Need a hug....and some advice
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| Mon, 09-27-2004 - 11:14am |
I just need to type this all out to get it off my chest. I haven't been able to confide in anyone because I know once I tell someone about my A, even if it's to my best friend, my life will be over.
A little background. My H and I have been married for a couple years, but were dating for 10 years prior. He was my highschool sweetheart and we've never had any problems. He's essentially been the only guy I've dated but that has never been an issue with me. Earlier this year, we went on vacation and we met a guy. He and I did some harmless flirting and exchanged email addresses. Anyway, we started emailing each other. It started off friendly, and quickly moved on to becoming more flirtateous, then full of sexual content. At first, I was just having fun but then started developing feelings for him. We chatted online and called each other. He lived on the other side of the world so I didn't think anything would ever happen between us and it would just be an online fling. But then he tells me he would be coming to my hometown to take on a temporary job just so he could see me. Tried to tell him not to come but he did anyway. It was wonderful seeing him again and we had IC a couple of times. It was amazing.
He left about 10 days ago. He sent me an email when he got home and confessed that he had fallen in love with me and that he doesn't want to lose me. I've told him since day 1 that I am indeed in a happy marriage and I would never leave my H...but that I loved him too. I have told him in the past that I knew I was being selfish and unfair to him, so it would be better off if we became friends but he keeps insisting he wants to continue.
Anyway, I haven't heard from him for a little over a week. It's the longest span of time that we haven't communicated. I have been wanting to end the A and just become friends and this should be the opportune time to do it! But I am feeling so weak right now...I want to hear from him so badly. Why would he tell me he has fallen in love with me and then not contact me???
What's the matter with me? How on earth did I get myself into this? I love my H with all my heart and I don't want to hurt him. But I feel like I've been a "good girl" all my life and haven't done anything crazy and I just needed to do it. I love my OM as well. He is so sweet and wonderful. I want him as my close friend but I don't know if that could ever happen.
I'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense. There are too many emotions going on inside of my head. I haven't been able to tell anyone about this A and thankfully I found this board with such supportive people. I was hoping someone could knock some sense into me or tell me what to do....
Thanks for listening.

Something you mentioned was soooooo key to understanding the position you find yourself in: you've always been a good girl and now you want to have some fun.
Often we use these affairs to fill a "void" we feel. After 16 years of a faithful marriage, one day I went off the deep end and found myself in a relationship with another married man, which continued for 2 years. There were points were I was sure that XMM was THE ONE, and I was planning to end my marriage and start over with him. Glad I never did that. In my case, I was using the XMM to fill my void, which is sort of similar to what you described as being a good girl. I had some real tragedy in my life during the years preceding this A, and I think I started to feel some "entitlement" to an easier life. XMM adored me, gave me tons of attention, satisfied my every need, just basically spoiled me rotten. Now mind you, my DH is a wonderful man as well. But we're raising kids together, paying bills, keeping house - it aint always all glamour in our household, you know? XMM was a wonderful escape for me. I'll bet if you really looked deep inside yourself, you'd realize that this man fills a void for you as well, even if its just to see how the other half lives (the half that isn't always "good").
As far as loving 2 men goes, I honestly don't know whether its possible or not. For a long while I believed I loved both my DH and XMM. After I ended my A and really started examining the exact nature of why I was in the A to begin with, I realized that maybe it wasn't XMM himself I was in love with, it was the way he made me feel.
Bottom line, honey, we all want to feel good. We want to feel loved, and pretty, and young, and sexy, and exciting. A's make us feel that way. In order to begin healing, you must identify what feeling this OM is giving you and find a healthier, less harmful way to get it, hopefully from within yourself or in your marriage.
Once we realize these things, the A has alot less "magic" and we're much better able to move forward mending our marriages, etc. If your DH really is THE ONE for you, make a decision to rebuild your marriage and stick with it. Focus on the positive things about your DH and TRY not to be distracted by the "magic" this other man offers. This is tough work, but that's why we're here. Keep posting and venting here. I'm sure you're going to find that you're much more "normal" than you think! Love, Mo.
You are so correct. I think I am involved with this OM to completely fill a void. OM is someone I can have a crazy and amazing time with, but not someone who could be my H. Some days I really regret not having dated more when I was younger or just living more. I was so conservative. Ironically, it was my H who broke me out of my shell and has helped me become the person who I am today. My H on the other hand, had lived fully, so he is so happy to settle down with me...and I know my H is THE ONE.
But I really love how OM makes me feel and I love being with him. I love all the physical aspects of it...the way he kissed me and touched me.
I'm so obsessed over OM. I really know I need to end it but I don't think I'm mentally ready. But I don't even know when I'll ever see him again.
I think I know all the answers as to why I am in this mess and what I should do....but I'm in complete denial.
Thanks for all your supportive words....it really means alot.
I identify w/ your situation to a T. I too was the "Good" girl. I never did anything wrong or lived on the edge. I married my high school sweetheart when we were 19. It's been 13 years, I've only ever been w/ him----until June of this year. I too went for my "walk on the wild side". I don't know if I can give any advice, but I can share my experience.
I was re-introduced to an old high school friend who I had been very close to. We had always had a great time joking and flirting and talking for hours on end, and when we met agian 13 years later, the chemistry was there. We emailed and IM for a few months and there came an opportunity for me to visit him. He lives out of state. Well I went and we went to a pool party--and it was great, no one knew me or my kids or my husband and I was just me. I could just be myself and have a good time. Later that night we went to a dance club and I had a blast, even got on the stage and danced. We had IC that night and I went home the next morning.
3 weeks later my husband (who felt something was not right) reindexed our computer and found emails from my XOM and myself. Needless to say my very life imploded. My marriage had not been in a good place in months before this happened. I was on the verge of leaving for other reasons. Never in a million years did I think I would be a person who would do this. I was raised in a religious home where this was a cardnial sin (and so was the XOM). I had always been the one to say that I would leave if my husband ever had an A. Now, here I am the hyopcrite. I fell in love with the feeling of being free and wild, not with the xOM. This is a realization I have come to just recently. These boards have been a God send. I usually lurk around, but your situation was so like mine I had to respond.
My husband and I are rebuilding. It's a long painful process, but I know we are worth it. I have destroyed a lovely man, who is willing to love me in spite of my selfishness. One of the things that I have learned by reading the posts here, is that we make these choices in our life. I made the choice to go that weekend, I made the choice to stay w/ xOM. I made the choice to lie to my H. I have to live and deal with the consquences from my choices, but what I didn't think about was the fact that so do my children and my husband. So before things go too far for you, really think about all involved. I'm just an example of what might happen. My advice would be to stop all contact w/ OM and focus all your energy on your H. It will not be easy, but it's the best thing for you to do.
Hugs & Good Luck!
You probably won't like what I have to say, but my opinion why he would do this is that he told you he loved you to keep you on the line for him. When it didn't get the desired result from you, he stopped talking to you. You just don't know what kind of men there are online, even if you did meet him in RL first, he could still be a user.
My advice, get into counseling and forget about this guy.
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