Need a little advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Need a little advice
13
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 11:30am

First of all just want to thank everyone for the sweet posts on congratulating me for making it to Tweenerville. I'm feeling so hopeful and happy, until...

Yesterday I found out something very, very upsetting. My xap was also a co-worker. I don't work there anymore. Evidently another co-worker found out about our affair and spoke about it to an acquaintance of mine. This acquaintance told a friend of mine and my friend told me about the conversation.

I am so upset. I have been portrayed as a "cheater" and that I do this "all the time". This was a first for me. Omg. I don't know what to do with this. This conversation actually took place over a year ago and I'm just finding out about it. My friend didn't want me to react this way and by waiting for more than a year to tell she thought it would be easier to swallow.

Here I am trying so very hard to be the loving wife and mother that I was before A. Why do I care so much about what others think of me? I'm just so afraid that my kids will find out.

My first reaction was to confront xap. He always told me that he never discussed "us" with anyone and never would. So how would this other co-worker find out. Obviously he did talk.

I so badly want to let him know how disappointed I am in him. I know I should let this go.

Please help.

Love, AAI

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Thu, 04-15-2010 - 11:02pm

E1 and Actingasif:

I'm not meaning to hijack-post here, but wanted to thank you, E1, for reposting candoit2's message. I remember reading that when it came out and it chilled me to the bone about work affairs and the gossip. Now that I am done with the A, re-reading that post still chills me...and the very real reality that once the A is over...the fear and reality of discovery still lurks.

I like this post for the reason that it helped me stay the course tonight, when I could feel myself faltering. I need to copy it down somewhere safe to help me when I am feeling lonely and the fog starts creeping back in. Work affairs are the worst, and the aftermath is torture in many ways.

Actingasif, I can understand your feelings. I would feel very betrayed that "our secret" meant so little that he had to blab about it in the boy's locker room. Wow, what a kick in the ego gut. I would also feel so stupid for having put my trust (and life, in a way) in someone who values me so little that he wouldn't care about how the consequences could have disasterous results for me. What an awful feeling.

I think you're right in leaning towards just letting it go...and sharing it with us so we can all reinforce to ourselves - tonight - WHY we all got out.

xoxo,
Misty

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 8:55am

Gosh ladies, I don't know what I would have done without all of you!! I probably would have contacted xap and given him hell. But all of you helped me to see clearly that that would have been a big mistake.

I honestly don't feel that he would have discussed our A with anyone. He felt just as badly as I did about the betrayal.

E1: Thank you for bringing up the question about what am I really mad about? I thought long and hard about that and bottom line, I'm mad at me. I take full responsibility for my actions, nobody to blame but me.

Jane: You're right. I waited 48 hours. This is such good advice. If we can just wait it out our "minds work through it". No sense in adding to the destruction.

Liberty: Thank you. I will not waste my energy on "things which are not in the present". And you're right, people believe more of what they are seeing now. And that is a loving, devoted wife, mother and grandmother.

Again, I love you all for taking the time to help me come to my senses with this. STILL NC....WHOO HOO!!!!

Love, AAI

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2008
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 11:06am

Dear AAI,


I am sorry you feel so betrayed.

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