) the perfect companion. He makes me feel very secure.

When we got married, everyone thought it was the perfect marriage, and indeed most of my friends think I am in the perfect marriage. His family gave him a new car and helped us to buy a lovely house and we didn't really have to worry about money. Yet, I find myself in an A 4 years down the road. What drove me into the arms of another man was (I think) the lack of passion in my marriage. I had tried telling myself that it didn't matter. I had once experienced a very passionate and hot relstionship only to be really hurt by it and so when I found H, I thought it was perfect. Great friends, great company, who needs passion since you only end up hurting. But eventually, I begun to question the lack of passion. It starts with a little voice at the back of you head, saying if only I could feel this way or that way... and then the voice gets louder and louder and before I knew it, I was in a full blown affair. Very passionate, but again, very painful.

As you may have seen from my post, I am now at a stage in my life where I am trying to examine myself, and whether my M is enough for me (either forget the passion or work on it) or if I should leave. So I am in no position to give you any advice in this regard. Having said that, if I could turn back the clock in my life, I would have tried to live a little more, experience a little more in life, and see the world a little more, on my own. I was always attached to someone at some point in my life (maybe I have a co-dependency issue) and I never had the chance to live "MY" life. I now wish I did. I wished I had packed up my bags and travelled the world alone. I wished I had taken up an overseas posting and try living by myself in some foreign country. Now it is a little late for that. You are still so young. You have so much more to live for. Life is too short ...... (eeps, XOM used the exact same statement just the other day!!)





iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Sat, 02-14-2004 - 7:27pm
I think the major problem is that you haven't lived and are far too young to have got into such a serious relationship. I married at nineteen by the time I was 25 my outlook on life had changed so much. There was no passion in my marriage and I and my husband thought I had a very low sex drive until I met someone and fell head over heels in love with them and there was so much passion in the relationship, so much love I could never be in a relationship unless there was a spark there, I don't think once you have experienced it that you will be able to be in a relationship were it doesn't exsist.

I think you should be on your own for a while and have no contact with either man to find out what you really want, don't go back to your fiancee, you may love him but it could be habit as well, safety what ever. You are so young don't spend your life with the wrong man and live to regret it.