Need help---so close to breaking NC
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Need help---so close to breaking NC
| Mon, 12-14-2009 - 12:44pm |
My xAP went NC without warning 20 days ago. The last contact was his usual missing you, loving you and since then, nothing. I wasn't ready for it to be over but have since accepted it and realized it is the best thing and can now see how destructive and awful I was to myself and family.
My problem now is that while I haven't contacted him at all, I am really struggling to not do it now because I want to know why.

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Dear Free...
Number one - DON'T BREAK NC.
Hi Free,
You are definitely NOT alone.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Thank you for your very helpful responses...I love to look at it as my silence is deafening to him. I hope it is. I stroked his ego and told him how wonderful he was and how no one has ever made me feel like he did and now he is getting nothing. Knowing him,
free_confused...
Well... I can only imagine the hurt of him just disappearing... but I think you really have to respect it and then not accept him back if he re-appears...
We all talk about NC here and to some of us it means going away cold turkey w/out any further notice.
Hi Free-Confused
I could have written what you just wrote because it's almost word for word my experience except for the high school boyfriend part (We did go to high school together). I had an emotional affair only but believe me they were strong emotions.
You are not alone in your ups and downs. I went though days where I was weeping copiously and not eating. Little by little it gets better. Actually, think of it this way. Think of it as an injury. First there's shock and then the pain sets in. So you take medicine and rest and do what's necessary to get healing. Then (at least for me) you'll start feeling better, but later during the day you'll hurt almost as much when you first got injured. But little by little day by day -incrementally- you will feel better. There's going to be ups and downs. Remember, you don't want to re-injure yourself by allowing contact. Keep reading this board - it has been SO helpful.
Hi Free...
I can totally relate to everything you said...I can go from feeling strong and actually GOOD for a change and the next minute (literally), I burst into tears because some memory hits me out of nowhere. It's amazing how up and down it has been. BUT, I can honestly say it's starting to level out. Even the sad moments aren't as powerful and i can actually think about him without crying...kind of like looking at a scar and remembering how much the injury hurt but not really feeling it anymore. I, like you, would just like to know I mattered...doesn't seem like that much to ask but we can't make them respond or say the things we want to hear.
I agree that the silence is probably driving him crazy. They expect to be able to just decide not to contact us if that's the mood they're in but they don't expect us to let them go! I don't mean to sound vengeful, because I'm really not that kind of person, but I know that the only way to "get to him" is to not stroke his ego and that means not chasing him down. In my case I KNOW that he's wondering why I haven't tried to call and fully expecting me to any second...but you know what? I'm not going to give him that!! No freaking way! He
It will not help.
It will hurt worse than ever.
It is self-harming behaviour.
This is what I remind myself.
and yet ...
i broke no contact today. he was relentless. he was the one begging to see me, to help the hurt. i hesitated, but gave in. i got way more hurt than the original NC. He left on me, instead of the strong me demanding he leave as i had just days ago. i believe he came to have his ego stroked and to be held. i heard over and over again what he wanted ... nothing about me. all about him.
i am full of regret. it will be the same for you.
It will not help.
It will hurt worse than ever.
It is self-harming behaviour.
j.
Ladies, I can't believe how hard it is to NOT contact him...I'm on day 24 NC and the urge to contact him hasn't lessened at all...what is going on??! And I KNOW I need to respect his reasons for NC...I have a very strong suspicion he had a D-day (forgive me, but I believe this is when the spouse finds out?---not 100% sure though--sorry still new here). I know that even if that is
I know how difficult it is to
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