Need a man's opinion...please and thanks

Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Need a man's opinion...please and thanks
10
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 11:55pm
I just don't know. After him standing me up, and grieving for 2 1/2 weeks, I wrote.. 'what now'. Got a fast response, with 'how sorry he is, and that he knows it doesn't help, can we talk soon, he'd like to call, but when, and that he will explain it all in an email (friday) when he is off. Take care and till tomorrow..'

friday came and went. I tried not to be too hopeful. I know he is busy.. but after breaking my heart ( and maybe his ) and me offering yet another olive branch and him eagerly accepting it.. please tell me why it would be so damn difficult to honor that. To wake up, feed the kids, enjoy your day even, but before bed.. remember that some sad fool is waiting for a long overdue explaination, and promised email...

Would love a man's point of view here. I know that his W knows something. She bit my head off when i phoned a few weeks ago. Saying she found letters and what are we doing we are both married,' before hanging up on me. When i got him on the line finally, he agreed to meet me, then didn't show.. after 6 months of talking, crying, laughing, sharing.. and one amazing day when we found eachother and connected like nobody's business..

is he just scared. If he just said it, it would have saved a lot of pain. helpp.... tired of nagging.. i just feel broken

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 11:53pm

Man's opinion?


OK.


Here's mine:


Are you really serious about ending your affair? Because from reading this post it sure doesn't seem so.


Don't you really feel you are worth more than a couple of minutes every few months?


I do.


Say good-bye and move on. MM ain't trying to be with or there for you.


JMHMOO,


cl-nre

Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 2:19am
Thanks for your imput. I only wish i had some more male povs.Take care
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 3:31am
Hello Mikkolover,

Man's opinion well here goes. I think what you are asking of him has broken all the rules of an affair. You know he is married and you chose to spend you time with him. Now affair rules is that the mister/mistress has no rights to wonder "why" the other is not contacting you. I was a mister and I have had a mistress also. I know that this is a hard rule for most women to follow. The only person that has the right to ask the "when, why, and where" question is the husband or wife. He may not be scared he just may not care as you do. An affair is only supposed to be an escape from home. No feelings are to be involved, but that rule also is difficult for women to follow. I know this is not right but this is the way it is. He maybe trying to work it out with his wife without telling you he is. There could be several reasons why he is not meeting you like he said he would. I know from personal experiences that the minute my OW started to ask those "why" questions I lost interest. I had that at home and I was using her to escape that. I mean I could have stayed at home and dealt with that. Bottom line is this is your chance to move on away from this destructive path you are traveling on. You wrote: "To wake up, feed the kids, enjoy your day even, but before bed. Remember that some sad fool is waiting for a long overdue explanation, and promised email..." Again he doesn't owe you any explanation. You two did what you did and now it is time to move on. Sorry if I sounded harsh that is not my intent. Sorry again. Thanks for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 10:52pm
ALL THE "RULES" OF AN AFFAIR?!?!?!? Jlovinit70, I never realized there actually were RULES to an affair! However, I'm very thankful that the MM I was involved with did not follow the rules you've outlined because he wasn't a shallow man only looking for great sex on the side. He didn't want his OW to live by the code of being deaf and dumb. He wanted a woman that spoke her mind, gave her opinion and stimulated him not only sexually but intellectually.

And, as to your statement that affairs are to involve NO feelings... very early in our relationship, MM told me, if I have no feelings for him, then we'll never go anywhere!

You know what comes to mind when I read your post? There are nice, decent, considerate and caring ways to END any relationship.....and then, there is your way!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 1:11am
Hello caring4me

I'm sorry I offended you or anyone else with my post. I think I was misunderstood. I was thinking about your post. You said you "never realized there actually were RULES to an affair." There are rules to any relationship, for instance in a normal relationship (not an affair) there are rules, like don't talk badly about the others family members, etc. Now for a rule of an affair there are unspoken rules like don't call when you know the spouse is home. When I posted I was only looking at how mikkolover could end her affair. Her MM was not responding as she thought he should have so as I said "Bottom line is this is your chance to move on away from this destructive path you are traveling on." I also never stated that the OW/OM should live by a "code of being deaf and dumb." I simply said that the "why" questions, again referring to HER POST of why he was not responding as she thought he should, could not be asked, because OW/OM doesn't have those rights, but the husband/wife does. As for your "MM" statement, "if I have no feelings for him, then we'll never go anywhere!" Where could you two go he was or is a "MARRIED MAN" after all? Instead of us the misters/mistresses looking at our delicate feelings for once shouldn't we look at the spouses feelings? If the spouse cheated first then our MM/MW should deal with that before he/she goes out and does the same exact crime that caused them so much hurt. Bottom line there is not excuse to be in an affair, if this is not a rule of an affair then it should be, oh wait it is "Thou shalt no covet thy neighbors wife..." And I think we all know who that is quoted by. Again thanks for reading.

Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 2:13am
Thanks for the imput again. I agree and disagree, in all respects. I too know of some unspoken rules, but asking why? I think that all women in an A are allowed to ask why. Why isn't he calling, why did.... anything happen... But maybe thats just me. I am M, and so is OM, but we agreed never to make promises to eachother that we couldn't keep.

Sure maybe he doesn't care as much as I do, but who knows. I know that none of you know, and maybe I won't know. But I have talked to his father, at length, and it seems that he can be scared. That he gets scared easily and his wife is a very dominating, lazy, uncaring woman. Also that if OM had to do it again, he would have never picked his W. Thats what his father told me. So I think there are lots of things playing here.

Well, i do thank you for all your opinions, thats for sure. I really enjoy reading the comments and feel like things will get clearer soon.. thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 8:13am
Mik, I want to jump in here and ask you some questions if that's okay.....

- What are you hoping to gain from having this affair with MM?

- Why are you spending so much time driving yourself crazy speculating about his thoughts?

- Where is your self respect?

- Why are you still married?

Love
Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 9:21am
so many thought prevoking questions. I will try to remember that I am a lady and bite my tongue. I am firstly and foremostly married because I truely do love my man. We have a good life together, great sex, are eachother's best friend. Why would i be investing so much into this man, this affair. Well, I have a belief that people come into your life for a reason. I am wiccan, and know that the basis of any relationship is a connection. Be that emotional, physical or other.

Now, be that as it may, and you ful of.... are unable to grasp that. Its the ´honest truth. I am honest with myself, and with my man about everything I am feeling. I don't believe that people should be thrown away, regardless of how they may seem at the moment. I have moments of low self esteem.. WHO DOESN'T, but in general, I feel that OM is worth it, as a human being.

Perhaps others out there can't identify. Can't possibly belíeve that I can really be in love with my husband and want this other man in my´life. But its okay. I know what I believe and thats all that matters. This OM isn't wiccan, he is very strict protestant, so his demons are much like the conventional ones the rest of the world deals with. His beliefs are much more closed minded than mine ( or my H ).

And no we don't have an open marriage, but we respect the fact that we may be attracted to other people from time to time. And in a cage with blinders on is no way to respect your life partner, now is it. I never gained anything from jealousy in all its ugly forms.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 9:45am
Jlovinit70, thanks but please don't worry about offending me...it takes more then a few words and I'm adult enough to understand that ending an A does bring out the emotional side of us all.

You're right, there are many basic rules in all relationships which does include many unspoken ones but the point I was trying to make is that unlike your statement of rules in affairs, ALL relationships are not the same (even affairs) there are affair's in which it is OK for both or either parties to ask WHY questions, in my relationship, it was understood and both of us practiced asking a lot of questions when promises were not kept.

In all honesty, your earlier statement "I know from personal experiences that the minute my OW started to ask those "why" questions I lost interest." was the reason I posted to you. This sentence makes you sound like a total cake eater with no possible feelings of any kind towards the OW! It is as if you were only looking for a deaf and dumb woman to bang and only when it was convenient to you....sorry, but I'll always believe there is more to relationships and even A's.

As to where xMM and I could have gone (since we're both married) at the start of the A's we were an emotional and physical escape for each other. Somewhere along the way, we realized there was more to us and we did contemplate bringing our relationship into the light of day and making it permanent. In the end, because his children are much younger then mine, xMM was not strong enough to follow through and today, we're content being the best of platonic friends. If to some, our friendship translates to being strung along, then, we're both doing it because we obviously want each other in our lives.

As for your belief that for a change, instead of us (OW/OM) looking at our delicate feelings for once we should look at the MM's wife's feelings and your quote of the commandments, I agree with the commandments and I'll continue to seek forgiveness for MY sin but as far as the MM's wife's feelings, that's something MM will need to deal with! I didn't force him to come into my life! As for my H, if he would have made the slightest of efforts to be there for me, I would never have had an A would I?

Women do have a tendency to dwell (at times too much) on their feelings but that's only because we were created to feel more then men. At the same time, I don't think ALL men in A's are as uncaring, calculated and callous as you were... come on...you dumped the woman just because she started to ask you WHY questions? IMO, that's pretty cruel....not to mention immature.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 9:57am
I'm certain you have heard the poem for a reason, season or lifetime!

But if not, I'mm posting it below. I do wonder if what you're trying to do is to somehow justify OM's existance in your life as being for a lifetime and his purpose was only for a reason or season. Maybe it was only to make you realize that you need to work on one aspect of your marrige which BTW, to me sounds like you have everything any wife would want.

A Reason, Season or Lifetime................

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON. . . It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

Then people come into your life for a SEASON…. Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.