Need a little advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Need a little advice
13
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 11:30am

First of all just want to thank everyone for the sweet posts on congratulating me for making it to Tweenerville. I'm feeling so hopeful and happy, until...

Yesterday I found out something very, very upsetting. My xap was also a co-worker. I don't work there anymore. Evidently another co-worker found out about our affair and spoke about it to an acquaintance of mine. This acquaintance told a friend of mine and my friend told me about the conversation.

I am so upset. I have been portrayed as a "cheater" and that I do this "all the time". This was a first for me. Omg. I don't know what to do with this. This conversation actually took place over a year ago and I'm just finding out about it. My friend didn't want me to react this way and by waiting for more than a year to tell she thought it would be easier to swallow.

Here I am trying so very hard to be the loving wife and mother that I was before A. Why do I care so much about what others think of me? I'm just so afraid that my kids will find out.

My first reaction was to confront xap. He always told me that he never discussed "us" with anyone and never would. So how would this other co-worker find out. Obviously he did talk.

I so badly want to let him know how disappointed I am in him. I know I should let this go.

Please help.

Love, AAI

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2010
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 12:16pm

actingasif,


I definitely understand how upsetting it must be to hear this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 12:19pm

((AAI))

Your friend probablly should've spared your feelings and just let that gossip die without bringing it to your attention..that was totally unneeded. Don't confront xap, he may never said a word - people are not blind and chemistry between coworkers is very noticable. Talking, laughing, flirting, taking lunches together etc. It may take years for gossips to die as long as at least one of you is staying on the job, and you may never know when you will run into former coworker to revive the old drama again. People are right when they say you may have a DDay long after affair is over.

Try not to get upset with what others think. That happened a year ago, old news...water under the bridge:) The most important thing is who you are now...leave past in the past.

XOXO
Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 12:30pm

AAI,


I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 12:34pm

Your post brought back so many memories of my D-day! We think no one knows about our A but that is not the case. People around us see a change in our behavior. There are so many telltale signs. My best friend told me she knew something was up with me and suspected I was having an A before I shared with her about my moral failure.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 12:42pm

AAI,


Eveything that E1 said covers it. I have nothing to add accept let this go with everything else XAP related. It's only new to you because you just heard it.


Now get back to Tweenerville and attend to your flock. ;-)


(((Hugs)))

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2010
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 12:58pm

Congrats on 3 months NC - way to go, girl! About the gossip - sure it hurts, especially when we know most of it is true and how it would hurt our loved ones. Believe me, he probably was not the source, it was people guessing that what was going on was indeed going on. It happened to me - during my affair former coworkers spoke to a friend about what they "were sure was true" (they were right)andmy dear friend defended me to the extreme. How horrible I felt that my friend had such faith in me as a person that she couldn't even conceive of me doing such a thing to my family, and put herself out there for me....what a piece of crap I felt like when she told me how she stood up for my character and "put those gossips in their place".


This board and being blessed with a trusting and loving

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2009
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 6:00pm

AAI -


Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this.

NC since October 2, 2009.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 6:40pm

AAI:


Who the f cares what people think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 6:47pm

Hi AAI-

You just reached tweenerville, so let me reiterate what others have said... this new information in no way warrants a break in NC. Don't throw away 3 months of healing. What others think- it doesn't matter. I know that is hard... but it's true. The only thing that matters right now is YOU and YOUR healing. Use my 48 hour rule... let this sit for 48 hours and then reevaluate. I guarantee your mind will have worked through the emotions and you will be SOOOOO over it, just like the A.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 9:24pm

Hi AAI,


I haven't have DDay.

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